Letter From a Tribal Gaming Casino

While one of the EGs is currently in the Depths of Virginia, the other, more happily, makes her home in Connecticut, which, next to Massachusetts, bien sur, is the Most Traditional, Preppy State in Our Fair Country. In fact, this EG lives in Westport, upon the same street as Paul Newman, one of the EGs' Favorite Actors! But one Friday night, EG decided to leave the comfortable WASPiness of Fairfield County for an excursion, In The Name of Research, to F——, a rather famous Casino located in A Faraway Part of Connecticut Which Is Nearly In Rhode Island.

4:45 PM. EG and co-conspirators J and D become suddenly aware that Fairfield County has become Enveloped in a Snow Squall! From their vantage point in an office building overlooking I-95, they notice that Traffic is Crawling! As F—— is a good 1 1/2 hours away, this Is Not Good. A rash of Instant Messages ensues, cursing Ill-Timed Snow.

6:00 PM. EG and co-conspirators, armed with Ca$h Money and the Office Digital Camera (which, honestly, EG et al. really needed to Learn How to Use...), set off for J's apartment in West Haven, Connecticut. J's ferret, incongruously named Leopard, becomes the first target of the Office Digital Camera. ODC appears to be working Quite Well! EG, D, and J pile into J's new, snazzy, very fast sports car, and after a tour of the lovelier sections of West Haven, are On Their Way! Amazingly, the snow n'exists pas on the other side of West Haven! EG et al. already feel Lucky!

7:00 PM. EG, D, and J grace the Parthenon Diner in Branford, Connecticut, with Their Presence. EG et al. muse upon why so many Diners are named after Things Related to Ancient Greece. Sadly, the Diners tend to be named after Recognizable Greek Things. EG thinks it would be Splendid if Diners branched out a bit. Perhaps more obscure Names could be found, drawing from literature like The Odyssey. EG would ADORE Happening Upon the Lotus-Eaters Diner, or the Scilla and Charybdis Diner. Just a suggestion.

7:05 PM. EG et al. comfortably ensconced in diner booth. Booth has adorable miniature Juke Box! Much excitement from group. Better yet, Mini Juke Box has EXTREMELY amusing, diverse variety of selections: group wonders exactly what sort of crowd likes Coolio, Ricky Martin, Guns and Roses, and Garth Brooks. Selections immediately made from Mini Juke Box.

7:06 PM. First instance of Trifling: annoying preteens sit directly behind EG, attempting to Smoke. Preteens order "Well-done French Fries." Now, EG is not a Trained Line Cook (and how EG thanks Her Lucky Stars for that), but EG was not aware that things Not Made of Meat could be ordered "Well-done."

7:25 PM. Food arrives! Everyone else's food looks Rather Good, but EG's Grilled Cheese Sandwich needs a bit of work on the Presentation.

7:55 PM. Group ready to leave: must get back on road ASAP! However, a SWARM of preteens congregates in diner, including one Young Couple, clearly on a date, who are dressed as if they are going to appear in a Tacky Hip-Hop Video. The Young Lady is sporting not one, but TWO varieties of Animal Prints (leopard and zebra), as well as silver lame pants the likes of which EG hasn't seen since MC Hammer gave them short-lived popularity in the late 1980s. EG and group criticize Kids These Days, who, clearly, are Up to No Good With Their Shenanigans. The EGs would not have been allowed to Own, much less wear Out of The House, silver lame HammerTime pants (even if, in some Delusional State, we had wanted to), and, dammit, nobody else should.

8:00 PM. Fight way through Swarming Preteens; arrive safely back in J's Car. Casino is at exit 92. Car is at exit 45. Group settles in for Long Ride.

9:05 PM. Leave I-95 for Route 2, the Road Which Leads to F——! Whoo-hoo! New sports car has made V. Good Time! All feeling V. Lucky!

9:10 PM. Approach rotary on Route 2.

9:10:30-9:30 PM. SIT at rotary on Route 2, alternately staring at Mystic Pizza II restaurant and what appears to be the Entire Ledyard Police, Fire, and Rescue Squads, as they attempt to clear an accident. Group listens to John Lennon sing about Yoko on "Rushmore" soundtrack. Group's Ca$h Money burning holes in Group's pockets. Group contemplates getting out of car and WALKING 3.2 miles to casino. Group contemplates taking Grisly Accident Photos with ODC, but ODC decides that after taking 10 pictures, it's time to lose all battery power. Grisly Accident Photos, after all, would have been rather rude. Apparently ODC has Good Manners.

9:35 PM. YEAH BABY. No photos of casino interiors possible, but reports are true: Casino is Tacky as All Hell! There are Giant Fake Trees pretending to hold up the Ceiling! One can acquire something called a Wampum Card! Members of group disperse to pursue Separate Gambling Interests. In name of research and in search of Quarter Slots, EG wanders around Casino. Herewith, EG's observations:

1. EG is no Expert on Native American Culture, but EG isn't sure it's well represented by a Giant, Frosted-Glass Statue of an Indian Brave shooting an arrow, which--even BETTER-- is the centerpiece of an hourly Laser-Light Show about Glorious Native American Traditions. EG is even less impressed by the Eardrum Splitting Soundtrack and Copious Use of Dry Ice. Apparently, pre-Puritan America was populated by Indians, Screech Owls and Howler Monkeys (who never, ever shut up), and was Incessantly, Inexplicably Foggy. Nevertheless, Indians successfully hunted due to their Laser-Powered Arrows. EG is shocked that her AP US History class was so Off the Mark! No wonder EG only got a 4 on the stupid exam (not that EG has a longstanding grudge or anything)...

2. Quality of Shops must be improved. If EG were to win big, she is Not Likely to need Potted Plants, Hideous Knick-Knacks (c.f. See Us In Hell page), or Tribal Art. One small display case does contain Coach Bags, but they're Last Season's! Get with it, F——!

3. If there's a Nightclub within the Casino Complex, its Live Musical Numbers should NOT be audible from the Other End of the Casino. Particularly if the Live Musical Numbers are being performed by a Terrible 70's Cover Band. Ugh.

4. EG, hoping against hope to encounter a Truly Glamorous, Elegant Casino much like those featured in James Bond Movies, is (of course) sorely disappointed. Atlantic City was not Up to Snuff (what with Urban Blight and the omnipresence of Donald Trump), and neither is F——.

5. New resolution (along with not ever consuming Tequila Shots again, ever): EGs MUST become Expert Gamblers! It is imperative that EGs be Excellent Blackjack Players, and that EGs understand Craps! EGs must make time in their Whirlwind Social Schedules to Pick Up the Finer Points of Gambling.

6. Would EG like a drink? EG usually would. Would EG, however, like a drink proffered by a frighteningly blond, middle-aged, poorly made-up "Indian Squaw"? No. Not in this lifetime.

7. Casino chips are cool, but they'd be much cooler if they were the really huge, ornate ones used in James Bond Movies. EG just can't get over this preoccupation with Film Casinos. EG, apparently, should gamble somewhere like Monaco, where her chances of encountering really cool chips would undoubtedly be much improved.

12:00 midnight. EG starting to think slots aren't so fun anymore. EG down $80! Damn it all!

12:05 AM. EG hits Triple Red Bar with 2 Double Diamond symbols! EG wins 250 quarters! EG very satisfied at metallic ping-y noise they make coming out of the machine. Scary old lady sitting next to EG gives EG a nasty look. Yay! EG is RICH! EG will quit job and begin Life of Leisure!

12:05:30 AM. EG realizes 250 quarters = 62.50. EG isn't Rich. EG also is Still In The Hole. Stupid quarter slots. Stupid EG. EG takes her 250 stinking quarters and sets off to find J and D.

12:30 AM. EG wanders around casino with J, looking for D. Note to self: Not only is 250 quarters Not a Lot of Money, 250 quarters are HEAVY AS HELL. EG beginning to develop sore arm muscles. Find D playing something called "Let It Roll," seated next to Older Woman with Frightening Coral Nails and rings Too Small for Her Fingers. EG, looking around room, thinks she spots Horrible Girl from Elementary School. Clearly, time to leave is fast approaching.

12:45 AM. Should group have drinks? Drinks would involve entering Scary Nightclub. Group apparently has suddenly become StraightEdge. Evil influence of F—— must be broken, STAT.

1:30 AM. On the road again. EG is $40 poorer; J and D are richer. EG attempts valiantly Not To Sulk.

Concluding Remarks
On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being, say, The Connaught, and 10 being, say, Spencer Gifts, F—— rates at least a 9.75, in EG's Scientific Opinion.

EG is morbidly depressed that F—— is located in New England. For Shame! However, EG takes some Small Comfort in fact that F——, being an Indian Reservation, is considered An Entity Unto Itself. In SAT Verbal terms, Italy : Vatican City :: New England : F——. F—— is entirely uncontrollable by Connecticut! EG, as a Native New Englander, need not be Morbidly Embarrassed! EG absolutely IN LOVE with Antiquated Federal Land Zoning Laws! In fact, the EGs humbly suggest that New England make widespread application of these laws, isolating any Extremely Tacky Things (e.g., the Yankee Candle Factory, the Holyoke [Mass.] St. Patrick's Day Parade) and Washing Our Hands of Them. EG, in fact, modestly asserts that the Brilliance of This Suggestion was worth the Mental Anguish of spending an evening at F——. However, EG would still like her $40 back. Damn it all.