Things You Need to Be Told Table of Contents

Copyright 2001 by Lesley Carlin and Honore McDonough Ervin Cover illustration by Rollin McGrail Cover design by Rita Frangie and Lesley Worrell Published by Berkley Books, a division of Penguin Putnam Inc. Order a copy of your very own! Are you a member of The Press? Click here for information on getting a review copy. Praise for Things You Need to Be Told "The Etiquette Grrls devote as much energy and enthusiasm to a thrift-store place setting as [Emily] Post did to the Spode china and the heirloom silver.... Their advice is better than that from some of their elders.... I fell completely in love with them both." —P.J. O'Rourke, The New York Times Book Review "Lessons that we would all do well to learn... such good sense." —Montreal Gazette "This is the book for teens, twentysomethings and thirtysomethings. Cosmetics abuse, uncool attire, appropriate demeanor for an office romance and rock concert behavior are among the topics covered in addition to traditional etiquette pointers." —Houston Chronicle "Move over, Miss Manners..." —The Indianapolis Star

Chapter One: In Your Apartment Chez Toi You Don't Have to Love Thy Neighbor, but You Shouldn't Drive Them to the Brink of Insanity, Either Indoor Sports Practicing Your Do-Re-Mis Appropriating Space: Common Areas Sticky Fingers Roommates: The Necessary Evil Entertaining at Home Meals Table Manners The Proper Place Setting Are Hot Hors d'Oeuvres a Heresy?: Party Food Your Bar Whom to Invite Smoke, Smoke, Smoke That Cigarette Miss Otis Regrets: Invitations and R.S.V.P.-ing What You Should Wear to a Soirée The Weekend Guest The Well-Stocked Pantry The Etiquette Grrls' Recipe for Delicious Artichoke Dip Chapter Two: Out and About At the Bar Are You in the Right Bar? Drinking Games Is It a Real Drink? M is for Martini "Has Anyone Ever Told You That You Look Just Like Gwyneth Paltrow?": Pick-Up Lines and How to Avoid Them Where and When to Pass Out, and What You Should Wear At the Movies, Theatre, and Concerts Keeping Quiet What You Should Wear Food and Beverages Sitting Still Rock Concerts From McDonald's to Tavern on the Green: Dining Out Where You Should Dine What You Should Order, and How You Should Order It Advanced Math: Splitting the Check and Tipping "The Service at This Place is Lousy!": Dealing with Surly Waiters Chapter Three: Your Personal Appearance Good Grooming Basic Cleanliness Cosmetics: Use and Abuse What Looks Good on Everyone What Looks Good on No One What Looks Good When Applied Very, Very Carefully The Importance of Subversive Nailpolish Clothing General Advice on Fit Faux Pas of Fit Which Must Be Avoided General Advice on Style Items of Clothing All Girls Should Own Items of Clothing All Boys Should Own Articles of Clothing Which Are Never, Ever Acceptable Attire Last-Minute Checks Choosing an Appropriate Outfit Defining Our Terms: Formal, Semi-Formal, Etc. Formal White Tie Black Tie Semi-Formal Casual Other Categories of Dress The Sell You In Hell Look and How to Create It You Must Have Studied Dance: Posture and Movement Poise Chapter Four: Staying in Touch The Internet Forwarded Mail and Attachments Some Thoughts on Clarity: The Well-Written Message Choosing an E-mail Address and Userid What You Should Wear While On-line The Telephone Call Waiting Other Activities While on the Telephone Wrong Numbers When Not to Call Answering Machines and Voice Mail Taking a Message The Facsimile ("Fax") Machine Portable Communications Devices Cellular Telephones Attn.: Doctors and Drug Dealers--Some Thoughts on Pagers and Beepers Palmtop Computers Letters Equipment for Letter Writing Enclosures Sealing and Stamping the Envelope The Thank-You Note What You Should Wear While Writing Letters In Person No One's Impressed by an Illiterate Hick: Grammar 101 Introductions and Farewells Editorial Comments on Other People's Appearances The Left-Handed Compliment Too Much Information (TMI): Conversations You Should Not Have Chapter Five: At Work The World of the Gainfully Employed Your Brilliant Career: Where You Should Work, and How to Land the Correct Job When You're a Worker Bee When You're the Leader of the Pack Your Attire Your Attitude Bad Office Behavior "Optimizing Synergistic Cross-Platform Eyeballs": Tacky Office Speech Under the Weather Office Parties Office Romance Office "Hook-ups" Office Gossip: The Correct Way to Dish the Dirt "Working Lunches" Birthday Parties, Gifts, Etc. Electronic Devices at Work Quitting Avec Style and Grace "You're Fired!" Chapter Six: Dating and Breakups "Let Me Call You Sweetheart": Dating How Do You Ask for a Date? Who Should Ask for a Date? How to Refuse a Date, and How to Take "No" for an Answer The Telephone--What It Is and How to Use It What Constitutes a First Date? Formals and Other Fancy Dates Bringing a Date to Events Where Extended Family Is in Attendance Public Displays of Affection ("P.D.A.") Babytalk Disciplinary Action Some Thoughts on Abandoning Old Friends Engagement and Marriage "I Hope You Know This Will Go Down on Your Permanent Record": Breakups The Graceful Breakup The Cheatin' Heart Going AWOL Theft and Other True Crimes Seeking Revenge Chapter Seven: Traveling First Class, Whenever Possible: How You Should Get There Air Travel Baggage Claim By Train On Busses By Ship Traveling Clothes Your Luggage Staying at Hotels Staying at a Private Home The Bread-and-Butter Letter Getting Your Kicks on Route 66: The Road Trip What You Should Bring With You What You Should Wear Where You Should Go The Etiquette Grrls' Grand Tour Things to Think About Before You Cross the Pond Chapter Eight: Miscellaneous Matters of Importance Advice for the Collegiate Set Your Roommate Decorating Your Room Your Wardrobe Behavior in Class Making Friends Avec the Faculty Asking for Recommendations Social Life at College At Church Getting There on Time Visiting a Strange Church Behavior at Weddings and Funerals How You Should Be Buried Holidays Litigious Behavior When You're Famous "Well, Conan, It Was a Funny Thing...": Talk Shows "The Etiquette Grrls Would Like to Thank the Academy": Awards Shows Dealing With One's Fame "Excuse Me, Are You...?": Meeting Celebrities Very Unusual Situations Spies Like Us What You Should Wear While Spying The Basics On the Usefulness of Speaking a Foreign Language Which Doc Martens? Smoking Avec Style and Grace The Servant Problem Chapter Nine: The Etiquette Grrls' Patois: A Glossary Profiles in Etiquette: About the Authors