Resolutions for Everybody Else

Each year, around this time, the Etiquette Grrls are hounded by Our Entire Social Circle for advice RE: what New Year's Resolutions should be made. We've noticed that, with a few exceptions (one of the EGs' favorite ISP administrators should spend less time being AWOL, par exemple), certain resolutions should be undertaken by everyone. Herewith, a handy, printable list:

• Immediately cease discussion of "Y2K," "The Millennium," etc. The EGs have been sick of this since LAST January, and you should be, too. If you made the mistake of actually buying any article of clothing with the word "Millennium" embroidered, silk-screened, etched, or grommetted upon it, you need to Re-Examine Your Fashion Sensibilities. Just because your "Millennium" t-shirt is cashmere and came from Saks does NOT make you any less of a Fashion Victim for having bought it.
• Learn UNIX.
• Stop making reference to small blemishes, scars, bloodshot eyes, etc., that happen to mar anyone else's appearance. Unless it's something obviously removable, i.e., a wee bit of spinach in the teeth, you should not Take It Upon Yourself to point out others' flaws.
• Finally make that transition from beer to Good Stiff Drinks.
• Only write letters on Good Quality, Engraved Stationery, preferably from Crane's.
• Learn how to operate your cell phone... in particular, its OFF button.
• Take more photographs of your friends.
• Boys: lose the tube socks, unless you are actually playing a sport. Also, start bringing more flowers to girls (and the EGs remind you, bringing flowers is MUCH more adorable than simply sending them). And open the damn door for girls!
• Girls: let the boys open the damn door! And say thank you!
• Start to phase out your IKEA furniture and replace it with Real Furniture.
• Read the following books: This Side of Paradise by Scott '17; the entire oeuvre of Nancy Mitford; Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen; The Collected Poems of Wallace Stevens; Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. Even if you've read them already (and really, you should have), you should read them again in 2000.
• In a witty, ironic sort of fashion, appropriate and make (sparing) use of the best slang. It's extremely amusing for one of the EGs, for example, to tell the other EG, "You go with your bad self!" or to refer to the Etiquette Volvo as "the ghetto cruiser." However, you must refrain from using these expressions 24/7, lest you be mistaken for a guest on the Ricki Lake Show.
• Buy a new wardrobe which is entirely devoid of pashmina and beading. When the trend shows up at KMart, it's not a trend anymore.
  

And in case you're wondering, the EGs have resolved to:

• Explore Other Brands of Gin. We like Bombay Sapphire, but it's rather ubiquitous. The EGs would much rather prefer a brand of gin not easily obtained on this continent, but we have yet to find this. Perhaps the EGs must venture into England's Green and Pleasant Land in 2000.
• Stay the Hell Out of Bridgeport, Connecticut, and Holyoke, Massachusetts. (This one: not so hard.)
• Practiquer notre français, whenever possible.
• Acquire all the darling new Lilly Pulitzer sandals!
• Occasionally consume fruit other than the limes in our drinks. We've heard Good Things about clementines.

The Etiquette Grrls hope that the year 2000 will be as tasteful, well-mannered, and intellectually stimulating as we ourselves have always been. Cheers!