The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: December
2003
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My younger sister is an extremely high-achieving
high-school student who is currently in the midst of the University
Application Process. My question refers to Thank-You Notes.
As part of one particular application she needed
to supply letters of recommendation from people who work in the
communications industry. She contacted an ex-girlfriend of mine
who is a columnist for a major Sydney newspaper, who was only to
happy to write a glowing recommendation.
I am very grateful that me ex took the time to
write. Obviously my sister will be sending a Thank-You Note, but
is it appropriate for me to do so as well? What time line would
you suggest? And how do I phrase the note without it sounding like
I'm attempting to win her heart?
Thanking you in advance,
D.
Dear D.,
There's no harm in your sending a Brief Note
to your Ex-Girlfriend. But keep it very Short and Sweet: "Dear
Harriet, My sister just told me that you'd taken the time to write
a letter of recommendation for her—I just wanted to say thank
you. She's really putting everything she's got into these applications,
and I know your helping her out meant a lot to her. Hope all is
going well for you. Thanks again, and best wishes, D." You
can send the note anytime, we think; no need to wait to do it.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My roommate and I are invited to a friend's wedding
at the end of the month. My roommate will be a bridesmaid in the
wedding. We were discussing the wedding today and she asked if I
thought it would offend the bride if she brought flip-flops to wear
at the reception, since the heels she'll be wearing are quite high.
I replied that regardless of the bride's feelings, it seems tacky
to wear flip-flops at a wedding reception, especially if you're
in the bridal party. She told me that she has heard of plenty of
bridal parties changing into flip-flops and that some brides even
give their bridesmaids cute flip-flops to wear at the reception.
I know the Grrls' stance on flip-flops, but have you ever heard
of this?
Flipping Out
Dear Flipping Out,
Sadly, we have heard of this. And it's not just
Brides letting Bridesmaids wear Flip-Flops—it's Brides
Themselves. LOOK
at these things! We can just imagine Brides wearing these down
the aisle: "Here comes the bride, flip flop flipflop…"
However, we're not sure what's worse, the flip-flops or the "Savvy
Bridal Sneaks." Ooh, my, yes, the first thing that springs
to our minds is, "Aren't those glued-on faux seed pearls and
little roses SAVVY?" And don't even get us started on the
thong that says "I do." ("Shoot, what am I supposed
to say? Hang on a minute, Reverend, I have it written down somewhere...
be right back!") Really, if you get some well-made, comfortable
shoes, and you break them in by wearing them around the house for
a few evenings before the wedding, your feet will be Absolutely
Fine, and you won't need to venture into Fashion Faux Pas Land.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I just got a mass e-mail from an ex-boyfriend
who I haven't spoken to in nearly a year. The contents of the e-mail
were to update all those in his e-mail address book as to a change
in his e-mail address. I'm sure he had forgotten that I was included
and needs to remove me from the list, but how do I tactfully request
that he eliminate me from further e-mails of the sort? I have nothing
against him and am sure there is no reason for us to think we will
need to communicate in the future. We live in different cities and
have very clearly moved on, however this one link still connects
us (out of the blue mostly), and I would like to politely make sure
he doesn't pop up in my inbox from time to time.
Thanks,
J.
Dear J.,
Why not just Block Him? Most e-mail programs
have a feature that lets you send messages from Spammers, or just
People You Don't Want to Hear From, directly into the Deleted Items
folder. That would really be much simpler than contacting him just
to say, "Please don't e-mail me anymore."
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My question deals with the Christmas season and
gift-giving. I have just recently started to see a wonderful guy,
and unfortunately I'm faced with quite a quandary, to give or not
to give. What is the appropriate way to handle this situation? Do
I give this great guy a gift for Christmas, or is this relationship
"too new"? I think it would be a nice gesture to pick
up something small, but meaningful. However, I don't want him to
be in a compromising situation if he didn't get me anything.
Any advice and/or suggestions would be appreciated!
Thanks!
A.
Dear A.,
A small gift would be fine, we think. A book
you think he'd enjoy would be great. A hand-knitted sweater emblazoned
with "My Girlfriend Loves Me!!!"—not so much. We'd
also recommend giving him the gift In Private, so if he doesn't
have anything for you, you won't have to deal with a Potentially
Awkward Situation in front of Everyone You Know. Just make sure
you say something like, "This is just a Little Something…
I just happened to see it in the bookshop near my apartment and
thought you'd like it." If he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I
didn't get anything for you," you've got to be able to say,
"Don't worry about that in the slightest—just enjoy the
book!" without looking Hurt or Disappointed. If you're not
sure you can Pull This Off, you might want to send the gift to him
rather than delivering it In Person.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My mother-in-law is arriving at our house on
Christmas Day with my sister-in-law, and we are glad to include
them in our holiday plans. As a vegetarian household, we serve a
festive pasta dish for our Christmas dinner. My mother-in-law does
not feel that it is a Christmas dinner without meat. She has offered
to take us to a restaurant for dinner, but since there are none
nearby, I do wish to spend my evening entertaining my very young
children while they are at a formal meal, and her first choice in
restaurants would leave me with a baked potato, I really do not
wish to take her up on her offer. Her compromise solution would
be for her and her daughter to leave our home, find dinner for themselves,
and return later in the evening. This feels inappropriate to me
as well.
I feel that when you are a guest in someone's
home, you should make yourself amenable to their customs. I also
feel that if I am offering the best food I can cook, that is enough.
My mother-in-law feels that I should serve meat if I have meat eaters
as guests. My sister-in-law feels that I should respect her mother's
wishes as the matriarch of the family and that I am on a power trip.
I think it the real issue is that she really wants us to be at her
house for Christmas dinner following her traditions, and we have
refused to do so for the 10 years my husband and I have been married.
We live several hundred miles away, and wanted to create family
traditions for our children that did not involve being away from
home this time of year. We do visit the weekend before Christmas.
My husband is mediating the disagreement (this
is not the first time it has come up, I should add), and fully agrees
with me. But additional support would be welcome, if you agree with
me. Thank you for your consideration,
Sincerely,
A Vexed Vegetarian
Dear Vexed Vegetarian,
If you're the Hostess, you get to decide What
to Serve. Period. It is NEVER proper for a Guest to offer Editorial
Comment on a Hostess's Menu, and it is especially rude for her to
do so In Advance of the Event Itself! You could decide to serve
Pancakes for Christmas Dinner and, while most people would consider
that Rather Eccentric, a truly polite Guest would act as if it were
the most Common Thing in the World and say absolutely nothing Critical.
And, by the same token, if a Vegetarian found herself at the home
of a Carnivore, and were confronted avec a Roast Turkey, she'd busy
herself with the Side Dishes and not make a Big Deal out of the
fact that she doesn't eat the Main Course.
Furthermore, accepting your invitation to come
to Your Home for Christmas means, in our book, actually eating Christmas
Dinner with you. It would be The Height of Rudeness (THOR) for them
to come to your home, leave to dine somewhere else, then return,
when the main family celebration you have invited them to participate
in is, in fact, Christmas Dinner.
Very sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Last week my mom called (long distance) to tell
me that one of her friends had lost some weight, and that mom would
like to send me some of her (now too big) clothes. Luckily, I have
also lost weight recently, and was able to say, "Thanks, but
they wouldn't fit me."
This is not the first time my mom has done this,
and usually she doesn't ask before sending stuff. Is there some
polite way to tell mom that (1) If I want used clothes I can go
to the thrift store, and (2) at 40, I'm not really interested in
random hand-me-downs from 65-70 year old friends?
Thanks for your consideration,
H.
Dear H.,
First, "So-and-so lost weight, so she can't
wear this anymore, but it would fit YOU" is the most Horrible
Way Imaginable of offering someone a hand-me-down! Dear Reader,
you have Our Sympathy! As for what to tell Your Mother, well, what
about saying that your New Year's Resolution is to Pare Down Your
Wardrobe, and that you'd appreciate if she stopped sending hand-me-downs
to you? You appreciate the thought, but you really don't have Endless
Closet Space, and you're sure the clothes could be given, via a
charity, to someone in Your Mother's Hometown who could use them
far more than you. If she still sends you stuff, well, you have
to decide how much it's worth to you to keep reminding her not to
do it. We'd recommend being straight with her: "Mom, I really
meant it when I asked you not to send me used clothing. I don't
need anything else, and I've actually ended up having to donate
a lot of it to charity. Please don't go to the trouble of mailing
that stuff to me." But if this will Go Unheeded, no matter
how often you say it, or cause Your Mother to Never Speak to You
Again, well, then we'd probably just Cut Our Losses and take the
boxes straight to Goodwill as they arrive at your door.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My question is regarding college etiquette. A
friend of mine recently had surgery, and I (along with another girl)
bought her a present that we stored in our dorm's kitchen. When
I went to deliver the gift, I found that the gift was half gone,
and the remaining half in a ruined state. Needless to say, I was
rather upset.
What would the EGs do in this situation? Is there
anything to be done, or should I just accept that this is THOR and
move on? I know how helpful you can be, so any suggestions would
be appreciated!
Sincerely,
College Freshman
Dear College Freshman,
Oh no, Dear Reader, you've just hit upon an Annoying
Fact of College Life: Dorm Kitchens are Dens of Thievery. First,
we'd try to avoid leaving ANYTHING in the Kitchen that you wouldn't
mind Losing. Even if your stuff is clearly labeled with Your Name,
there is always going to be the chance that someone will decide
to use it or eat it. So if it's Your Lucky Coffee Mug, or some Extra-Special
Treats from Home, you'd be better off keeping it in Your Room. Now
please understand, we think that in an Ideal World, you should of
course be able to leave anything in the kitchen. However,
we've been to College, and one of the things we learned is that
it's just a reality that If You Leave It in the Kitchen, It Is Most
Likely Going to Be Eaten or Used by Someone Other Than You, If It
Is Not Pilfered Entirely.
One thing to remember, though: It's not always
Drunk Frat Boys Raiding the Fridge. Sometimes, quite sadly, it's
Someone Who Has an Eating Disorder. Yes, it's still unfair that
Your Gift was Ruined, but we don't think taping up a note like,
"Hey, whoever ate half of the Basket of Goodies I left in here
last Friday (even though it was clearly labeled with my name), THANKS
A LOT. You wrecked a present I was going to give to an ill friend.
I hope you Rot In Hell, you Jerk!" would be the best thing
to do at this point. Speak to Your R.A., or to a Dorm Parent. They
should probably be made aware that this happened, because there
could be a pattern of things like this going on that would indicate
someone in the Dorm might need to Get Some Help.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
With Thanksgiving having kicked off the Holiday
Season, I find myself once again facing a certain dilemma: the holiday
/ Christmas / New Year's party. Due to an assortment of personal
reasons, I do not drink alcohol, though I have no problems with
others doing so. My close friends understand and don't press the
issue (actually, most of them find it rather convenient, because
they know I'll either play designated driver or otherwise make sure
that they get home safely). Unfortunately, others do not. How does
one politely make clear one's intention to refuse a drink without
making a scene when "No, thank you" has been met with,
"It's just one _______, geez... have some!"?
I wouldn't ask, except that I am running out
of ideas. I have no wish to drag my personal history out in the
open, and I have tried asking for water or a soda instead. The latter
resulted in my leaving the room to regain control of my temper because
the *ahem* person returned with a beer and tried to insist I drink
it (instead of quietly passing it off to a friend, as I attempted
to do). Any suggestions would be gratefully welcomed!
Many thanks!
L.
Dear L.,
We think it is Unforgivably Rude to bring a Beer
to someone who has said, "No, thank you," to an offer
of an Alcoholic Beverage! What the HELL is this idiot thinking!
People who aren't drinking have Good Reasons for doing so, and it's
not funny to act as if they're Just Kidding. This makes us so angry!
In general, if someone says, "Could I get
you a drink?" you should be able to say, "Thanks—club
soda and cranberry juice would be great" without having to
say, explicitly, that you're not drinking alcohol. If someone says,
"Sure you don't want anything stronger?" then just say,
"Yes, I'm sure—thanks!" You can add, "I don't
drink," or "I'm not drinking tonight," if you want,
but you really don't have to, since it's not Anybody's Business.
Dear Reader, if some fool does bring you a drink
after you've already declined one, or expressed a preference for
something non-alcoholic, don't be afraid to say something like,
"Sorry, but I'm not going to take that; I thought I mentioned
that I just wanted club soda and cranberry juice / am not drinking
tonight / do not drink." You don't need to give any more detail,
or accept the drink at all.
The Nerve of Some People! The EGs think you are
to be commended, Dear Reader, for not pouring Said Beer over the
idiot's head. That would, of course, be Quite Rude, but boy, would
it be Tempting.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
I hope you are enjoying a lovely holiday season!
My question is a simple one, but I could not find the answer in
the archives.
Is it appropriate or expected to send thank-you
cards for holiday gifts? I typically send to everyone who gives
a gift to me or my son, whether I open the gift in the giver's presence
or not. I sometimes think I am overdoing it, because I have yet
to receive a thank-you for any holiday gift-giving I do. Am I going
overboard, EGs, or doing the right thing?
Happy Holidays to you and yours!
Over-Thankful(?)
Dear Over-Thankful,
Of course you're not Overdoing It! The EGs have
always firmly believed that if you receive a gift, you should send
a thank-you note. And that's true no matter what the occasion, or
whether or not you open the gift in the giver's presence. It's lovely
if you're able to thank the giver in person, but the thank-you note
should go out promptly anyway. We think it's Just Awful that you've
never received a Proper Thank-You Note for any Holiday Presents!
That would tempt us to start giving out copies of MTYNTBT,
with a bookmark at page 165 (section title: Just a Reminder: You
Get a Gift, You Write a Damn Thank-You Note).
As an aside, Dear Reader, we're assuming your
son is Quite Small, or he'd be writing his own Thank-You Notes (with
a Mother who's as proper as you, we're sure he will grow up knowing
how to write Beautiful Thank-You Notes), but we felt the need to
point out that if Children Can Write, they should be Taking Pen
to Paper Themselves… it's not Their Mother's Job to do it
for them. We wouldn't want our Dear Readers thinking they should
be writing Thank-You Notes for their children!
Happy Holidays to you, too!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have a minor dilemma. Not a serious one, really,
I’m just a little bit concerned I may have a very tacky accessory,
and I’d like to know what the lovely and brilliant Etiquette
Grrls think. It’s getting close to finals period, and being
a senior in college I have many, many papers to write and exams
to study for, and since I live a bit of distance from campus, I’ll
often pack my rolling backpack with my laptop and several books/notebooks.
This way, I can study between classes, without hurting my back from
the lifting and the carrying of so many big books, and I don’t
have to waste 20 minutes walking back to my apartment to switch
books, when I could just sit in the hallway and work. I opt for
the rolling backpack because I generally dislike big bulky multi
colored backpacks with a thousand pockets and random bungee cord
straps–I’m walking around Washington, D.C., not hiking
in the Rocky Mountains, and I don’t really need a bungee strap
to hold anything, so it seems my small plain black rolling backpack
shouldn’t be a problem.
But now I’ve heard that rolling backpacks
are passé and perhaps even a wee bit tacky. I’ve only
had one person ever make a comment within ear shot, actually a woman
pushing an SUV-style stroller with a baby that looked smaller than
my disease pathology text said rather loudly to her companion that
students were so melodramatic about the weight of their bags. I
resisted the urge to point out that my bag weighed more than her
child, and no one gave her grief about pushing a baby around, with
a cup holder for her latte, no less – I thought it would be
rude and I wouldn’t want to be rude to a complete stranger
in the middle of the street. I wouldn’t want to be rude to
anyone, but I digress. I’m always very careful to avoid people’s
feet with the little wheels, and I always pick it up when I’m
going up or down stairs to avoid the loud clunking, and I try to
be very aware of the space around me that it takes up, so that I
don’t impinge upon anyone else’s personal walking space
. But I’m curious if these bags are now considered tacky.
They’re very nice for the times like now, when I have lots
of work to do in a relatively short time period of time, and I want
to use that free time I have between classes, and I don’t
really want to develop low back pain in the process (university
life has brought on enough ailments in the past three and a half
years, I don’t need anymore!). Should I investigate alternate
means to carry my projects?
Thanks much,
Student in DC
Dear Student,
Students are getting melodramatic about the weight
of their books?? Oh, yeah, it would be MUCH better for everyone
to carry their books in Giant Backpacks and develop Back Problems!
In our opinion, it is far better to have a Small, Plain Rolling
Backpack than to walk around a city looking as if you've Strayed
From the Hiking Trail, or to Throw Out Your Back. As long as you're
careful not to run over Anyone Else's Feet, and you try to minimize
the space it takes up on buses, trains, etc., by tucking it under
your seat or placing it on the luggage rack, you're not being rude
to anyone by using a Rolling Backpack! And we don't think a rolling
bag for books is Necessarily Tacky. We're sure you could
find a Tacky Rolling Bag in pretty short order (sadly, it's rather
easy to find Tacky Things), but a Small, Plain, Black One like the
one you described sounds fine. It'll probably never be a Fashion
Statement, but that's okay—it's functional! Keep using it,
and don't give it a Second Thought.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am a college undergraduate taking a large lecture
class where we have de-facto assigned seats (if the teacher does
not spot us when she looks to our normal spot we are marked absent).
I sit behind another student who has what I feel to be a dreadful
habit. At one or more points during the lecture, he begins to systematically
crack what seems to be every joint in each of his hands. He then
swivels completely around in his chair, sometimes meeting my glare
with a look of glazed equine vacancy, and restarts the process on
his neck and entire spine. I am a reasonable person, and have no
qualms with a perfectly natural knuckle pop once in a while; God
knows I have my share, but isn’t this over the line?
Sincerely,
Popping off the Handle
Dear Popping,
Ack! Your letter has made the EGs Queasy! We
really hate noisy joint-cracking in public! Now, we're
not talking about the odd Accidental Joint Pop that happens to everyone
on occasion—we're talking about the people who fancy themselves
Amateur Chiropractors and can't sit still for an hour without making
disgusting cracking noises. That sound is right up there with Nails
on a Blackboard! If, for some reason, you really have a physical
NEED to crack something because it's painful if you don't and your
doctor said it's okay for you to crack it, you should not subject
Other People to the sound. Excuse yourself, and do your cracking
in private.
Anyway, Dear Reader, we feel terrible for you!
Unfortunately, you've only got two choices: Confront the Crack Addict
("I'm sorry, but would you mind not doing that during class?
It's kind of loud and distracting"), or change your seat and
make sure the Professor knows about it. You said they're de-facto
assigned seats—we think that means you probably should be
okay just stopping by the prof's office and saying, "Just wanted
to let you know, I'm going to move up to the front row next week.
I wanted to change seats to be a little more comfortable."
That's in no way a lie… she'll probably be fine with it, as
long as she knows where you are.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I was talking to a friend at work and he was
telling me that an old work friend had called the shop where we
work asking for another ex-worker's phone number. I immediately
broke in with, "You didn't give his number out, did you?"
He responded with, "Well, I didn't have
the number with me but I went home for the number and tried to call
him to give the number, but I have not reached him yet." I
then said good, don't give it to him. He thought I was being really
crazy for being so protective of another friend's privacy.
This guy really has no idea why not to give out
phone numbers, but if he gave out my number I would have been pretty
mad.
My rule of thumb when I'm put in a position like
my friend is to get the first party's number and call party number
two, and have party two call the first party. What is your advice?
Sincerely,
Trying to Be Polite
Dear Trying,
That's exactly what we'd do. We'd say something
like, "Oh, I don't have that right here, but if you'll leave
me your number I will pass it along to him the next time I see him."
Many people are Quite Protective of their Home or Cell Numbers,
and it's always better not to give them out unless you have Express
Permission to do so... e.g., "If Hannah ever calls, will you
please let her know I'm dying to get in touch with her? You can
give her my number."
Best regards,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear grrls:
I have a situation that I'm not sure how to handle
(or articulate very well - so please bear with me).
My Boyfriend has rented a limo to transport myself
and my two roommates to a football game. Roommate 1 just said "cool"
and asked when we'd be leaving, etc. However, Roommate 2 is indicating
that, in light of this transportation arrangement, she may invite
Other People to "come with us" to the game, and one can
reasonable presume, into the limo. Please note that neither I nor
my generous Boyfriend have been asked if inviting Other People would
be okay. I think it quite rude and presumptuous for Roommate 2 to
invite Other People when it was My Boyfriend who made the arrangements.
Am I overreacting? Is there a non-confrontational way to inform
Roommate 2 that they basically have no business inviting Other People
to share the limo ride?
Sincerely,
Irritated
Dear Irritated,
Nope, you're not overreacting. It's not polite
to bring Extra People to a party you've been invited to, and this
is the Same Sort of Thing. Now, you obviously can't stop Other People
from Attending the Game—if Your Roommates have friends who
would also like to go, they could certainly buy their own tickets
and see you there. But the Limo Ride is definitely not something
that should be open to All and Sundry without the Host's Permission!
If you want a rather Passive Way of making your point, you could
start saying things like, "The four of us will have such a
Great Time taking the Limo to the Game!" But we'd recommend
being More Direct, which you can do without being Rude. "Oh,
Nancy, I just wanted to mention—Henry wanted the limo to be
a treat just for the four of us. If James and Elizabeth are going
to be at the game too, that's great, but we'll meet them there."
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
We received an invitation to arrive at 10:30
P.M. on New Year's Eve for drinks and desserts. The dress code said
"divine." What does "divine" mean in clothing?
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
Sorry, but We Haven't the Foggiest. Perhaps you
should dress as Your Favorite Deity?
Please, everyone, enough with the Made-Up Dress
Code Designations! They just confuse everybody!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I'm not sure, but I may have a rude neighbor. He held a Thanksgiving
party this weekend, complete with turkey and a variety of other
food, so that friends who had spent the holiday with their families
could see one another. I just received this e-mail (names removed
to protect all parties):
Our
invitees this year fell into three groups.
I: People who came. Thank you! It was good to see you all.
II: People who sent their regrets. Sorry you couldn't make it;
we'll hope to see you soon.
III: People who said they'd come, then didn't show.
If you fall into group III, I have a request: please don't do
this. Consider that we bought and prepared food *for you* on the
assumption that you were coming. Should we hold any more events
like this, PLEASE let us know if you have to cancel. In fact,
if at all possible, please let us know a day in advance, so that
we can adjust our shopping.
Thanks,
**
I did not leave off the salutation;
there simply wasn't one (an issue in itself). The e-mail was sent
to a long list of people, presumably to all the invitees of the
party. Having played the hostess often myself, I understand the
frustration with guests who don't R.S.V.P., who say they will come
and don't, who say they won't come and do, who bring extra guests,
etc. However, does such behavior give the host the right to scold
his guests (or non-guests)? I could perhaps see speaking with repeat
offenders privately, or no longer inviting them to your parties,
but to send a mass e-mail, and not even make use of the blind carbon
copy function, to boot? To his credit, he did not say who fell into
which group, but that doesn't help much. Even though I know I'm
not in the wrong here, I feel like a guilty child. I can think of
so many better ways he could have handled this situation, but I
would love to know what you, my most trusted source of etiquette,
think. Please tell me if this e-mail was acceptable.
Thanks,
Scolded
Dear Scolded,
You do have a Rude Neighbor. Sending a mass e-mail
like this is most unacceptable! It's always Rude to give someone
a Dressing-Down in front of Other People, which is what this amounts
to. We completely understand why the host is angry, but if he wanted
to confront the people who Did Not R.S.V.P., he should have done
it Privately.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I recently attended a family Thanksgiving gathering
that lasted six days. Four generations and eight states were represented.
There were 23 people at the Thanksgiving table. My mother-in-law,
who is in her eighties, wanted to present all the adult women in
the family with earrings she made herself. The gifts were lovely
but her presentation of them was flawed by factors beyond her control.
Some of the recipients may have never known that Grandma gave them
anything at all.
There were children at the gathering who have
never been taught to respect their elders. Grandma offered her gift
to one of the daughters-in-law. Both women and the husband of the
recipient were sitting on a very nice leather sofa. It was a pretty
picture. Unfortunately, a three-year-old boy and an almost-five-year-old
girl decided that that sofa was the place they had to bounce for
as long as they wanted. The parents of these children had a strange
way of exerting "control." They said to their children,
"If you say 'please,' Mommy and Daddy will sit on the floor
and you can jump on the couch as long as you want." The kids
said a grudging "please" and the parents fell down like
a house of cards laughing all the way.
In other circumstances that might be quaint or
amusing but it was neither when the children who "must"
bounce caused Grandma to sit on the floor while she was trying to
present a handmade gift to the mother of the bouncers. The presentation
should have been a lovely moment but it wasn't. It's hard to present
a gift when little heels are hitting you in the head and the recipient
is so absorbed in the magnificence of her children's bouncing that
she can't see the beauty of a gift from a woman of one generation
to a woman of another.
Most of Grandma's other presentations were brushed
off in the same way. I felt bad for her. She did the best she could
to make presents, and her presents were very lovely. After dinner
I found the earrings scattered all over the living room. I gathered
them up and put a sign on them, "Here are the earrings."
Nobody seemed to notice. They were gifts given from the heart, but
few could be bothered to even look at them. What can you do in a
case like that?
Quite Peeved
Dear Quite Peeved,
"If you say 'please,' Mommy and Daddy
will sit on the floor and you can jump on the couch as long as you
want"??!? Hmmph. We've got to write that one down for
our running list of "Things It Is a Pretty Safe Bet You Will
Never Hear the EGs Say."
Anyway, we feel terrible for Your Mother-in-Law.
We think you did the right thing in gathering up the earrings lest
they be Crushed Underfoot. We might have attempted to do something
like Make an Announcement to the group that Grandma had made special
earrings for the women in the family and was about to begin going
around to present them, so it would be great if she could have everyone's
attention for a few minutes, but if things were Truly Chaotic, even
this might not have worked. Or, perhaps, someone might have noticed
the children were getting in the way and offered to take them somewhere
else for a Game of Some Sort. (However, if the recipients are ungrateful
people, they would probably be inattentive even if the scene was
comprised only of Adults.) However, we still might have attempted
to say something to each woman as they left, such as, "Wasn't
that KIND of Grandma to make everyone earrings? It seems that got
lost in the shuffle somehow, with all the kids running around…
I think we should all do something so she knows we appreciated her
effort. You have your pair, right?" At this point, though,
we'd concentrate on making Grandma aware that you, at least, appreciated
her gift, by writing her an extra-lovely thank-you note.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My boyfriend and I are seriously discussing marriage.
I moved to my current city of residence about five years ago and
I plan on staying here. My hometown and thus the rest of my family
live about 3-4 hours away. My boyfriend was born and raised in this
area. Our problem is that we don't know where to hold a reception.
Is it proper to have the reception in the city where the bride is
from? Is it in bad taste for us to have a reception here and another
in my hometown at a later date? Being from a smaller town, I know
that the price for a reception hall will be significantly less than
in the bigger city I live in. Plus I would also have the help of
several aunts who would be grateful to help with food preparation
and manning the food table at a reception. Any suggestions you have
for handling this situation would be greatly appreciated!!
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
It's Your Wedding, and you're allowed to have
it Wherever You Want, whether that's in Your Hometown, Your Fiancé's
Hometown, or on a Remote Island in the Caribbean! The only thing
you're NOT allowed to do regarding the location where the wedding
takes place is to make Guests feel they are Expected to Attend if
getting there would be difficult for them. For example, it would
be Way Out of Line to throw a Hissy Fit because your friend can't
take time off from work in order to make the trip to the Remote
Caribbean Island, as it would involve three plane changes and a
six-hour layover in Miami. Actually, it's traditional to
hold the Wedding in the Bride's Hometown, so we doubt many people
would be surprised if you chose to have it there. Of course, if
there are particular people you'd really, really like to attend,
and having it there would present a problem for them, you will need
to keep this in mind, and since we don't know your situation, you'll
need to weigh all the factors yourself. Perhaps your fiancé
has a favorite Great-Aunt who doesn't drive and would find it difficult
to make it to the city where you're having Your Wedding, even though
it may only be a few hours away. If that's the case, perhaps you
can try to arrange transportation and/or lodging for her. Or, if
he has a lot of relatives who will be making the Same Trip, you
could even look into renting some sort of Bus (you know, a Nice
One that people would feel comfortable riding in whilst All Dressed
Up, not a Gross School Bus)—we don't know how expensive that
might be, but it would be an option if it's important for you to
make it easy for His Relatives to get there. As for having two receptions,
well, we're not really keen on those, since it usually looks as
if the Bride and Groom are Fishing for Presents. If his parents
wanted to have a small-scale get-together in his hometown
after Your Wedding, where you would just get a chance to spend time
with members of his family who couldn't make it, that would be fine,
but it should be more like, "We're having a wee cocktail party
in January because Lily and Henry will be in town," rather
than, "This is Lily and Henry's Reception 2.0, complete with
dancing, formal attire, and a Giant Wedding Cake."
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have a question of utmost importance concerning what present to
purchase (and how much to spend). I am the maid of honor in this
wedding and as such have been at the haunches of the Bride, who
has been saying things like, "If I am spending $4,000 on my
dress, you can spend $400," and telling friends of mine—not
people who are invited to the wedding, mind you—"All
I care about is getting all of my china on the registry." Now
I love my friend to death, BUT she is definitely obsessed with the
COST of things (the wedding will most likely be $100K) which is
funny because she is the CHEAPEST, RICHEST person I know. I am already
helping throw her a shower (but it's catered and expensive) with
a group of the wedding party members, I am hosting the bachelorette
weekend in NYC, I have bought the $200 dress (that I loved except
for the fact the dressmakers insisted I buy one size too big so
I have to spend $100 in alterations to bring it down an entire size,
the one I wanted to buy in the first place… don't get me started),
and I am even leaving my lovely boyfriend in our $150/night room
by himself the night before the wedding to spend the night with
her, so she isn't alone.
So I am leaving no stone unturned to be a compliant and attentive
maid of honor. However, my question is this—she constantly
tells me how she has registered at only one place that is very expensive
(and local only) and how she registered for stuff she doesn't even
want, in an effort to be able to return all of it and get all of
her china because it is $300 a place setting. (Which she could just
buy outright if she skimped on part of the $100K wedding—which
she also constantly reminds me). I normally spend about $50 for
a gift, maybe more if I am in the wedding party. Now when we were
in a friend's wedding last year, she mentioned that when I get married,
she would spend more money as I am her best friend. SO to me that
translates that she will expect that I purchase something costly
from the registry… perhaps even a $300 place setting. (They
even e-mailed all those invited to the wedding a link to the store
that they are registered at—and invitations have not even
gone out yet!)
So what price range should I be looking at for a gift? Or should
I just get her something that is more personal (which I usually
do)—that is engraved or thoughtful rather than a cup and saucer
that may never see the light of day?!
Vexed in Virginia
Dear Vexed,
First, we need to address our Dear
Readers. Okay, Dear Readers, how many of you want Vexed to give
us this Insane Bride's e-mail address so we can all give her A Piece
of Our Minds? This sort of behavior needs to be stopped!
All right, Poor, Dear Vexed, back
to Your Question. We think you need to ignore her Silly Registry
and her not-so-subtle hint about how she'd get YOU an Expensive
Present if you were getting married, and give her something that
you think is appropriate. There is never, ever a required
Price Range for Gifts, no matter what the occasion is or who the
giver and recipient are. (Everyone who is shopping for Holiday Gifts
right now needs to remember this! Never feel you've got
to match what someone spends on you!) We think something Engraved
and Thoughtful would be Just the Ticket. Heck, something Homemade
would be splendid, too. She needs a Big Reminder that her wedding
should not be All About Her Damn China, and we think you could probably
accomplish that very nicely with a personalized gift (which, tee
hee, also would just happen to be Non-Returnable) and some words
like, "I know you're expecting a lot of people to give you
Expensive Gifts, but since we're such close friends, I wanted to
get you something more Personal—I knew you'd appreciate
that so much more." Lay it on thick, Dear Reader, and smile
very sweetly.
Down with Greedy Brides,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
When did it become acceptable for "gentlemen,"
or boys as I prefer to call them, to wear ball caps or cowboy hats
inside—churches, restaurants, etc.? Thank you.
Curious
Dear Curious,
While the East Coast did get hit with a Nasty
Snowstorm this weekend, as far as we know, Hell Has Not Frozen Over,
and thus it is still not acceptable for Boys to Wear Hats Indoors.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
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