New Media Etiquette

(Or, the Lack Thereof)

It seems even the Etiquette Grrls, what with their Somewhat Reactionary Views, have been Swept Away by New Media. One of the EGs has had, for the past few months, a glimpse into the Inner Workings of An Internet Start-Up Company. For your benefit, Dear Reader, she has been carefully compiling notes, in a somewhat Anthropological Fashion, about the goings-on surrounding her. Herewith, our guide to how you should behave at a dot-com.

Your First Day
Welcome to your New Job! Surely, in this multi-billion-dollar industry, you can expect a snazzy office, a sleek skinny computer, all manner of electronic accoutrements like a Palm Pilot, and the tiniest of tiny cell phones, right? The EGs suggest that you, Dear Reader, have Another Thing Coming. Welcome to the office, where you'll be sitting at a cubicle barely big enough to hold Your Computer, which is not a snazzy laptop but a big old regular computer. Furthermore, you're SHARING the cubicle with two other people! There's no phone for you at all, and won't be for three weeks! What you should know: the potential for glam may be there, but the actual glam won't arrive for a while yet.
Another tip for new New Media Types: don't assume you can figure out what ANYONE's title is. The CEO may look like a marketing assistant. Your boss may well be younger than you. Don't say anything like, "And YOU must be the receptionist!" you could be talking to the VP of Biz Dev.

The Dress Code, or the Lack Thereof
Dress Codes at Start-Ups are Somewhat Complicated in their non-existence. Crazy hours are a Sad Fact of Life, and even the EGs admit you will not want to be working until 4 AM in an Elegant, Tailored Suit. (And believe us, Dear Reader, the EG who embarked upon the Start-Up Lifestyle has a Whole Damn Closet Filled with Suits.) The key here is to dress somewhat casually without looking like a College Student. Remember, if you are young and on a fast track, you will have to deal with Older People, who may not exactly take you Entirely Seriously if you make an Important Presentation wearing a t-shirt proclaiming, "I Went to the TKE Luau and Got Lei'd!", capri pants (the horror, the horror, the unspeakable horror), and 4-inch platform raffia sandals. (This is doubly true if you are A Boy.) We say, if you must wear jeans to work, they must be impeccably clean, pressed, and perfectly fitted. And furthermore, it's a good idea to offset the informality of one element of your outfit with something a little more businesslike: say, with khakis, you might wear a lovely cashmere sweater and Really Good Shoes.

The Particular Problem of Business Suits
Remember, the sentence that is most like to follow "Don't YOU look nice today!" at a Start-Up Office is, "So, where's your interview?" Everyone is interviewing, all the damn time. Even if you are not interviewing, everyone thinks you are interviewing. (If you are not interviewing, you probably should be interviewing.) Therefore, it is best not to wear A Business Suit or even A Tie to work on a day when you're planning to visit Your Doctor or have a Lengthy, Swanky Lunch avec Your Petit(e) Ami(e).

If you actually do have A Very Important Meeting and are wearing A Suit (as you should be), you might do well to Spread the Word to that effect.

"What Is the Vacation Policy?"
The EGs can answer that one for you: THERE ISN'T ONE. And there's no such thing as sick days, either. If you're At Death's Door, tell your boss, who should immediately let you go home. (Note to bosses: Yes, you are Evil Incarnate if you do not let sick employees go home.) It's part of the spirit of the industry, though, that you not abuse this and run home at every little sniffle. As for vacation, if you've got something important coming up that you know you can't miss (i.e., Your Wedding, or a Wedding for which you're a Member of the Bridal Party), you should mention this to your supervisor when an offer of employment is extended to you. It will be understood, then, that you will get the time you need off, no matter what. If you don't do this, we're sorry to say, you're probably screwed. At the very least, tell your boss as far in advance as possible that you have an important event coming up.

Don't Piss Off the Tech Team
OK. You're WORKING AT AN INTERNET COMPANY. That means that it is a Reasonable Assumption that you know how to do things like use Outlook and change your Desktop Wallpaper. It is not appropriate to call up the CTO and inquire about how to install that fab new Puff Daddy in a Cube screensaver or how to make your machine "play that little beepy sound" when you get an e-mail message. No, no, no! This makes you look like an idiot, and insults them. Believe us, the folks on the tech team are the most powerful people in the company. Stay on their good side, or you'll regret it!

Instant Messenger Is Your New Best Friend
Learn to use, and love, Instant Messenger. It can be your only lifeline to The Outside World, since private phone conversations are distinctly impossible at the tiny cubicle in which, sadly, you will of course be sitting. It is also a very necessary means of intra-company communication. You will need IM for several crucial tasks: to make snide remarks which you cannot speak aloud; to plan where and at what time you will gather for Post-Work Boozing; to Flirt; and to discuss Very Important Things like Where the Launch Party Will Be Held and Whether or Not It Will Be Cool. Download it now, and, when your life has changed, send the EGs a thank-you note!

"Are You Here For Dinner?": Meals in the Office
Frequently, take-out or delivery meals are ordered by groups of people in the office. It is a Terrible, Terrible Thing to be The One In Charge of Taking Orders and Collecting Money from Everyone, but you should offer it up for the Souls in Purgatory and take your turn. We suggest you make everyone write down what the want, in detail, and put next to it how much money they are chipping in, and whether they need change. When you are NOT in charge of ordering, make certain that you chip in the amount you owe, including tax. If there is a Problem avec the order (which there certainly will be), try to grin and bear it unless it is Egregious. Nobody wants to drive BACK to the restaurant to fetch the extra pickles you'd requested on your cheeseburger. However, if your meal is AWOL, you should inform the person who placed the order, who will call and complain.

Foosball: The Bane of Start-Up Existence
One aspect of New Media Companies which the EGs Personally Abhor is the Presence of Annoyingly Loud Table Games such as Foosball. A shout-out to the Foosball Freaks the EGs know: before you get Up in Arms, let us say that the EGs don't have issues with the game in general; like most sports, we choose to ignore it. However, we do NOT want the Damn Foosball Table on the Other Side of Our Cubicle, or even in the Same Damn Room as us. We would be so happy if The Company had a nice, soundproof room available where the Foosball Table could be placed, but until then, we don't want it in the office. And, we dare say, if there's going to be a Foosball Table for Purported Stress Relief, the EGs would like a Manicure Station, as we happen to find Painting Our Nails extremely relaxing. Hmmmpf.

The Launch Party
Well, EG's company has not actually HAD its launch party yet, although it has been launched for nigh on three months now. Hmmpf. EG would just like to note that she has A Date and A Dress and would like to know what the hell the hold-up is, thank you very much. EG will be more than happy to write about How You Should Behave at a Launch Party when she actually GOES TO ONE. Grrrrrrr.