The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: July
2002
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Can you please give me a snappy reply for the
ever-annoying question: "So, when are YOU going to have a baby?"
Actually, my husband and I are hoping soon, but
I do not care to disclose my personal business with folks. So, I
usually reply with "When I plan to breed, I'll be sure to disseminate
a memo!" I just feel that this is the rudest question someone
can ask you.
Your thoughts?
Tongue-Tied
Dear Tongue-Tied,
"Approximately nine months after I
conceive, When and If I Do So."
Love,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I loved reading your book-- I found it just as
I was preparing to present information to a group of teenage girls
on social graces. These girls are so precious, but are surrounded
my daily breaches of all of your etiquette rules.
My most immediate concern is in addressing clothing
choices and shopping. Most are very poor and not able to consistently
shop at the better stores, so their wardrobes will have to consist
of staples which can be purchased a the large chain discount stores.
What advice should I give for putting together such a wardrobe.
My thought was to list some basic pieces, discuss
fit and fabric content, then encourage them that this wardrobe should
be fairly plain and neutral in color. I know, however, that they
will consider this dull and boring. Any help for this particular
question or the project as a whole would be appreciated.
(Aside: We plan to take a group of girls ages
12-18, on three outings each summer for exposure and discussion
of etiquette. Restaurants will progress from inexpensive to very
chic. We'll probably include a night at the theater.)
Karen
Dear Karen,
We think your project sounds wonderful! And we're
entirely with you on your wardrobe advice. If you've got our book,
you can tell what our take on fabrics and fit is (quality over quantity;
classic over trendy; seasonless over seasonal, etc.), so we won't
Repeat Ourselves Here. It's definitely possibly to find workable
pieces at discount stores, and we would encourage you to talk about
Vintage Clothing, too-- often one can find a Truly Timeless, Beautifully
Made, Very Wearable Outfit at a fraction of the cost of a similar
item in a Department Store. We'd also suggest discussing Accessories,
if you feel the girls might think your advice is Boring-- while
the EGs think, for example, that one should have a Winter Coat in
a Neutral Color, we wouldn't object to a Bright Pink Scarf to liven
it up! One could wisely spend one's money on a simply cut Black
Sweater, too, and pick up a few Darling Print Scarves for a few
dollars at a Vintage Shop to go with it! One of those magazines
that sends Makeup Artists to CVS in search of Bargains ought to
give the EGs a hundred bucks and watch what we could do with it...
but we digress. (If such magazines are Out There, hee hee, drop
us a note and we'll talk.)
Finally, we love the idea of discussing Etiquette
over a few nice evenings out! Good luck with everything, and let
us know how it goes!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest EGs,
I love your site, of course. It has supplied
me with both insightful tidbits (I no longer chew gum in public)
and endless amusement. Your site is much more fun to me now than
reading Letitia Baldridge's book when I was 14.
On to my question:
As a self-supported Graduate Student living in
Boston, which is a rather pricey city, I am quite often down to
double digits in my checking account. Penury aside, I still somehow
manage to purchase Nice Products for my face, hair, and body-- Kiehl's,
Fresh, Origins, Aveda, etc. I am adamant about using products that
are well-made and smell like real flowers and herbs, rather than
the putrid, ersatz floral and "fruity" scents, like the
ones found at Bath and Body Works (I hate their gingham theme, as
well). The problem: one of my roommates, a lovely and intelligent
person, has been using my products WITHOUT ASKING ME. Now, it makes
complete sense to ask a roommate if you could try her Fabulous Lemon
Sugar Body Lotion before you drop $30 on bottle yourself at a shop
on Newbury St. But not asking and using?!? Repeatedly? I'm sure
that it is happening as the levels in my bottles in the bathroom
lower, even if I haven't used a certain product for a while, and
the scent of clove shampoo is pretty distinctive, especially on
someone else's head!
Should I confront my roommate? Should I leave
a Post-It on the bathroom mirror? I wouldn't be so irritated if
I didn't know that she could Well Afford her own Nice Products.
It's not my fault she chooses Pantene and Dove (aaack!). My Products
are my one luxury (beside good cheese) and, as Ms. Summer sang,
"She works hard for her money..."
I appreciate any advice you can spare--
A Devoted Fan--
Sara
Dear Sara,
Oh, you poor, poor dear! Your roommate is not,
perhaps, a Certain Parisian that EGL had the Ill Luck to room avec
at a Summer Program, once upon a time, is she? Just wondering. Cette
Fille had a penchant for Dousing Herself with EGL's perfume (which
at that time was Colors de Benetton-- remember that, Dear Readers?)
sans asking. In English or French.
But we digress. You've got two options. First,
you could put all of Your Beauty Products in Your Bedroom, preferably
in a Closed Drawer (one that Locks, if possible). That should be
Pretty Clear. Or, you could be direct and confront Your Roommate.
Personally, we'd go for the latter. "Flora, could we have a
conversation about what products we'll share and what we'll buy
individually? I've noticed you're using my Fresh Lemon Sugar Body
Lotion, and I'd like to talk about it." Just explain to her
what you did to us-- that these products are your own little indulgence,
and since they're meant as a personal treat, you hope she'll understand
why you don't want to share them.
You're quite lucky being a Grad Student in Boston!
When the EGs were Poor, Miserable Grad Students, seeking a Slight
Indulgence to Get Us Through Another Day of Grading Insipid Comp
Essays, we didn't have a Fresh boutique in town! And better yet,
now there's a Kiehl's! JOY AND BLISS! Newbury Street is getting
better all the time...
Love,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
We work with a "girl" who has just
today announced her upcoming marriage on 8/9, the day before a long-anticipated
cruise with long-time boyfriend of five years/live-in for six months.
She also announced that she wants monetary contributions in order
for them to purchase their platinum wedding bands, as well as a
special "money tree" (made for a 20-year employee who
just retired and left on a cruise with her new fiancé) for
their cruise. This woman hardly speaks to any of us, always takes
days and days off of work-- leaving others to cover for her, and
is downright rude when approached with a friendly "good morning."
What do we do? Just not do anything? Tell her how inappropriate
her requests are in light of her behavior toward all of us??? We're
depending on you for an answer to our dilemma!!! THANKS.
Carren
Dear Carren,
WHAT?!? We've got one question: Why on earth is
this woman Still Employed in Your Office? We'd complain to The Management.
If you are The Management, Dear Reader, then you need to get out
Your Favorite Pen and fill out a Pink Slip, Stat. It's not that
she's Tacky and Rude (which in the EGs' Opinion, SHOULD be cause
for Getting Fired, but in practice, we know that'd be hard to Justify
in Court); it's that she's making Other People do Her Job. If she
wants Time Off so badly, we say give it to her! In the meantime,
just ignore her Wedding Demands. Have everyone sign a card for her,
and That's It. Or to make it Emphatically Clear that she's not Getting
Anything Else, buy her a Punch Bowl or something and make the gift
card read, "From the Entire Office."
You didn't ask, but the EGs just have to say...
we're not at all keen on Money Trees, for any occasion. We'd suggest
someone Stash It Away in Their Basement.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am going to London with my parents next month,
and would like some brief advice on what to pack for the visit.
My main problem is that I am known for overpacking, and would like
to keep it to a minimum. I was going to pack mostly basic items,
blouses, a-line skirts, khakis, loafers/flats (for walking), etc.,
but I just wanted a second opinion. I would like to avoid looking
distinctly American (no Abercrombie faux grunge). Your advice would
be much appreciated. Thank you.
C.
Dear C.,
Your packing list sounds Just Smashing! We'd
stick to Solid Colors (it's easier to mix pieces), and we'd throw
in at least one Dressy Outfit, depending upon what you'll be doing,
but we think you're off to a Good Start.
Down with Abercrombie & Fitch! The EGs have
had ENOUGH of faux grunge, or, worse, Pseudo-Preppy, Ill-Fitting,
Overly Revealing Apparel! The EGs would like to remind everyone
that it's Just a Tad Silly to buy clothing that is manufactured
to look like it's Been Through a War! If through some Unfortunate
Laundry Accident, both sleeves are ripped off Your Oxford Shirt,
and it shrinks Four Sizes, a Reasonable Person would Throw It Away!
No one should purchase clothing that is Already In Such a State!
EVER! Let's not even get started on the jeans with the "I slid
down a mountain on my Rear End" Localized Fading. Not to mention
their Children's Clothing, which really just Needs to Stop Right
Now. Just this Friday, we heard, from a Reliable Source, that they
once thought it would be a Swell Idea to sell Thongs in Girls' Sizes.
Did you hear a loud "THUNK, THUNK" around noontime? Well,
that was the sound of the EGs Keeling Over in a Dead Faint.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
We know someone that upon entering at a private
club she immediately rearranges chairs to suit her and anyone in
her party. Usually this is by getting chairs from other tables and
bringing them to our table. This also has happened at wedding receptions
and birthday parties. How can we prevent this from happening and
what is the rule on such? It seems so rude especially when people
are seated at the tables from which she takes the chairs. She does
ask them if it is okay to get the chairs and almost every time the
others will say that it is all right but that most certainly seals
their fate at being alone for the rest of the occasion. How can
we let her know that we don't approve without being downright tacky
ourselves?
Kathy
Dear Kathy,
Hee hee. We have to admit, our first ideas were
along the lines of "First, buy a Wee Bottle of Superglue...,"
but it would be Bad Form to Affix Everyone's Chairs to the Floor
just to Prove a Point. So we have been forced to consider Other
Options.
Dear Reader, this is Quite Perplexing Behavior.
We would probably take her aside at the next Wedding Reception or
Party and say, "You know, Trixie, I know that the hostess has
gone to a lot of trouble to make seating arrangements. Let's leave
the chairs where they are and mingle after dinner is finished."
If she says something Preposterous, like, "Well, I know the
Smiths would want to sit with us," you could say, "Really,
Trixie, I don't think the hostess would have bothered to make Place
Cards for everyone if she didn't want people seated in Particular
Spots. We have to honor that-- it'd be terribly rude of us not to."
If there aren't place cards, you might simply point out that it
is Rather Rude to take the chairs from the next table and leave
that One Couple Sitting All Alone.
The other solution: If seats aren't assigned,
Don't Sit With Her.
Yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Every Monday (most of them, anyway. Of course
you have more urgent things to do than post a new Q&A at the
strike of midnight Monday ONCE in a while! Shame on that rude little
woman who complained! I just thank my lucky stars you do it at all!
But I digress, wildly so)... well, most Mondays, I so enjoy reading
your Q&A. That's really all there is to say about that, Monday
being a particularly tiresome day. To summarize, you are wonderful
and all-knowing and I can't wait until the sequel comes out!
My question is a simple one. I believe you answered
a similar question with "a pot of marmalade" or something
of the sort, but there are nuances to this:
I am going to spend a week with a friend who
has a WONDERFUL summer house abroad, in a very sunny, very exclusive
Unnamed Place. Actually, as we are both 18, it would be correct
to say her PARENTS have this wonderful house, and they will be there.
It will be a house party and probably won't have much contact with
the parents more than just to be welcomed and say thank you etc.
What sort of gift can I bring? As this is only their summer home,
it can't be anything that will be a nuisance to pack. I think it
would be strange for an 18 year old to bring them marmalade or a
vase. Any suggestion that won't break the bank, but won't contend
with my red glitter flip flops to be the tackiest thing in the house?
Or should I just send a beautifully worded Thank You note afterwards?
(I'll do that either way, sans dout!!)
Sincerely,
Mathilda
Dear Mathilda,
Thank you from the Bottom of Our Hearts for understanding
that every so often, the EGs do need to Take Time Off! We've heard
from many Dear Readers who have said They Understand, and we truly,
truly appreciate it. We wish we could Bake Cookies for all of you!
But We Digress. Dear Reader, it wouldn't be strange
at all for an 18-year-old to bring a pot of marmalade or a vase
as a Hostess Gift! It might be Un Peu Etrange for a four-year-old,
but Darling, You're An Adult! You absolutely need to take some sort
of wee gift for Your Friend's Parents. What about a box of Good
Chocolates? Or a box of Guest Soaps? Neither of these is very difficult
to carry. Even if you brought a Vase or a Book or a Candle or something,
if your friends' parents own the summer house, they could certainly
leave the gift there to enjoy when they're In Residence. You could,
we suppose, send your wee gift along after you return, but we always
think it's preferable to arrive with a Hostess Gift in Hand.
You are kidding about the Red Glitter Flip-Flops,
n'est-ce pas? Just checking.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I love your site, having stumbled upon it by
accident last year during my quest for proper wedding apparel. Anyway,
I now have a dilemma and know I would much prefer your solution
to another, less-entertaining one.
I have always been a rather small woman but had
the unfortunate luck (?) to add about 50 extra pounds to my frame
over the course of about the last five years or so, much to my dismay.
I have, over the last eight months, lost this extra weight with
careful eating and exercise and am now in very good shape. I am
so thankful I was able to do it.
My question (as I am sure you have already guessed)
is this: How on earth do you reply to someone who hasn't seen you
in quite awhile and says, "Wow! You have lost a TON of weight!
How did you do it?" Can't people realize how incredibly rude
this is? I usually say, "Well, just under a TON, actually.
Thanks for noticing." More often than not, the irony is lost.
Maybe I am just really touchy, but this grates
on my nerves. Is there a response that will convey my displeasure
without being rude? Should I just get over it? Many thanks for your
advice!
A fan,
GFW
Dear GFW,
The EGs find This Sort of Comment INFURIATING!
While we understand that when one has not seen a Dear Friend in
a while, and her appearance has Changed Considerably during this
time, one will naturally be somewhat surprised at the change, we
do not understand why people can't simply Hold Their Tongues About
It. It's not only Rude, it's Tedious, because you're Stating the
Obvious! This is true whether the Change in Appearance is, in the
viewer's opinion, a Good Thing or a Bad Thing. If you must say anything
at all, for the Love of All Things Holy, leave it at, "You
look great!"
So, Dear Reader, we don't think you're being
Touchy at all. In fact, we think your response is Pretty Damn Funny--
it's too bad it goes over the heads of People In General (P.I.G.).
Sigh. It might be fun sometime to make something up, to give people
a bit of a jolt: "The food in Prison will do that to you,"
or "My Crack Habit helps." Or you might smile sweetly
and say, "Yes... but there are about a billion More Interesting
Things to Talk About in this world... excuse me, I need to replenish
My Drink."
Fondly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First let me express my Enormous Gratitude to
Your Good Selves for having the Forethought and Common Sense to
establish and maintain a Website that is So Obviously a Benefit
To Society in general - keep up the Good Work!!
Now, for my quandary. Being a Young, Energetic,
and Socially Active Woman, I am partial to spending the evening
doing one of two things, depending on my Mood - draped across the
bar of a Classy, Elegant Establishment with a Good G&T in hand,
or kicking up my heels at a Classy, Elegant Establishment Dancing
The Night Away.
However, in both situations, I continually have
men approach me and proposition me for a drink or a dance. Not just
any men, but, unfortunately, Shabbily-dressed, Lewd, Inebriated
suitors who, it seems, Want Nothing More than to (and please excuse
my crudeness here) "Cop A Feel". I knowingly do Nothing
to instigate or encourage Such Ungentlemanly Behaviour, yet no matter
How Many Times I Politely Decline their invitations, it Still Continues
to occur. I feel this is Rude, Unchivalrous, and just plain Awful,
and it does not make for an enjoyable evening, either.
I would like your Opinions on how to handle such
a Situation with Grace, Dignity and Aplomb, yet still forcefully
enough Not To Encourage Future Replication of this unwanted attention.
What would the Etiquette Grrls suggest?
With Much Appreciation,
Nicole
Dear Nicole,
First of all, Dear Reader, the EGs hear your complaints.
The same thing happens to us, Far, Far Too Often, even in the Nicest
of Bars! It is Simply Infuriating.
Several replies spring to mind...
1) "As I have told you REPEATEDLY, I am Not
Interested."
2) "Sir, Please Go Away."
3) "Excuse me, Mr. Bartender? The gentleman
in the Ill-Fitting Plaid Suit is Bothering Me. Is there anything
you can do?" (Mr. Bartender should take care of the Idiot.
If he can't or won't, this is not the type of Establishment that
Deserves Your Business.)
4) "Sir, you are being Rude, Unchivalric,
and Just Plain Awful. Leave me alone."
5) "Excuse me, but I am having a Private
Conversation."
Any of these, accompanied avec an Icy Glare,
should scare away Just About Anyone. We're serious about the Glare--
when delivered correctly, Rude People practically Curl Up and Die
on the Spot.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
You know who else can S[Y|M]IH? Thomas Kinkade.
Poor Monet obviously didn't know enough to *trademark* the name
"Painter of Light."
Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip,
Grad Student Proudly Serving Fine Dinners on Corelle
Dear Grad Student,
Good God, the EGs could not more heartily concur!
The man is Bloody Awful! We shudder to think at the Poor, Innocent
Mall-goers who shell out a substantial amount of their Hard-Earned
Money to purchase some Horrid Little Woodland Scene, thinking it's
Art. The Painter of Light? The EGs have never seen, and HOPE never
to see, light like that. Ugh! Memo to Everyone: Just because it's
painted on canvas does not mean it Qualifies As Real Art. Oh, the
Horror, the Horror...
We are, even now, Reaching for The Gin Bottle,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
This may sound crazy, but what is the appropriate
attire to wear in a plane trip? I am leaving for vacation tomorrow,
and of course my first priority is to be fashionable, but I also
value comfort. I read once that you shouldn't wear jeans on a plane.
Is this true?
Please advise.
Thank you!!
Trifany
Dear Trifany,
Why yes, Dear Reader, it IS true. You may have
read it here.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First of all I love your website. Now my question,
I recently returned from a trip to see family that I had not seen
in three years. All of the meals that we ate at the house were served
on paper plates in front of the TV on trays. They have a lively
dining room and plenty of real dishes. I would have liked to sit
and have a nice meal where we could talk. Do you think it was correct
to serve a guest like this? What could I have said to convince them
to eat at a table? Thank you for any help.
Kadie
Dear Kadie,
Why thank you, Dear Reader, for your Kind Compliments!
No, the EGs do not approve AT ALL of Eating In Front of the TV.
We especially do not approve if there is a Guest Present! (Now,
we cheerfully make an exception for Our Dear Friends who live in
the Tiniest Studio apartments, whose dining tables cannot help but
be Near the TV, but rest assured, Dear Reader, the EGs' Dear Friends
always turn off the TV during Dinner.)
However, that being said, you cannot Criticize
Someone's Manners if you are a Guest in Their Home. You could have
said something like, "In MY house we NEVER eat in front of
the TV! My Mother would Keel Over Dead at the Very Thought of it!"
but this would be The Height of Rudeness (THOR). In this situation,
one must Grin and Bear it. The best way to convince them to eat
at a table would be to invite them Chez Toi, pull out all the stops,
and show them by example that it's easy and fun to have a nice meal
in the Dining Room!
With best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Please settle a difference of opinion for me regarding
the French term "R.S.V.P." (Répondez s'il vous
plaît). I have a friend who insists that there is an "Americanized"
version of R.S.V.P. consisting of four words, starting with an R,
an S, a V and a P (such as "Respond So Very Promptly").
Is there such a thing?
Thanks!
Love your site!
Victoria
Dear Victoria,
Well, plenty of phrases could stand for "R.S.V.P."
"Really Snazzy Vintage Purse" comes immediately to mind,
and if the EGs had a bit more Time to Ponder it, we're sure we could
think of many more. However, "R.S.V.P." on an Invitation,
stands for the French phrase "Répondez s'il vous plaît."
Love,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Bonjour from Texas! I've enjoyed reading your
book and website immensely, and have found them both très
hilarious and helpful. You ought to commend yourselves on making
such a successful, timely, and wise contribution to our society.
First, a quick background. I am a junior high
school teacher in my mid-20s, and my husband will begin his third
year of medical school in a few weeks (after completing his current
summer classes). My husband, who is quite busy studying for his
first round of Board Examinations in addition to his normal courseload,
has little-to-no free time. As a teacher, once school starts again,
I will be quite busy in addition to understandably having to "pick
up the slack" at home, since my husband is quite overwhelmed
with school.
And now, my etiquette dilemma. It seems my cousin
has decided she wants to visit my husband and me. Unfortunately,
she decided (via e-mail, no less! hmph!) that she and her family
ought to come to visit this fall, with absolutely no regard to our
schedule! I find this inviting oneself to be entertained by someone
in another city, as you ladies say, to be THOR. She has stated she
and her (spoiled, wild) children would stay in a hotel, but it is
assumed that my husband and I would find time to entertain them,
perhaps over a weekend.
In sooth, I have no desire to socialize with
my cousin and her family. Not only does my cousin tend to ramble
on regarding her personal (physical, mental, etc.) issues a bit
much, but also her husband is rude and obnoxious. Her eldest child
is, not surprisingly, frightfully ill-mannered and spends an excessive
amount of time screeching to get attention, which I simply cannot
tolerate (I hear enough of that from my students!).
I spent a great length of time, however, explaining
in my response e-mail that we were much too busy to properly entertain
anyone this fall since my husband is in medical school, taking exams,
and so on which I believed was firm and polite. I believed that
would be sufficient, but no! Mix yourselves up a G & T…
She immediately shot back another e-mail asking
if she and her family might come to visit before school starts.
Or, as she put it, "Well, how about we visit you NOW?"
punctuated with an irritating "winking smiley face" emoticon.
Quoi?? Since when is it acceptable, when refused a self-initiated
invitation, to issue yet another invitation and force the would-be
hostess to once again refuse? Doesn't it seem that these things
are bit backwards?
Normally, I would simply continue providing excuses
and regrets, but it seems my cousin is determined to not take "no"
for an answer. I have no desire to sink to her level of rudeness,
yet if a firm "no" is ineffective, what then?
Warmest regards and appreciation,
A Southern Lady
Dear Southern Lady,
Awww, thank you so much for saying such nice
things about us! The EGs are blushing!
What a Horrid, Awful Woman! The EGs cannot understand
why people are So Thick-Headed! Dear Reader, we think you need to
Lay Down the Law with her. Call her up and say, "Cousin Carla,
I just wanted to give you a quick call to explain that while Geoffrey
and I would love to see you, we simply are not in a position to
entertain. Geoffrey and I decided that during this very stressful
time we just cannot do it. I guess my e-mail didn't make it clear
enough that we're totally out of circulation from now through the
fall, until Geoffrey's done with exams, and for that, I apologize.
If you'd like to come to Texas and tour around on your own, I'm
sure you'll have a wonderful time, but I'm sorry, at this point
I can't even commit to having a cup of coffee during your visit."
Will she be offended? Perhaps. It is, admittedly,
somewhat strong to say you have NO free time AT ALL for MONTHS.
But if you're looking for her to Take a Hint, this should work.
Good luck,
The Etiquette Grrls
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