The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: August
2003
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Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Just love your books and site. My question
concerns a practice I have encountered at two recent showers:
that of being directed to address an envelope to myself. At the
first shower, it was announced that the envelopes would be used
to draw for a door prize. At the second shower, the mother of
the honoree stood up and said, "We want you to address your
own envelopes for thank-you notes—(the honoree) will be
too busy with the new baby!" Am I Too Picky, or is this Un
Peu Tacky? I dislike being directed to do this, but can think
of no polite way to decline without Making A Fuss. Is it best
to just Go Along, then have a laugh later at home whilst Tossing
Back a G&T? What would the EGs do when confronted avec this
situation?
Many thanks,
They Managed to Address My Invitation Sans Assistance
Dear They Managed,
Oooh, how much do the EGs Love It when one
of our Dear Readers throws us a Softball Question? *Evil grin*
Of course you're not Too Picky, Dear Reader—this
is Terribly Tacky, and Lazy, and Rude. We've heard of this happening
at Wedding Showers, too, "Because the Bride-to-Be is Too
Busy with the Wedding Plans to Address Envelopes." The EGs
just Timed Ourselves addressing an Envelope. It took us 20 SECONDS
to do the recipient's address, and 10 SECONDS to do the return
address. Wow, 30 Seconds is REALLY taxing. One could even save
the trouble of writing one's return address if one has it engraved
on the Envelope Flaps. Now we're talking 20 Seconds, total. If
20 Seconds x the number of Guests at Your Shower
truly is more time than you can Spare, well, then, you have Too
Many Guests at Your Shower. You should have told the Hostess to
keep it Very Very Small.
What would we do if Confronted With This? Well,
Dear Reader, we're not really ones for Making a Big Scene in Public.
Yes, this is Terribly Rude, but it would be Equally Rude of us
to Stand Up, proclaim that we are the EGs and we have An Announcement
to Make, and tell the Hostess that she is Being Tacky and Impolite.
If anything, we'd probably Raise Our Eyebrows Significantly, comment
that we had "Never been asked to do THIS before," to
the person sitting next to us, and then write the Damn Envelope.
And of course, we'd call up everyone we know when we Got Home
and tell them about the Horrible, Tacky Shower we went to that
day.
Sigh. We assume the next step is to have guests
write Thank-You Notes to themselves. At least that would prove
Slightly More Amusing... one could get a bit creative with the
contents and kind of Mess With the Lazy Honoree. "Dear EGs,
Thank you so much for the Porcelain Bank for the baby! It's so
beautiful on its own—I can't believe you filled it with
that $1,000 Bill! "
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Something happened because I wasn't being responsible
or professional, but I need some advice on how to correct it.
When I am talking to customers on the phone, I often write my
thoughts. It's a bad habit, and I do it in my classes as well.
I write things like, "Please shut up. You are giving me a
migraine," and "Congratulations on your forthcoming
nuptials to a convicted felon," often circled by "Blah
blah blah blah"s. This week I accidentally left one of my
doodle pages on my desk, and ironically the person I had been
writing about came into the office later that day. She sat in
my desk and there really is no way that she didn't see what I
wrote about her. What should I do? I don't want my boss to get
into trouble because of what I did, but if by some miracle she
didn't see it I certainly don't want to bring it up. Thank you
for your advice!
N
Dear N,
Well, Dear Reader, you're right—that is a
Very Bad Habit. These are thoughts that may fly into one's head
upon occasion, but one should never write them down unless one
destroys them immediately, because it's only a Matter of Time
until someone sees what you wrote about him or her. In a Professional
Situation, this is much, much worse. We're not quite sure why
Your Boss might get into trouble (instead of, say, you yourself),
but we think that if you're positive the customer Saw Something,
you should schedule a meeting with Your Boss and 'Fess Up. Apologize
profusely, say that you have Learned Your Lesson and will never
do this again (because you have and you won't, RIGHT?), and ask
Your Boss what you should do. We're sure Your Boss can give you
much better advice than we can in this specific situation, because
how (or if) to respond depends on What Exactly You Said, Who This
Customer Is, and What the Consequences Will Be if She Is Very
Angry, none of which we know. We'd imagine that Your Boss will
either tell you to Forget It and just never, ever do it again,
or have you Apologize to the Customer. We don't know Your Boss,
but if what you're really afraid of is Getting Fired, we think
that's much less likely to happen if you 'Fess Up than if you
don't.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Your latest book, More
Things You Need To Be Told, rules! I dare say that
our generation is the last one old enough to remember when
the world was a little more civilized than it is today. Nice
to know that having good manners doesn't mean one can't also
be cool and hip. I must admit I was a bit dismayed to hear
of the EGs' hostility towards 80's revival fashions, but given
the more outrageous examples of those aforesaid atrocities
which were mentioned in the book, one is inclined to agree.
That being said, as someone whose retro look runs more to
the subtle, preppy side, is it okay in this day and age to
wear one's polo shirt with the collar turned up?
Regards,
Preppy Guy in Virginia
Dear Preppy Guy,
Whoa, let's get this straight! Classic Preppy
Looks are, in general, not the same thing as 1980's Revival Fashions.
This is why the people who were Preppy back in the 1980's are
probably much less ashamed of Old Photos of Themselves than people
who went the One Glove à la Madonna, Off-the-Shoulder Sweatshirt à la
Flashdance, and Jelly Shoes à la The Mall Route! Preppies
wore Lacoste, and Khakis, and Madras, and Lilly Prints, and Penny
Loafers—all of which are Timeless! And Timeless Clothing,
by its very nature, never needs a "Revival." The key,
Dear Reader, is wearing the Timeless Clothing because it
is Timeless and, therefore, just Part of Your Wardrobe that gets
integrated with everything else, and not assembling a Full-Blown,
Head-to-Toe, 1980's Preppy Look that you wear as One Ensemble.
A Lime-Green Lacoste? Sure! But not worn on top of a Pink Lacoste
and with Pants embroidered avec Wee Whales, a belt embroidered
avec Wee Turtles, one of those Nantucket Rope Bracelets, Bluchers
(with the laces tied in those Wacky Little Knots that we will
still know how to tie when we're 90 and can't remember Our Own
Names), and a monogrammed Tote Bag from L.L. Bean! That outfit,
Dear Reader, would make most people think you're dressed up as
a Preppy Handbook Drawing a couple of months early for
the Halloween Party.
Can you wear the Collar Up? Maybe. It might
look Un Peu Jaunty. But again, don't overdo it.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Thank you for your wonderful website! I have
just bought your first book last night and can't wait to read
it. I am so relieved and happy to hear that the things I have
always done as a matter of course, like writing Thank-You Notes
on Nice Stationery and saying Please and Thank-You, are not snobbish
and unnecessary, as more and more people seem to be under the
impression.
I have a social dilemma—last month I
moved in with a close long-time girlfriend and her husband in
order to save some money for school. Before I moved, it was Very
Clearly established that the rent I paid would cover my bedroom
and bathroom to myself and all utilities. The day after I moved
in, my girlfriend informed me that her husband would be continuing
to use the shower in My Bathroom because he felt the shower head
in their bathroom was mounted too low on the wall for him. Even
my parents were Grossed Out! This is not the way things were billed
when I agreed to this arrangement! Additionally, their house is
very far away from my work to add to the problem. Since then I
have had an offer from an older widowed lady to share her home.
She is neat, clean and lives a fraction of the distance to my
work. I have made arrangements to move in with her. Girls, I need
your help! When I leave my friend's house, what do I use as the
reason? Am I to be honest with her and tell her the real reason
I am moving is because of the Bathroom Situation? What am I to
do to exit the scene gracefully? I want to be polite but should
she know the truth? Please help me, EGs! I need advice!
Yours truly,
Downright Disgusted in Kansas City
Dear Downright Disgusted,
Eeeeeeewwwww! That's Completely Unacceptable
of someone to switch the terms of your agreement like that—we'd
have said something to Nip It in the Bud. "Gee, Mabel, that's
not what we agreed to before I moved in. I definitely thought
I wouldn't have to share a bathroom. If the shower-head height
is an issue, I'd be happy to help you replace the one in Your
Bathroom—I'm sure you could find one that would be more
suitable for you." (The EGs aren't exactly Bob Vila, but
we had no trouble replacing the Ancient, Too-Harsh Shower Heads
in pretty much every flat we've ever lived in with newer, better
models, and thus we have to conclude that it can't be all that
hard to Change a Shower Head! Plus, many of the replacement ones
come up significantly higher than the standard wall-mounted variety.)
We're really stuck on why Your Friend would want her
husband using Your Bathroom... there's something just a Tad Creepy
about that.
But anyway, Dear Reader, how badly do you really
want to say something, how do you think Your Friend will react,
and honestly, how much do you CARE how she reacts? It might be
nice to say something like, "I know I put up with it, but
I thought I should say that if you get Another Tenant, you might
want to reconsider the Bathroom Arrangements, or at least make
sure they're clear before she moves in. I was really disappointed
that you changed the arrangement after I'd already moved in." On
the other hand, though, you did apparently Put Up With
It for a month... and it sounds as if the Other House is much
better anyway, so perhaps it's worth Letting This One Slide if
you think Saying Something could adversely affect your friendship
(if, indeed, you want to maintain it).
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Thank you for your wonderful insights both
in your books and on your website. Recently you discussed babysitting
etiquette. It is my hope that you'll be able to assist us in our
quandary.
Let me being by saying both my husband and
I work full-time, we have a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter,
and we share a home with my husband's parents and their Boston
Terrier. Generally speaking, home life is very harmonious, and
we all work together to keep it that way.
Last night at 11 PM a friend of ours called
to ask whether her seven-year-old daughter (let's call her Ella)
could stay at our home for four days over the Labor Day holiday
while she goes out of town with her boyfriend.
This four-day weekend would include picking
Ella up from school at 3:45 PM on Friday and dropping her off
at school at 9 AM on Tuesday. She prefaced the request with, "Going
out to dinner tonight with my mom, boyfriend, and Ella was awful.
That's why I don't like taking Ella places. We've got this trip
planned this weekend, and while I can take her, I really don't
want to. If I pay you $100 a day would you take her for me?"
Neither my husband nor I have been entrusted
with the full-time care of Ella previously except when she was
a tiny infant. To compound our lack of one-on-one experience,
Ella is autistic and requires the same level of care as an infant;
she is not potty-trained and requires special meals, supplements,
and physical therapy. Additionally, her verbal communication is
not well enough developed to convey her needs and she has a tendency
to "meltdown" whenever an adult doesn't immediately
understand her. Ella has never met my in-laws, nor has she ever
been around a dog.
Concerned for the safety and well-being of
Ella and the preservation of our mental health, we told our friend
no.
Now our friend is in a snit and says she's
going to cancel their trip because taking Ella would just be too
much trouble. My question is very simple: does a parent ever have
the right to foist their child on a friend and their family especially
when the child has special needs?
Grrls, your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Have a fabulous Labor Day weekend. May the days that follow be
free of white shoes, seersucker slacks, and khaki suits!
Thank you.
Madeline's Mommy in Michigan
Dear Madeline's Mommy,
Wow. Every once and a while, the EGs hear a
story that can really Curl Our Hair, but yours, Dear Reader, Takes
the Cake. There are just so many Awful Things going on here.
What the hell is Ella's Mother THINKING? Clearly,
she's not Thinking of Her Daughter—we feel heartsick
for the Poor Girl! Ella's Mother needs to get her Priorities In
Line, and Stat, too, for Her Daughter's Sake. You aren't allowed
to be selfish at your child's expense, and her attitude toward
Ella is Appalling! Why would she not think about Ella when she
was planning this trip in the first place? If the trip
would prove too difficult, then, dammit, she should've changed
her plans or at least taken the time to make Proper Arrangements
for Ella's Care—i.e., with someone who has Experience Caring
for Children With Special Needs. Finding Proper Care for one's
child should NEVER be An Afterthought! And while it's certainly
impolite to try to foist your child off for an entire weekend
on someone else who is not Actively Seeking Work as a Baby-Sitter
(nevermind calling them up at 11 PM to ask if they'll do it),
and then get your Nose Out of Joint when that person says no,
this goes far beyond that. You, Dear Reader, have Legitimate Concerns
about Ella's safety and happiness. Ella's Mother, of all people,
should understand that you've got Her Daughter's Best Interests
at heart! But then again, she doesn't seem to think very much
of Her Daughter, so the concept of Ella's Best Interests is probably
completely foreign to her. Honestly, in this situation, the Rudeness
toward you is the least important thing... we are Simply Appalled
at Ella's Mother's lack of concern for Her Daughter.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am getting married in two weeks, and I have
six bridesmaids. Five of them are my dear friends, but one is
my fiancé's 16-year-old rebel sister. The problem is that
she has gone and shaved her head right before the wedding. Now,
I'm not picky about hair. I have waist-length, the other bridesmaids
have ear-length to mid-back, and I was well-prepared to deal with
her spiky, unnaturally red two-inch crop. This, however, will
have everyone staring at the Bald Bridesmaid instead of the Happy
Couple. Would it be okay for me to tell her to wear a Wig or not
be in the Wedding?
Sincerely,
Befuddled over Baldness
Dear Befuddled,
Deep Breath, Dear Reader. Now Another. We highly, highly doubt
that when you and Your Fiancé are Saying Your Vows, anyone
is going to be paying Any Attention Whatsoever to what ANY of
the Bridesmaids looks like. Seriously, one of their heads could
be Magically Replaced avec a Large Cantaloupe, and nobody would
notice. Might there be a Ripple of Surprise when she Walks into
the Church? Sure. But Your Guests will Get Over It, and plus,
they will think you are a Remarkably Well-Adjusted, Non-Hysterical
Bride who understands that one 16-year-old girl's hairstyle (or
the lack thereof) is not really very important in the Big Scheme
of Things. If anyone should comment on Her Baldness (which they
probably will not), we suggest laughing and saying something like, "Isn't
that the most hilarious thing in the world? I hope she wasn't
looking for a Big Reaction out of me. I guess she's going through
a Sinéad O'Connor Phase. You know Teenagers." Plus,
asking her to Wear a Wig or Step Down is just going to Stir Up
Trouble, either with Her or with Your Fiance's Entire Family,
and do you really want to deal with that now?
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I work as a checker in a grocery store. The
people who come through my line are usually rude and tacky. Yesterday
this lady yelled and screamed at me because the store didn't sell
her favorite brand of cigarettes. People are yelling at me to
hurry up and scan items faster because they don't want to spend
a year in line. I'm new so of course I don't know everything.
How can I solve this problem?
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Well, you could put a copy of TYNTBT in
your right hand and a copy of MTYNTBT in
your left hand, and box the Rude Person's Ears with them, but
that would probably Get You Fired P.D.Q. (and perhaps hauled off
to a Wee Stint in the Slammer for Assault and Battery), so that's
probably not such a great idea. (Tempting as it Might Be, though.)
We think that first of all, you should Retain Your Dignity. Do
not sink to the level of the Rude People— do not Yell Back
at them or ask them if they would like Paper, Plastic, or to See
You In Hell, etc. First, is the speed of Your Scanning really
causing a problem? We completely understand that You're Still
Learning, but would you be able to Practice a Bit before handling
a line of Harried Customers when the store is Really Busy? Maybe
you could ask Your Manager if you could man the checkout during
some Less Busy times, so you can get More Comfortable with the
scanner without worrying about holding up the line. Otherwise,
we'd recommend saying something to customers as they arrive at
your machine acknowledging that you are New on the Job. "Welcome
to Stop and Shop. Just wanted to let you know, this is my first
week on the job; I'm working as fast as I can." That, coupled
with a Charming Smile, would probably make Most Irritable People
hold their tongues. If someone should completely Fly Off the Handle
and yell at you for something that is Not Your Fault, you should
just say, "Ma'am, I understand you're upset, but I don't
decide which Cigarettes we carry. I'll be happy to call the Manager
over if you'd like to speak with him about ordering the brand
you prefer."
Yours sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
I recently received an invitation to the wedding
of my childhood best friend. However, I received the invitation
only 10 days before the wedding and the locale was a 10-hour car
drive away! Alas, I had already made plans for another trip during
the weekend of the wedding and had to send my regrets. I would
have certainly enjoyed seeing my friend get married and made the
journey if I had been given more notice and could have made arrangements
to attend. What is the proper lead time for a wedding invitation?
Sincerely,
Clare
Dear Clare,
Oh, you Poor Thing! That is absolutely Too
Close to the Wedding. Six to eight weeks is the Norm; any amount
of time less than that, especially when the invitations in question
are sent to Out of Town Guests, looks like one is just Fishing
For Gifts or Trying to Fill Up Empty Seats at the Reception because
too many people have Already Sent Their Regrets.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My husband has two friends from college he
has remained close with. Since they all live in different states,
getting together doesn't happen often. A tradition they have started
is every year each one hosts a weekend at their home. This guarantees
seeing one another at least three times per year. There is a designated
weekend for each guy, and it is always the same weekend, so we
always know when they are. The next get-together is one month
away. One of the guys has canceled (this is a first), due to the
terrible diagnosis of cancer in his mother. We are all so sad
for him and are sad he won't be attending the weekend, but want
him to be by his mother's side. Now, he has only told the host
of the weekend, not my husband. I was wondering if I should send
flowers or a sympathy card to him. My husband was also wondering
if he should call him.
Thanks for any help that you can give.
K
Dear K,
We think it would be Completely Appropriate
for Your Husband to call his friend, or to send a note saying
he's heard the News and just wanted to say he's keeping the Friend
and His Mother in his thoughts and prayers. After all, when one
has a Serious Family Situation, one isn't likely to go around
telling all of one's acquaintances about it individually... one
would probably rather spend time with the Family Member who is
Ill instead of calling dozens of people to Spread the News. This
is where a Grapevine, Dear Reader, can be a Very Helpful Thing.
The Host of the weekend wasn't spreading anything Malicious, or
anything Unsubstantiated, by telling Your Husband; we think Your
Husband should feel free to acknowledge the fact that He Knows
About His Friend's Mother's Illness. As for flowers or a Sympathy
Card... well, Dear Reader, the flowers might be okay, as long
as they're not the Least Bit Funereal, but you should definitely avoid
any expression of Sympathy. One sends a Note of Sympathy after someone
has Passed Away, not before, so we would recommend avoiding any
phrasing like, "You have our deepest sympathy," or "Mary
and I felt we should send Our Condolences," while Your Husband's
Friend's Mother is Ill.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I attended several Informal Dinner Parties (two were actually cookouts) over
the course of the summer and experienced the same Problem at all of them. In
all cases, the Invitations were Verbal only, and when I asked the Hostesses
in each case if I could bring anything, they said no, that Everything Was Taken
Care of, and that my Presence was all that was Required. However, again in
all cases, when I Arrived at said Parties, all the other guests had brought
something, from wine to salads to desserts. If the hostess says I needn't bring
anything, should I ignore this no matter what and bring a bundt cake anyway?
What gives? I usually take what people say literally, but it seems that so
often in etiquette the polite thing to say and the actual information being
exchanged are not the same.
I feel quite foolish and embarrassed by this.
Eagerly awaiting your Sage Advice,
Rough Around the Edges
Dear Rough Around the Edges,
The problem here is that people don't seem
to understand that when attending a party, a Guest must bring
a Gift for the Hostess—not something intended to be Part
of the Meal. (Unless, of course, the Hostess specifically asks
you to bring a dish, i.e., for a Pot-Luck.)
While sometimes people bring Wine (and a Nice
Bottle of Wine, if you know Your Hostess enjoys Wine, is a fine
Hostess Gift), this Wine need not be served at the Party. If the
Hostess really wants to serve it, she may, but it's Our Practice
always to thank the giver profusely and put the Wine away for
Another Time. Why? Well, what happens if Several Guests ALL bring
Wine? It would be Very Awkward indeed to choose between them...
whoever's Wine isn't served first will probably worry
that the bottle they selected wasn't Good Enough, etc. And what
if the Wine Someone Brought doesn't go with the Meal You're Serving?
So it's always Safer to put it away for later. (Say something
like, "Oh, this is lovely! Thank you! I've already decanted
a Burgundy to go with Dinner, but I can't wait to try this!")
Guests who do Go Ahead and Bring Food, especially
when they've been told it isn't necessary, are actually Being
Rude (even if they have the Best Intentions). If someone invites
you to Her Home for Dinner, she's going to have already Planned
the Entire Meal, from Hors d'Oeuvres to Dessert. If she's just
spend several hours Slaving Away over the Meal, it's terribly,
terribly presumptuous of you to show up with Some Random Dish,
expecting the Hostess to Serve It! Even if Your Pecan Pie always
draws Raves, you should Leave It Home, Dear Reader, unless it's
a Pot-Luck. Maybe the Dessert the Hostess has planned won't be
quite as good as Your Pie, but you'll just have to Suffer in Silence.
What this Boils Down To is really a question
of what the "Can I bring anything?" / "No, thank
you," conversation really means. Since a Gift for Your Hostess
is obligatory, you really can't ask if you should bring
that—you simply need to Bring It, Period. Therefore,
we don't think you Need to Ask at all—just Bring a Small
Gift. (We mentioned Wine above, but there are tons of More Creative
Options—pretty Vintage Cocktail Napkins, a book you think
Your Hostess would enjoy, etc.) When we are asked, "Can I
bring anything?" we interpret this to mean, "Is there
anything you need for the party, along the lines of Dessert?" Some
Hostesses probably will just say, "No, thank you," but
we think it's best to Be Clear (especially if you've invited one
of those Pecan Pie-Pusher People) and respond with something like, "No,
thank you for asking, but I've just finished planning the meal
and I've got everything Under Control." To sum it up, Dear
Reader: Don't Ask; just bring a Hostess Gift that is Not Intended
to be Part of the Meal. If you do ask and are told no,
then you should ESPECIALLY not Bring Any Food—just a Hostess
Gift, as always.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have a Friend who prides herself on Being Honest—which
means Speaking Her Mind no matter what the consequences. Oftentimes
her remarks hurt Someone's Feelings. For example, the other day,
a bunch of us were watching Television, and Another Mutual Friend
commented that she would like to go on a Makeover Show. Honest Friend
replied, "You should! Truthfully, you really NEED a makeover.
You look Terrible!" When our Mutual Friend got upset, Honest
Friend said, "I'm just telling the Truth! What, do you want
me to LIE?"
Usually, I avoid asking this So-Called Honest
Friend any questions that I DON'T want to hear the answers to. But
lately, she's started volunteering her honest opinion. I was married
a few weeks ago, and at the reception, Honest Friend pulled me aside
and said, "The Caterer you've chosen is Really Terrible. The
food is AWFUL. I just thought you would Want to Know." Naturally,
I was dismayed! I spent the Rest of the Reception wondering if the
other guests were eating it just to be polite, or because they were
Ravenously Hungry or something.
To make things even worse, Honest Friend now
has an Honest Boyfriend. I'm so SICK of hearing all the time about
how my Cooking sucks, my clothes are Ratty, my house is Messy, etc.
I figure I have Two Options: 1) Ditch the chick or 2) Find a way
to tell her that her Honesty can be easily mistaken for Rudeness.
Which do you suggest? And what's the Best Way to broach this topic?
Had It Up to Here with Honesty
Dear Had It Up to Here,
Gee, we're Absolutely Amazed that anyone made
it out of Childhood without having "If you can't say anything
Nice, don't say Anything At All" drilled into them by Their
Parents! How dare she tell you the food at Your Wedding Reception
was bad?! Or tell your friend that she Looks Terrible? Oh, Dear
Reader, that's not Being Honest—that's Being Cruel and using
"But I'm just Being Honest!" as a Bad Excuse for Mean
Behavior.
So what to do? We think you should give her a
Dose of Her Own Medicine. The next time she says something Honest
(i.e., Mean), tell her, "Georgina, I know you're on some sort
of Honesty Kick, but you know what? I find your 'Honest' Comments
to be Mean, Petty, Rude, and Uncalled-For. One can manage to be
Honest without Hurting Anyone Else's Feelings, and until you learn
how to do that, I would appreciate not hearing any more of your
'Honest' Opinions." If she replies, "What, do you want
me to LIE?" then tell her, "No, but you don't have to
Go Out of Your Way to say something Hurtful. For example, it wouldn't
have killed you to be simply enthusiastic about Gillian's idea of
Going on a Makeover Show, instead of telling her that she needs
to do that, because she looks terrible. Keeping your opinion to
yourself is not lying; in fact, if your opinion would Hurt Someone's
Feelings, then it's only Polite to Keep Mum!" If others in
Your Circle of Friends are as Fed Up with her as you are, Dear Reader,
you should each have a Similar Conversation with her. Now, speaking
to her like this might have the outcome of Ending Your Friendship,
but really, Dear Reader, do you want this person around if she's
going to do nothing but Insult You and Make You Feel Terrible? Unless
she starts Thinking Before She Speaks, we think you and your friends
would be Happier Without Her.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have a rather odd question for you: Can thank-you
letters go too far? Recently I found a lost dog, and returned him
to the address on his collar. His owner was exceedingly grateful
and thanked me profusely. I told her not to mention it, it was my
pleasure to see her and her lovable pet reunited. Here's where things
get strange. She sent me a thank-you note by post a few days later
(how she got my address I don't know) and enclosed with it a monetary
gift as a thank-you. I in turn wrote her a letter thanking her for
her generosity and stressing that really, her thanks was enough
and she didn't need to go to the trouble of sending me a gift. A
few days later I received a thank-you note for my thank-you note.
I think this has gone a little too far—I don't know her personally
at all, and I fear that I may be thanking her for her letters until
I am old and grey. Should I cease with the letters, or am I wrong
and should I just keep writing back?
Yours,
H
Dear H,
Yes, cease with the letters. We suspect she's
really just Exceedingly Grateful that you Found Her Dog—she's
probably not actually trying to Freak You Out or anything.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest Grrls,
I am getting married in just over a week, and
we have obviously spent a great deal of time during the past month
organizing R.S.V.P.s and creating the perfect seating plan. Then,
just last night, my fiancé was approached by a friend of
his who is invited, and was asked whether or not said friend could
bring his girlfriend, who is not invited. This girlfriend is not
someone either my fiancé or I know, and the relationship
is quite new. Also, we are not wealthy and have tried to keep the
guest list manageable.
I must add that my fiancé discussed the
girlfriend issue with this friend before. He explained that nobody
in that particular group of friends was bringing a significant other
(by the way, no one is in a serious relationships or living together).
And so now, with about 10 days to go, placecards
already made, and seating plan worked out, this friend has informed
my fiancé that his girlfriend will be accompanying him to
the town in which we are being married (it is out of town for most
of our friends) and that he does not want her to have to sit in
the hotel while he goes to the party. You see, they are carrying
on farther up north for a cottage weekend after our wedding.
I don't want some poor girl sitting alone in
her hotel room while her boyfriend whoops it up either, but, EGs,
I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. Do I say okay and make everyone
who didn't ambush us with their girlfriends feel bad? Or do I leave
her to a night of HBO at the Days Inn? Your wise words would be
appreciated!
Many thanks,
Confused Bride-to-Be
Dear Confused Bride-to-Be,
Don't make an Exception and Change Your Guest
List. We think this Guest is being completely Manipulative and Rude,
and you shouldn't give in. It would be unfair to all of Your Other
Friends who are not Bringing Dates! What would you do if
this Guest tells five other people he knows that he and
his girlfriend will be there, because even though she wasn't invited
you said it was okay because she's coming to town with him, and
those five people decided heck, we're going to bring Our Significant
Others too and also Make a Weekend Out of This Wedding? Then you'd
REALLY be stuck, Dear Reader. Have Your Fiancé explain to
him that you're very sorry, but the Guest List has been Finalized
and you Can't Make an Exception... even if it weren't Last-Minute,
it would be Unfair to Other Guests, as no one else who is Single
was invited to Bring a Date. And then, Dear Reader, don't Feel Guilty
about it! If this girl had Any Sense, she'd have said to Her Boyfriend,
"Oh, it's no big deal that you're invited alone—that
happens all the time at Weddings, and it would be Very Rude of us
to Pester the Bride and Groom for a special invitation for me. Just
go and have a good time—I'll just hang out at the hotel and
relax, and then we can get an Early Start the next morning to the
Cottage."
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Thanks for providing such a wonderful site!
My boyfriend and have spent a few months searching
for a house. As part of the search, we employed the services of
a real estate agent. She is a very nice lady and spent many nights
and weekends helping find available houses and condominiums. The
problem is, she never found us a place. Most of the properties that
were good matches for us, we actually brought to her attention.
The one place she did find, we lost in the negotiating process.
We did finally find a place that was being sold
by the owner without a selling agent, and seller did not want us
to have an agent. We discussed this opportunity with our agent,
and she said that if we find a place that we like and it did not
include her, well, that's how it goes. We hired an attorney and
close on the house next month.
My question is, should we compensate our agent
in some way? Although she did not find us a house or help us negotiate
an offer, she did spend quite a bit of time driving us around and
making appointments. We ultimately found a place on our own, but
should we send her a gift after we close? If so, what kind of gift
would be appropriate. Her commission would be thousands of dollars,
which we certainly cannot afford, but I do feel like we should show
our gratitude for her work. WWEGD?
Sincerely,
A New Mortgagee
Dear New Mortgagee,
First—WWEGD?? Tee hee hee!! Perhaps we
should get that printed on Wee Pink-and-Green Bracelets so that
everyone would remember to wonder what the EGs would do when a Potential
Faux Pas Looms. "Should I wear Flip-Flops to my Big Job Interview
at Conservative Investment Banking Firm, Inc.? WWEGD? Oh, duh, of
course the EGs would wear Stylish Leather Pumps or Slingbacks!
They'd tell me Flip-Flops are only for The Pool, The Beach, and
Yucky Gym Showers! Begone, Vile Casual Footwear!" "Should
I get Ivory Writing Paper engraved with my initials in Navy Blue,
or Hot Pink Writing Paper engraved with my initials in Fluorescent
Yellow? WWEGD? Ack, the EGs would fling this Gaudy Paper away because
it is Migraine-Inducingly Bright, and would remind me that One's
Writing Paper should be versatile enough to use for both a casual
note to a friend and a Condolence Note, and boy, would it be Terribly,
Terribly Awful of me to write a Condolence Note on paper that looks
like Tropical Punch." But we digress...
We think, Dear Reader, that you have found a
Wonderful Real Estate Agent! A Thank-You Note would be Most Proper—and
honestly, the best expression of gratitude you could probably give
her would be to say that you are going to Refer Her to all of your
friends when they're thinking of Moving (and then, of course, to
do that). If you wanted to send along a Small Gift in addition to
the thank-you note, that would be fine, but do keep it inexpensive,
and don't even think about what Her Commission might have been.
A small plant would be good, or a wee floral arrangement, or even
some Goodies from The Best Local Bakery. But really, there's no
need to Go Overboard.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
I recently attended the destination wedding of
my fiancé's brother. My fiancé was in the wedding
and often unable to introduce me to people during the course of
the wedding weekend. Instead, my future in-laws were often introducing
me to members of both families that I did not know. On several separate
occasions my future father-in-law and mother-in-law introduced me
to people like this, "So-and-so, this is my son's FRIEND, [my
name]."
Here is my question: Should I be offended by
their use of the word "friend" instead of "fiancée"?
I felt a little upset and hurt after I was introduced in this way.
I have been dating their son for almost six years and for the past
year and a half we have been living together. We got engaged about
four months ago. Both parents seem to like me, and I really like
them. My fiancé thinks I shouldn't take it personally and
that they probably meant nothing by it. But I think after six years,
I at least deserve the respect to be introduced as their son's "girlfriend"
rather than just "friend." Do you think I am wrong in
being offended by these introductions? I didn't correct either of
my fiancé's parents when they did this; do you think I should
have? If so, what is a polite way to correct any incorrect introductions
in the future?
Any light you can shed on this issue would be
wonderful!!
Thanks,
Not Just a Friend
Dear Not Just a Friend,
Of course you should be introduced as "My
Son's Fiancée," not "My Son's Friend"! That's
very odd. We'd have probably taken his parents aside and said something
like, "I noticed you introduced me as Michael's Friend; would
you mind introducing me as His Fiancée? I've caught a couple
of people glancing curiously at My Ring after we were introduced
and I've had to explain that Michael and I are actually more than
just friends, we're engaged, and it is a bit awkward."
Maybe you could say something During the Introduction, but that
might seem Even More Awkward—you definitely do not want to
create the impression that His Parents either Don't Know You're
Engaged, or Don't Approve of It, in front of a Total Stranger! We
think you should have a Quick Word with Your Fiancé's Parents
before the next event that might require introductions.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
Through no fault of our own, my family members
and I have found ourselves in a rather embarrassing situation and
are desperately in need of some good advice! Here's the story: a
few days ago, we received a lovely invitation to a garden party
to celebrate the birthdays of Bill, Bob, and Lucy (all names have
been changed). The party is being hosted by Bob and Wendy, to whom
we should R.S.V.P. Sounds smashing so far, right? Wrong.
The trouble stems from the fact that no last
names are mentioned on the invitation, not even in the return address!
First of all, we do not know any couple named Bob and Wendy (if,
indeed, they are a couple at all, and not brother or sister or some
other such relation). Secondly, although we do have a good friend
named Bill, we don't seem to remember his birthday being around
this time of year, and we also don't remember him ever mentioning
a Bob or Wendy.
In a moment of internet savvy, I entered the
'phone number given to R.S.V.P. into an online phone book search
and was able to locate the hosts' last name (verified by the return
address). However, nobody in my family could recognize the last
name, so we are still back to square one.
Needless to say, we are in quite a pickle. Of
course we would love to attend the party of someone we are friends
with, but it is a bit difficult to call and R.S.V.P. to someone
we don't know! I suggested calling Bill and seeing if he knows anything
about it, but WHAT IF the party is intended to be a surprise and
the hosts simply forgot to mention it on the invitation? (Granted,
this is rather unlikely, but given these hosts' track record of
including important information on invitations, I wouldn't be a
bit surprised!)
The date to R.S.V.P. by is drawing near and we
are still debating what to do. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
"Do I Know You?"
Dear "Do I Know You?",
Oooh! It's a Mystery! We think you should hire
an Old-Fashioned Private Investigator to figure out the identities
of All of These People! But sadly, we bet Private Investigators,
like so many Other Things, are Nowhere Near as Cool now as they
are in Old Movies. Sigh.
Well, the easiest option would be just to Send
Your Regrets. That's not much fun, though, because you'll never
know who the party is for! We think your best bet is to talk to
Bill and, in a roundabout sort of way, ask him if His Birthday is
Coming Up. If he says it is, then at least you'll have a clue that
the party might be for him. If he says, "Oh, no, my birthday
was in March," then you'll know that at least you're not missing
the Birthday Party of a Dear Friend, and you could simply R.S.V.P.
that you will not be able to attend (you don't have to mention that
you have No Idea Who Anyone Is). Or we suppose you could call Bob
and Wendy and say you are very sorry, but you received their Lovely
Invitation and are Terribly Befuddled—you know quite a few
Bills, Bobs, and Lucys, and would they mind telling you exactly
who the Guests of Honor are? (Only do this if you are prepared to
Attend if you do recognize one of the names. It would be very weird
to call to find out this information and then just say, "Oh,
okay. I guess I do know Bill. Actually, I can't come, but I wanted
to know who it was for.")
Sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I know this wouldn't be a typical question that
you would be asked, but I'm not sure where else to turn. I have
a friend who's just had a miscarriage, and I'm not sure if I should
send her and her husband flowers and a sympathy card. Can you please
help? I'm at a loss and don't want to make them feel any worse than
I'm sure they already do. Thanks for any help that you can give.
D.
Dear D.,
Absolutely send a Condolence Note. Flowers would
be fine as well, but they're not as important as sending a personal,
thoughtful, heartfelt Condolence Note. A Miscarriage is as much
of a loss as any other Death, and we think it would be more hurtful
not to acknowledge it. Do be careful what you say, however.
Sometimes people get a little bit of Writer's Block when composing
Condolence Notes, and they end up saying things that can actually
make the Bereaved Person feel worse. Because this is a more unusual
situation, make sure to leave yourself extra time to Draft Something
and read it over a few times. Specifically, we've heard of people
mentioning things like, "Something must have been terribly
wrong with the baby for this to have happened," or "At
least you already have two kids," which are Completely Insensitive.
Now, Dear Reader, we think you're Not Likely to err like this, because
the fact that you care enough to wonder how to respond in This Situation
shows you are both Thoughtful and Sensitive, but we just want to
encourage you and anyone else writing a Similar Note to Spend as
Much Time with it as you need to Get the Words Right. That's so
important.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My Friend from High School and I have been lucky
enough to keep in touch throughout our College Years. Recently,
this Friend moved to a City that is about 100 miles away from where
I live now. She's visited me Several Times, and I have noticed a
Disturbing Trend.
My Friend only visits me when she has Something
Else to do in my town—for instance, the last time she visited,
she knocked on my Door at Midnight, slept all day the Next Day,
and went to Another Friend's birthday party the Next Night. When
she left on Sunday, she said that she was sorry we "didn't
get to Spend More Time together." Not surprisingly, I was Very
Put Out.
Grrls, my Friend wants to come visit This Weekend,
supposedly to "Hang Out" with me. After I said she could,
I Found Out that the Friend has Parties planned for both nights...
Parties I am Not Invited to.
I think that She is using My Home as a Bed-and-Breakfast.
How can I tell her tactfully that I don't run a Boarding House?
She's always been a Good Friend other than this.
Please Help
Dear Please Help,
Quelle Rude Friend! Oh, Dear Reader, you have
to tell her, stat, that you're not going to stand for Such Behavior.
First of all, it's Rude to Invite Yourself to Stay With Anyone.
Second, even if you'd said something like, "Oh, let me know
when you can Come Up for the Weekend," or "I'd always
love a Houseguest!" she ought to be actually Hanging Out With
You, not arriving at All Hours, Sleeping All Day, and in general
being Very Inconsiderate of You! Now, the EGs think there might
be a couple of occasions when it might be permissible to spend a
minimal amount of time with One's Host, but those are Few and Far
Between. For example, if Your Friend were considering Attending
Grad School in the city where you live, she might come to stay with
you for a few days but need to spend much of her time On Campus,
checking it out, and maybe even attending a few Grad Student Parties
on her own, so she could get a sense of the other students. That's
fine, but anyone who is planning such a visit should 1) make it
absolutely clear to Her Hostess that she will have a Full Slate
of On-Campus Activities to attend and 2) STILL make an effort to
spend time with Her Hostess. Perhaps one might need to go along
avec the other Prospective Grad Students to a Dinner Party at a
Professor's House on Saturday Night, and that party might last until
the Wee Hours, but even so, one can still Awaken at a Reasonable
Time and treat One's Hostess to a Leisurely Brunch. Sleeping all
day is not nice at all if Your Hostess hasn't been to the party
too!
So, Dear Reader, next time this girl asks if
she can "hang out," tell her that honestly, while you'd
love to spend time with her, you've been very disappointed that
the last few times she's visited, she said she was going to Spend
Time with you but instead has just crashed at your place. You'd
love to have her visit for the weekend, but you'd like that to be
a Real Weekend Visit, where the point is to Hang Out With Each Other—go
shopping, watch old movies, Toss Back a Few—not another "visit"
where she only sleeps in Your Apartment. If she gets All Bent Out
of Shape by this, that is Her Problem, Dear Reader. Granted, you
could take the more Passive Tactic of saying that she can't come
the next few times she tries to Invite Herself, but we think you
really should Level With Her. (We can just imagine what could come
of a Little White Lie like "Sorry, but I'm going to be Out
of Town Next Weekend"—"Cool! Then I can just use
your apartment, right?") It is Very, Very Rude to Impose on
Friends like this!
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
How would you handle a dear friend who places
an excessive amount of pressure on birthday/holiday gifts? This
person is perfectly impossible to buy for as she has everything
and has literally no hobbies or interests. I gave her a pretty candle
for her birthday this year and when she opened the gift bag I thought
she was going to cry from disappointment. I'm beginning to resent
exchanging gifts with this person. Thanks for your help!
Sincerely,
The Un-Thoughtful Friend
Dear Un-Thoughtful Friend,
"Literally NO hobbies or interests"?
As in NONE? At ALL? C'mon, she's got to be interested in Something.
Even if she does nothing but sit at home alone all day eating Bon
Bons and watching TV, you could get her some Really High-Quality
Bon Bons! Did she ever have Hobbies? If, for example, she used to
do Watercolors, you could get her a Starter Set of Paints and Brushes
and a Little Pad of Watercolor Paper, and tell her that you remembered
how she used to be mad for painting and thought she might want to
take it up again—you remember her work was Quite Good! Otherwise,
something you made is always nice. Maybe she doesn't have hobbies,
but if you enjoy, say, Embroidery, you could make her a set of Monogrammed
Guest Towels. The personal effort you made should matter to her,
even if she doesn't Collect Embroidered Things. Some other ideas:
a book about the History of Her Hometown, Her Alma Mater, or Her
Neighborhood; the DVD to a movie you went to together that she particularly
enjoyed; or personalized Writing Paper (everyone always needs this,
and the fact that you went to the trouble of ordering it avec her
name or initials is Very Thoughtful). We're sure you can come up
with Something! Also, just as an aside... it's Rather Rude to Act
Disappointed when opening a gift. Even if it's something you Loathe,
such as an angora Hello Kitty ski cap, you should act pleasantly
surprised and thank the Giver warmly. No fair putting on one of
those Too-Bright, Phony Smiles and saying something like, "Well
isn't this... youthful," either.
Yours sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My fiancé and I have been engaged for
over six months. In that time we have both come across a very pesky
problem. It seems that all of our bitterly divorced co-workers,
friends, and clients feel that it is necessary to give us completely
unsolicited advice! They believe they are the authority on what
"not" to do in a marriage. One co-worker went as far as
to tell me that "All men cheat no matter how faithful you think
they may be—so, what is the point of getting married?"
I found this to be completely out of line!
My fiancé and I are both responsible adults,
not love-struck teenagers. Most of the people offering advice have
no idea of what our family backgrounds are like or the solid spiritual
foundation that we have based our relationship on. I do understand
that people are usually trying to be helpful when they give this
kind of advice, but I believe that advice should only be dispensed
when it is sought out… not just randomly spewed out from bitter
divorcées!
My question is, how do we tell these people in
a friendly but firm way that we are not looking for their "pearls
of wisdom"? We're not getting married for another year. I'm
afraid that if we don't nip this situation in the bud one of us
will wind up telling these "helpful" people exactly
where to place their "pearls."
Sincerely,
Baffled Bride
Dear Baffled Bride,
"Gosh, that's a bit... Bitter." [Long,
uncomfortable pause.] "Thanks for the, um, advice, but Jasper
and I will be Just Fine. Excuse me, I've got to get back to my desk
now."
Or, get a Sympathetic Co-Worker to help you out.
Start a conversation, including a few of the Bitterly Divorced Folks,
about How the Wedding Planning is Going. Make sure Your Accomplice
asks you, "So what's the most annoying thing you've encountered
so far?" Then expound upon how Very Tiresome you find it when
people take it upon themselves to tell you all of their Pessimistic
Views of Marriage in the guise of Giving Advice. "One of Jasper's
Colleagues actually said something like, 'If you're going to get
divorced, try to do it before you have kids.' Excuse me?! Um, I
do not appreciate anyone insinuating that Jasper and I are Going
to Get Divorced, just because a lot of people do, nowadays—they
don't know anything about Our Relationship, Our Backgrounds, Our
Beliefs, etc., and that's kind of Insulting. Can you believe the
Nerve of Some People?" Then have Your Accomplice swiftly change
the subject to something like whether you've booked a Reception
Site Yet.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Last Fall I married a wonderful man whose Last
Name quite obviously bespeaks his Ethnicity, which is Quite Opposite
of mine. Although it has taken Nine Months for me to encounter my
first (perceived) Rude Comment regarding my Looks vs. my Last Name,
I am certain that this is something I will encounter again in the
future, and I would like to be prepared with a Snappy Comeback when
in that situation again.
Last Week, while setting my next appointment
at my Doctor's Office, the Receptionist took it upon herself to
point out the obvious to me, stating very Matter-Of-Factly that
"You don't look like a (insert ethnicity-bespeaking Last Name
here)." Quite Taken Aback, I elected NOT to reply with the
first thing that happened to pop into my head, which was "And
you don't look like a (insert Euphemism for Female-Chien-In-Heat
here), either." Instead, I replied, "Well, my Husband
does." As soon as I had uttered these words, I regretted them,
as not only did I feel as though I were laying blame on him for
something over which he has No Control, but also that it was none
of her Damned Business what my husband looks like, let alone the
fact that I am Married at all.
How should I handle this type of comment in the
future? I Quite Rather admire Sarcastic and Witty comebacks to put
people in their Etiquette Place, yet I realize my initial thought
would have been Most Inappropriate for a Lady to say. Have you any
suggestions?
Faithfully,
Mrs. Fair-Haired "Latina"
Dear Mrs. Fair-Haired "Latina,"
Dear God. You'd think Civilization, as a Whole,
would realize there are much better things to talk about than Whether
People's Surnames Indicate Their Ethnicity! Sigh. That is such a
Stupid Comment, we'd probably say something like, "That's a
very odd thing to say," and let the Dumb Person who said it
Sit There and Stammer an Apology.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My question regards wedding invitations. My fiancé
and I have been together for three years and have lived together
for two of those years. We have many couples that we spend time
with on a fairly regular basis, and although they were his friends
first, I have become close with many of them. Recently, a few of
these couples have decided to get married, and when we have received
the invitations in the mail, they are always addressed to my fiancé
and guest. I feel offended every time we receive an invitation addressed
in this manner and feel that it is extremely rude to refer to me
simply as "Guest." My fiancé tells me that it is
no big deal and that I am making too much of the issue, but it really
bothers me. I defer to your wisdom in this situation. Should I say
anything, just let it go, or am I truly making a mountain out of
a mole hill?
Thank you,
Guest
Dear Guest,
The first thing that springs to Our Minds is
that it isn't intended to be a Slight Against You—rather,
it's Laziness on behalf of the Future Bride and Groom. Obviously
they do know who you are, but for some reason, it just didn't Cross
Their Wedding-Addled Minds to name you on the Invitation. Heck,
even if they'd Never Laid Eyes on You Before, but knew that Their
Old Friend Algernon had gotten engaged, they should have contacted
Algernon to find out His Fiancée's Name in order to put it
on the Invitation! So yes, using "and Guest," for you
is Completely Rude, but we think it would be best to R.S.V.P. as
usual and Try Not to Let It Bother You. Your response should, of
course, name you ("Mr. Algernon Rutherford and Miss Camilla
du Maurier / accept with pleasure..."), and the gift you send
should be from both of you, not just from Your Fiancé. And
then, Dear Reader, when you Plan Your Own Wedding, you can be happy
knowing you will Never Do This to Anyone Else's Fiancé(e).
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My husband's mother is in the habit of calling
our house around the hour of 8:00 A.M. Most recently, when she failed
to get an answer at that time (thank God for caller ID), she proceeded
to get in her car and drive to our house because she wanted to pick
up some pictures that my husband had developed for her. I should
mention that I am pregnant, sleep erratically, and do not appreciate
visits by anyone without reasonable warning. When I asked my husband
to politely ask her to call later in the morning and to not stop
by unexpectedly, she became indignant and insulted (for added drama
she noted seeing the "hate in that woman's eyes"); thus
I now receive the cold shoulder. I have always loved his parents
otherwise and thought this would be a good time of breaking her
of the habit before the baby is born. Was I wrong in making such
an issue?
Sincerely,
Evil Eyes
Dear Evil Eyes,
Of COURSE not! That is Completely Unreasonable.
She sounds like a Selfish Drama Queen. (Hmm. That's a Bit Redundant,
we suppose; Drama Queens are always Selfish, aren't they? Sorry.)
Your husband really needs to Step Up Here and communicate the following
points to His Mother:
1) She's Being Unreasonable.
2) It's Completely Uncalled For to talk about
you as having Hate in Your Eyes. It's not true, and he doesn't appreciate
the Drama, not to mention the fact that His Mother would say something
like that about His Wife. [Note: We are assuming, Dear Reader, that
you weren't standing in the doorway Putting a Hex on Her or something.
If that was the case, then, um, you were Rather Out of Line. Somehow,
though, we Highly Doubt this was what happened.]
3) He ALSO thinks that 8:00 A.M. is Way Too Early
to Call, let alone Stop By, unless it's An Emergency. And he has
thought so for A While.
4) He, and you, are truly sorry she seems so
upset by this, but he thinks she's Overreacting. Big Time. Lots
of things have had to change since you've become Pregnant, and even
more will change when the Baby Arrives, and this is merely one example.
The two of you have been Dealing With Such Changes, and everyone
else you've explained things to has taken things in stride, so he
doesn't see why she's having Such a Hard Time with it.
Then he should invite her over for dinner, or
something, so you can try to Clear the Air. If she continues to
give you The Cold Shoulder, then that's unfortunate, but you definitely
shouldn't apologize (or, worse, give in and tell her she's welcome
to call at All Hours). We're sorry you have to Deal With This Nonsense!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have a situation I am not sure
how to handle. I have five children, ranging in age from three up
to 12. I was not thin before I had children, nor am I thin now,
but pretty much the same as before.
My problem is that strangers everywhere
assume (because of my weight) I must be pregnant. Like many overweight
women in this country, I am a bit sensitive concerning my weight,
and certainly disturbed by others' comments on it. In the past week
I have had to endure sweet little old ladies ask one of my children,
"So, are you hoping for a little brother, or a little sister?"
I hate standing in line at the grocery store and having the check-out
girl say, "Oh, God love ya! When I was that pregnant I didn't
even want to leave the house!" I want to die every time some
stranger near me in public says, "So, do you know what you're
having?" and we're NOT looking at menus! And it's not just
that they think I'm pregnant, but that I'm due-any-moment pregnant:
"Oh, Honey, you look just miserable! Here, sit down! It won't
be long till you have that baby in your arms and all this will have
been worth it." I WASN'T miserable, till they said that!!
Not to mention many of the other
etiquette mistakes pregnant women endure, such as strangers wanting
to touch your belly, or grabbing at your belly and announcing, "You're
all in front—it's a girl!" These were bad enough to endure
when I WAS pregnant with my children—and completely unbearable
when I am not pregnant.
Recently when a lady patted my stomach and said, "How are you
getting along, Dear?" I replied, "I'm fine... and you
are patting my flab; I'm not pregnant."
I make good food choices, and I
try to exercise often, but with homeschooling five children it's
just not a priority. I gave away all my maternity clothes after
the last baby was born, but people still assume I'm pregnant. I
am getting weary of saying, "Actually, I'm not pregnant,"
only to have people further stick their feet in their mouths by
saying, "Well, no, of course you aren't... you just looked
that way... I mean, you're big, but not... uh...." My friends
say, "They mean well...." I don't care how "well"
they mean... it's insensitive to make remarks about a person's personal
appearance. Especially a STRANGER's!!
How do I rescue my self-confidence
in such a situation?
Sincerely,
NOT Pregnant
Dear NOT Pregnant,
Before we answer your question,
let us address all of our Dear Readers directly. Do you hear this?
This is precisely why one Never, Ever Assumes that a Woman Is Expecting.
We don't care how sure you think you are—unless she's wearing
a "Baby On Board" shirt (which any Stylish Woman Would
Never Be), you are Not Allowed even to insinuate that she MIGHT
be Pregnant until She Brings It Up First! And of course, even if
you are positively sure she is Pregnant, you are Not Allowed to
Rub Her Tummy unless she specifically invites you to. Yes, she's
Pregnant, and you might find that Adorable, but guess what? It's
Still Her Body, and it is Very, Very Impolite to Start Patting Anybody's
Abdomen.
Now, Dear NOT Pregnant, back to
the question you raised. We would recommend saying something like,
"I'm not pregnant. Please don't make assumptions like that;
it's Very Embarrassing for both parties." If people say anything
nonsensical trying to Recover From That, then so be it... there's
probably no way to Stop Them from Babbling. We'd keep looking them
right in the eye; just Watch Them Squirm. Or simply walk away after
you've Said Your Piece to them.
Dear Reader, hang in there. We are
terribly, terribly sorry you have to endure this Rude Behavior.
We hope that our other Dear Readers will spread this information
and stop these very Hurtful Comments from being made to you in the
first place! You Poor Dear! We are, even now, raising a Virtual
G&T to you for enduring all of these Annoying People without
having Slugged Someone Already.
Most sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I invited two couples for a very
special dinner party. One couple has been friends with us for 15
years and the other couple an acquaintance for four years. They
had never met each other before. The dinner started at six with
appetizers and cocktails, followed by dinner and dessert. Everybody
was having a good time until the one couple invited the other couple
to come over to their home for a drink and to show off their new
house. I was very insulted... it was my dinner party and we usually
chat and have after dinner drinks. Both couples left right after
dessert and I was left with the clean up. I worked on this dinner
from 8:00 in the morning to 4:00 in the afternoon... I worked very
hard to make it great, and I resent the couple that suggested to
go to their house. I feel that they should not have piggy-backed
on my dinner party. And I also feel the other couple should have
said, "Why don't we go see your house some other time?"
Am I wrong to feel so put out?
Sincerely,
Sigs
Dear Sigs,
That is Very Odd Behavior. Not only
is it Rude to suggest that a Party Should Move Elsewhere, it's particularly
Rude not to invite the Hosts of the Original Party! Any invitation
issued at your house should have included you. For example, if Couple
A wanted to invite Couple B to a dinner party at their home Next
Week (which, of course, would have been perfectly acceptable), they
shouldn't have done it in front of you and your husband unless they
were inviting you as well. If they wished to invite Couple B alone,
they could have called them the next day. But Couple A should never
have issued this invitation in the First Place; once it was issued,
Couple B should have Declined It.
Sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
As a willowy young woman of 6'2",
I am often approached by strangers who inquire about my height,
make rude comments such as, "Man, you're tall!" or ask
silly questions like, "Do you play basketball?" And some
just stare unashamedly, which makes me dreadfully uncomfortable.
I love being tall, but I've become weary of the insensitivity of
these ill-mannered strangers. Please advise me on some biting responses
for these boorish individuals.
Thank you in advance,
Weary
Dear Weary,
Well, Dear Reader, there are plenty
of things you could say:
Idiot: Man, you're tall!
You [with enthusiasm]: Hey! The sky is blue! And the Pope's Catholic!
Idiot: Man, you're tall!
You: And you're wearing a beige sweater! C'mon, now it's your
turn to State Something Obvious.
Idiot: Do you play basketball?
You: No. Do you enjoy needlepoint?
Idiot: Huh?
You: Oh, sorry, I thought we were playing "Guess Each Other's
Hobbies."
Idiot stares up at you.
You: Excuse me, is a piano about to fall on my head or something?
What are you looking at?
People just need to STOP with the
Stupid Questions and Comments. Really. It's enough to Drive One
Mad!
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest Etiquette Grrls,
My best friend is brilliant, funny
and all around fantastic, but she has the self-esteem of a confused
14-year-old regular to a phone-in suicide help line. Like so many
women today do, she's started to blame her weight, and diets and
exercises vigorously.
With maturity and reassurance I'm
sure the mess will be sorted out. In the meantime, however, how
should I deal with the disparaging comments she is constantly making
about herself? I realize this sounds horrible, but I've really attempted
to deal with this the first million times, and the million-and-oneth
"I'm so fat!" or "But I'm just ugly!" is going
to drive me insane. I've taken to snapping back at her or shutting
up, creating awful, awkward silences before she too-brightly changes
the subject. All of this is immeasurably painful, as she refuses
to be convinced and I'm utterly sick of trying. Honestly, what can
I do here?
Thanks,
Bestest Friend
Dear Bestest Friend,
We think you should deal with this
Very Plainly. Yes, it's annoying when people do that—most
of the time they're just Fishing For Compliments. However, we're
afraid that if she does this All the Time, and has embarked on a
Diet and Exercise Regime, she might be heading into the Eating Disorder
Zone... so as her Best Friend, you probably should say something
Rather Direct to her. Next time she says something like, "Arrrgh,
I look so fat," look her in the eye and say, "Trixie,
dear, you say things like that All the Time, and you really, truly
need to Stop It. I've told you a million times that you look great.
Frankly, it worries me that you seem to have such a low opinion
of yourself... have you considered talking to anyone about this?
Anyone who looks at you sees a healthy, beautiful girl, and if you
can't see that yourself, something has to be Seriously Wrong Here."
Now, obviously don't accuse her of Having an Eating Disorder
or anything (that would be Terribly Presumptuous); just make sure
you get the point across that maybe she hasn't realized it, but
she is continually asking for Reassurance about Her Appearance and
that it's Not Normal to Do So. Another tip: Make sure you do this
In Private (this is Delicate Territory).
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
For this past summer, I have found
myself in the unfortunate financial situation of being a College
Freshman, whom everyone expects should be able to find a wildly
successful internship at a smashing publishing company, as said
Freshman is intelligent and has credentials, yet the Horrendous
Situation of the Economy has forced me into Babysitting as a Summertime
Endeavor. It has also given me serious pause in the consideration
of Having a Family of My Own, as I cannot bear to see one more four-year-old
Terror. The main problem I am having, however, is not with the children,
but with the mother.
At the start of July, I was approached
by the daughter of one of my mother's acquaintances (I am not Terribly
Attached to this family; it's not as if they were my neighbors or
an old teacher of mine) to watch her son on Monday mornings and
All Day Fridays. As I am a Student of Very Little Income, I agreed
to these horrific hours, at a fee of $10/hr. This is what I have
been paid for babysitting since I was 12, and I have never run into
a problem with payment in the past seven years, so I thought everything
was fine. However, after my first week, when I logged twelve hours,
I received an envelope containing only $100. I didn't know what
to do, so I just took it and kept my mouth shut. After all, it was
only a difference of $20. However, due to scheduling changes (which
were sprung upon me at the last minute and which I did not appreciate)
over the next two weeks I only babysat for this family for 14 hours
(also, on the two Mondays the mother came home progressively later
and later, stretching an 11:30 pick-up time to 12:30 without prior
notification, which I did also Not Appreciate), and was paid, late,
with, again, a mere $100.
Now, I am a Good Babysitter. We
go to the Pool, the Library and the Park, we don't just Watch Television
All Day Long, although that is becoming a Very Real Possibility.
And her Child is not the little Angel he was touted up to be (although
this is beside the point). Is there any polite way to inquire about
the payment discrepancies? Or inform her that I don't appreciate
the way her child is habitually picked up late? I agreed to leave
these days Free, so I can't claim a Prior Engagement to Which I
Really Must Dash, but if I'm not going to be compensated for, or
at least informed of, these alterations, I don't feel particularly
beholden. Also, these people are not Good Family Friends, and I
am going Off to School at the end of August, so I feel little responsibility,
but I just don't know what to do.
Sincerely,
Befuddled Babysitter
Dear Befuddled Babysitter,
First, Dear Reader, this is a Business
Relationship. You have a right to Be Paid for the Hours That You
Work, and you shouldn't hesitate to point out that you Haven't Been
Paid What You Are Owed. We think you should mention that you have
only been paid $200 so far for 26 hours of work, and that you just
wanted to remind Your Employer so she could include the additional
$60 in your paycheck for Next Week. She should be Horribly Embarrassed
and include it. If she says something like, "But I thought
we agreed to $100 per week!" then you should say that no, that
was not Your Understanding, and that your rates are $10/hour. (By
the way, Dear Reader, we think you ought to consider Giving Yourself
a Raise. If you were earning $10/hour seven years ago, you should
be making more than that now! You've got seven years' worth of Experience
now, and you should be Compensated Accordingly! But We Digress.)
In the future, we think it would be Smart to give Weekly Invoices
to anyone employing you on a Regular Basis. Note the exact hours
you worked, and figure out the money you should be paid, then present
this to Your Client. That should eliminate any Potential Misunderstandings.
Also, you might want to consider Charging Overtime when you end
up watching Someone's Little Angels longer than you'd expected.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
I absolutely love your books and
your website and was hoping you could give me a bit of advice. I
am about to move to a new city to begin graduate school and have
a concern. You see, I have some allergies to some rather ubiquitous
foods (real allergies, of the throat swelling shut variety, not
intolerances or mere pickiness) and therefore try to avoid eating
in restaurants. But upon moving, I will inevitably meet lots of
new people who will possibly wish me to go out with them. How do
I handle this situation? I don't necessarily want the first thing
someone learns about me to be that I have health problems, but at
the same time, I don't want to be perpetually turning down invitations,
else life will be terribly dull. And if I go out to a restaurant,
how shall I interrogate the waiter without bringing too much attention
to myself? And finally (sorry, I know this is beaucoup de questions)
how might I handle an invitation to dine at someone's home? I can't
very well say, "sure, but you can't cook anything with these
ingredients ... (long list ensues)." I very much value your
advice in this matter!
Yours,
Moving Jitters
Dear Moving Jitters,
We understand completely that you
don't want to be known as "That Girl with the Wheat Allergy,"
but we agree, you probably are going to have to disclose this information
to New Acquaintances. You might be able to postpone this by becoming
a Terrific Hostess Yourself, and having people dine Chez Toi—then
you can control the ingredients in what you serve, and there needn't
be Any Discussion about it. Alternatively, if you have plans to
go to a Particular Restaurant some evening, you can always Call
Earlier, explain Your Allergies, and ask as many Detailed Questions
about ingredients as you need to. But if the plans are Spur-of-the-Moment,
you should go ahead and ask the Waiter (as subtly as you can), and,
if you think anyone may have noticed, you can say, "Oh, I'm
sorry about that... I have a few Annoying, But Serious Food Allergies
that I have to be really careful about. So I always need to Interrogate
the Poor Waiter. Anyway, back to [what you were talking about],
which is much more interesting..." Honestly, Dear Reader, it
probably wouldn't be bad to have acquaintances witness something
like this so they'll know you have Allergies.
We also think you should make Your
Allergies Known to anyone who invites you to Dinner at Her Home.
Might it inconvenience the Hostess? Well, it might be a Bit
More Work, but honestly, if we invite someone to A Party, we genuinely
want them to Come and Have a Good Time, and if that means a little
Special Planning, well, that just becomes part of the deal. Say
something like, "Suzy, thank you so much for inviting me to
Your Dinner Party! I'd love to come, but just wanted to chat with
you before accepting-- I'm not sure if you know this, but I have
some really serious Food Allergies. It's not something I talk about
much, but unfortunately, it does make it Rather Awkward for me at
Dinner Parties!" At this point, Suzy will probably say something
like, "Oh, thank you for telling me! I was thinking of making
Vegetable Lasagna and a Big Salad... I'll be sure to double-check
the ingredients on everything. Can you tell me exactly what you
can't eat?" And then, Dear Reader, you should be Fine. You
can give her the Long List; or, feel free to say something like,
"You know, if the salad doesn't have Nuts in it, or any kind
of Peanut Oil, I'll be fine with that, and you needn't go to any
special trouble." If, however, Suzy has specifically invited
you over for something You Know You Can't Eat (i.e., "Suzy's
Annual Peanut Butter Cookie Party"), you could either decline
the invitation or accept but explain that sadly, you'll have to
Pass Up the Famous Peanut Butter Cookies due to Your Allergies,
but you would love to be there nonetheless.
Finally, as we recall, Grad School
was All About Pot-Lucks. (And, well, being Generally Overworked,
discussing Important Things like Angst-Ridden British Music of the
Mid-1980's, and continually debating Whose Undergrad Students Were
the Most Atrocious... but there were also Plenty of Pot-Lucks.)
If that's the case, that's perfect! Just bring something (or even
a few dishes) that you can Fill Up On, and you can enjoy the evening
with Everyone Else.
Best of luck in Your Studies, Dear
Reader!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Would it be inappropriate to give
a friend one of your etiquette books like MTYNTBT
as a gift? I really enjoyed your book, and I just thought one of
my friends might enjoy one too.
V.M.
Dear V.M.,
Of course not! Aww, we're so flattered
that you'd like to share One of Our Books with a Friend! We'd recommend
writing something in it like, "For Lauren, the most polite
person I know—thought you'd enjoy this!" and we'd make
sure not to leave a Bookmark at a Particular Page, or Highlight
Anything, etc., but we think it would be Absolutely Fine. We've
heard from lots of readers who've given TYNTBT
and MTYNTBT
as gifts, and it's always worked out well for them!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
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