The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: July
2003 Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I realize this doesn't come up very often, but—what
is the correct way to announce, at approximately the scheduled time
of a wedding ceremony (i.e., when guests are seated in the church
awaiting the groom and bride), that the ceremony will not be taking
place after all?
Just Curious
Dear Just Curious,
WHAT?!? All we can say is that Making Such an
Announcement on the Day of the Wedding, when everyone has traveled
from Far and Wide to get there, is Horribly, Horribly Rude. If you
know you're Not Going to Go Through With It far enough in advance
that you're asking us how to Announce It in the Church, you have
No Business Announcing It at the Church. Even if you're looking
for a Horrible and Public and Unforgivable way to break up with
someone who has Wronged You Greatly, you have no right to inconvenience
all of Your Guests and force them to Witness such an Embarrassing
Episode.
But let's give you the Benefit of the Doubt.
Perhaps you're A Minister who might encounter a couple who has a
Horrible Row the day of the ceremony and, despite Your Attempts
to Mediate, Calls the Whole Thing Off. Okay, then you're just the
Bearer of Bad News. We would probably attempt to be as Brief as
Possible. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that
this wedding will not be taking place. I add my apologies to those
of Anne, Llewellyn, and Their Families." Then leave, do not
Take Questions, and let Anne and Llewellyn worry about handling
things from there.
Again, we just have to say: HOW horrible. We
really, truly hope you aren't planning to Surprise Someone Like
This, Dear Reader.
Very sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have just graduated from college, where I shared
an apartment with two other roommates, K and L. Our lease expires
on September 1. However, L moved out of the apartment on July 2,
and K plans to leave on August 1. I have no problem with the early
move-out days, and we are each paying our share of the rent (as
legally stated in our lease) until September 1.
My problem: I am in charge of the utility bills
for the apartment, a task I have managed throughout the year. I
sent L an e-mail on July 5 asking to be reimbursed for her share
of the June electricity bill. She has not replied, and I know that
she received it. How should I craft a second response asking for
the payment?
Also, I am curious as to if I am responsible
for the full brunt of the electric bills for the month of August.
Naturally, I will pay the entire phone bill (as I am the only one
using it), but the electric must be on in the apartment in order
to conduct move-out inspections, etc. I am also faced with the brunt
of cleaning the entire apartment by myself so we do not lose our
security deposits. How can I ask for help with the cleaning?
Please help!
Many thanks,
Responsible Tenant
Dear Responsible Tenant,
We'd try to speak with L In Person, or at least
by telephone, to ask what's up with the June electric bill. Say
something like, "I hate to bring this up again, but I'm still
waiting for a check from you for your share of the June electric
bill. Could you get that to me sometime this week? It's a drag,
I know, but I'd really appreciate it."
As for the electric bill during August... if
you plan to be staying in the apartment until September 1, then
we think you should foot the entire electric bill. Yes, during the
Move-Out Inspection, the electricity will be In Use for the Good
of the Entire Apartment, but that will be what, 15 minutes out of
the Entire Month? The rest of the time we think it's just like the
Phone Service—you're the only one using it, so you should
Foot the Bill.
And finally, regarding cleaning... it should
be obvious to Your Roommates that as they Move Out, they should
do Some Cleaning. If each had her own room, then she should leave
it Absolutely Sparkling and ready for the Move-Out Inspection. Common
areas are a little tougher, but if, for example, you each had a
Cupboard with Your Cooking Supplies in it, or a Drawer in the Bathroom,
you should each make sure those are Spotless when you move out...
no matter when that is. We wouldn't hesitate to say something like,
"Hey, K, there's still a lot of junk in Your Room—could
you stop by and clean it out and vacuum before the lease is up?
It'd be a shame to lose part of your security deposit."
Now, if there's only, say, an hour or so of general
cleaning to be done, we'd probably just Deal With It Ourselves (we'd
probably figure hey, we had the Entire Place to Ourselves all month,
which is Pretty Darn Cool, so a bit of Extra Cleaning won't Kill
Us). If you do need help with a Major Project, such as Repainting
the Living Room, then you can ask Your Roommates to help. But do
be fair about it. After all, if you've been living there for a month,
K and L really shouldn't have to clean up the Tomato Sauce you spilled
on the stove last night—they should only be expected to help
with Big Things. Finally, if you do not get any help, and the majority
of the problems are in, say, K's room, you could ask the Landlord
for an Itemized List of Deductions from Your Security Deposit (which
he should give you anyway), and send it to K, asking that she reimburse
you and L—you shouldn't have to pay for Damage She Did.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
Thanks for a fabulously awesome site for today's
grrls. I'm especially happy to see your link
for a good artichoke dip, but that must be because of the 39th
week pregnancy hormones telling me I only have a short time left
to eat for two.
I could use advice on the protocol concerning
entertaining visitors who come to call on the mother and new baby.
If I'm resting, do I need to get up to greet friends who bring a
meal to our family? I believe my husband feels that since they are
helping our family by bringing a meal, they deserve a personal visit
from the new mother being helped. If I'm already up, I would be
glad to visit and show the baby, but would think our friends would
understand if I was resting with the baby.
Also, I have one potentially sticky grrl situation
where my sister, who is just recently renewing our relationship,
has told my father (without talking to me) that she is taking off
work to visit for four days the first week after the baby is born.
This would be fine, except that she is a single mom who always brings
her rambunctious four- and five-year-old girls. In addition, the
last five visits we've had, whether in her home town or ours, her
girls have been sickly with either respiratory infections or to
be indelicate, heaving all over the place. This is really not the
optimum scenario for the first week of dealing with a newborn and
two other children of my own (I have an eight-year old girl and
17-month old boy). We already have arrangements for the first three
or four weeks for help in our home and would prefer not to overload
our home with people and noise. I should add that I deal with several
chronic illnesses/disease and greatly need assistance. I truly appreciate
my sister's eagerness, but wonder about her lack of consideration
and communication. How can I tactfully handle this situation and
try to maintain the tenuous building of our friendship?
Thank you for any help in this area.
M.
Dear M.,
Okay, Dear Readers, let's just call this an Etiquette
Rule: If someone is a New Mom, you are NOT ALLOWED to invite yourself
to her home as a House Guest for any length of time! You're really
not allowed to invite yourself anywhere (e.g., "Hey Mindy,
does your family still have that Fab Beach House on the Cape? Can
I come out for Labor Day Weekend?"), but it is the Most Inconsiderate
Thing in the World to assume that someone who will be Caring For
an Infant wants a House Guest! Never mind three, two of whom are
Small Children! We're sure many people Mean Well, and would honestly
not be a nuisance, but spend time Helping Around the House and Helping
to Care For the Baby (something lots of New Moms would be grateful
for, we're sure), but Dear Readers, this is the sort of thing you
simply OFFER, and let the mom-to-be accept or decline. You do not
Invite Yourself, and worse, you never, ever, EVER just Show Up Unannounced
At Her Doorstep!
But, Dear M., let's get back to your questions.
We think that as long as your husband greets visitors, you don't
need to get up to say hello unless you're feeling Up to It. For
heaven's sake, you've been through a lot! You'll have Just Given
Birth! Neither should you feel the need to Wake Up the Baby in order
to show him or her to Visitors. If your husband wants to lead them
over to the crib to Take a Peek, that's fine, but the Little One
needs his sleep! We think most people will understand, Dear Reader.
It's not like you invited people over for a Dinner Party and then
decided, on a whim, to Take a Nap instead. They're just dropping
by, and we don't see why Your Husband can't handle the pleasantries,
thank the visitors profusely, etc., all by himself. When you're
Up and About, you can invite these Nice People over for a Glass
of Lemonade and a Visit with You and the Baby, at which point you
can say you were sorry you weren't up when they brought that delicious
lasagna, but you were Still Recovering, and you really, truly appreciated
Their Thoughtfulness even if you weren't able to run into the kitchen
and thank them in person at that time.
And now to Your Sister. We think it's great that
she's Eager to See You, but if you don't want her there you need
to Nip This Visit in the Bud. Call her up and say, "Sally,
Dad told me you were planning to come visit for a few days after
the baby arrives, and I think that's so sweet of you to offer [make
sure to put a lot of emphasis on that word], but William and I really
would prefer to be alone with the baby for the first few weeks.
If you'd like to stop by just to see the baby, please do, because
we'd absolutely love to see you, but let's postpone your stay with
us for a month or so. How about Labor Day Weekend? That would work
ever so much better for William and me and the baby." Also,
you might want to tell Your Father that you need some back-up here—if
he was privy to Your Sister's Plans before you were, maybe he can
be a Good Ally toward getting her to Change Them.
We wish you and your family, including the New
Baby, all the best!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
After a funeral, what gifts and letters require
a thank-you note? Just flowers? What about Mass cards, donations
to charities, and notes of sympathy? What about people who just
signed the register at the funeral home?
Not Bereaved, Just Wondering
Dear Not Bereaved, Just Wondering,
Flowers, Mass Cards, and Donations to Charities
in memory of The Deceased must always be acknowledged with a Personal
Thank-You Note, as should any letters of sympathy the family receives.
Such Thank-You Notes may be Brief, but they must be Personal
(sending one of those "The family of _____ gratefully acknowledges
your kind expression of sympathy" cards isn't Personal Enough).
For example, you could say something like, "Dear Julie, Thank
you so much for making a donation to the Red Cross in memory of
my father. Dad was quite an active supporter of the Red Cross during
his life, and it means a great deal to my family and me that you'd
honor his memory in this way. Thank you, again, for being so thoughtful.
Sincerely yours, Mara." You do not, however, need to write
to everyone who attended the Wake and/or Funeral, though if you're
moved to Write to Someone, that, of course, is always fine. (Perhaps
someone shared a Wonderful Story about Your Dad that you hadn't
heard before, which meant a lot to you—it would be Very Thoughtful
of you to send a Brief Note to that person.)
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
I was recently fortunate enough to accompany
my boyfriend and his family on a wonderful, all-expenses-paid vacation.
I offered to pay for a dinner during the vacation, but his father
insisted that I not. I just returned home, and am wondering do I
send only a thank-you note or should I include something along with
it? Would a dinner gift certificate be appropriate? I'm so glad
I found your website—it's very helpful!
Thanks again,
Confused
Dear Confused,
We think you should probably send a Little Something
in addition to a Thank-You Note. Your Boyfriend's Parents were,
in effect, Your Hosts, and thus should receive a Hostess Gift, just
as if you'd stayed in their home. And we think it's preferable to
send Something Substantive than to send a Gift Certificate. How
about a Lovely Arrangement of Flowers? Or some Chocolates, or one
of those Delicious Gourmet Food Baskets from Zingerman's?
It doesn't have to be expensive—if Zingerman's is Out of Your
Price Range, then make a batch of Brownies from Scratch, put them
in a Pretty Box, and send them along. We guarantee they'll be Just
as Welcome as a Pricey Gift—probably more so because you put
Your Own Time and Effort into them!
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What does "R.S.V.P. (regrets only)"
mean on an invitation?
Quite Befuddled
Dear Quite Befuddled,
"R.S.V.P. (regrets only)" means that
if you do not plan to attend the event, you must Let the
Hostess Know in Advance. (Nicely, of course!) If you do
plan to attend, then you don't need to do anything except Show Up
On Time.
This is Quite Different from the Standard R.S.V.P.
Request. Most invitations just say "R.S.V.P.," minus any
mention of Regrets Only. In this case, you must tell the
Hostess whether you Accept or Decline the Invitation.
In both cases, you are Not Allowed to be Undecided.
That is to say, if you do not Send Your Regrets in response to a
Regrets-Only R.S.V.P. Invitation, you'd better Show Up. With a Regular
R.S.V.P., you absolutely must Make Up Your Mind and inform the Hostess
if you'll be at her party or not—no Dragging Your Feet About
It, either!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest Etiquette Grrls,
I am in the Middle of a Most Terrible Quandary!
My Very First Crush and my Terrible Rival/Ex-Best-Girlfriend are
getting married. In lieu of Real Gifts they have asked for Money
and in a sum of Fifty Dollars or Over (which, I am afraid, is rather
Impossible for a College Student who is très, très
poor, not to mention incredibly Tacky, no?). Worse Yet, I have not
been invited to the Actual Wedding itself, not to any Receptions.
My Invitation Invites me to a “Housewarming” party,
which is Absolute Junk because the Engaged have lived there (with
her parents, No Less) for over a year and I have already been there.
My Quandary is this: Highly Upset over the way both have treated
me callously (although in The Past), do I a) refuse to attend and
suffer the Wrath of a Small Town; b) Get Them A Real Gift; c) Place
Fifty Dollars on Page 169 of Your New Book (which, of course, I
loved); or d) Play Nice and Grin/Bear It?
A Most Terribly Confused Berry
P.S.: If I do Attend this Party, what would be
in Acceptable Taste? Formal Wear, or can I get by with my regular
Alternative Clothing, especially when Groom has Told Me Not To Bother
Showing Up Dressed Like That?
Dear A Most Terribly Confused Berry,
Oh, Dear Reader, why would you even consider
attending this Horrid Event? The Small Town will get over it if
you Send Your Regrets! Plus, if the Small Town condones Asking For
Money and Throwing "Housewarming" Parties for people who
ARE NOT MOVING INTO THEIR OWN NEW PLACE, then who cares what the
Small Town thinks if you skip it? We think you deserve a Weekend
Away visiting some Family or Friends in another, far-far-away city...
which just happens to conflict with this Ridiculous Shin-Dig.
We think there are two ways to handle Giving
a Gift. You could wash your hands of them completely avec the Fifty-Dollar
Bill on Page 169 of MTYNTBT,
but there would really be No Going Back From That. It's a See Me
In Hell Gesture. Or, you could get them a Small Gift, wrap it exquisitely,
and send it along with a short but well-composed note wishing them
Happiness. If it perturbs them that you didn't give them money,
well, that's Just Tough! We'd probably go the Small, Gracious Gift
Route—in the long term, you'll probably feel better about
Taking the Higher Road here.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest Grrls,
Am absolutely smitten with your website and the
well-needed etiquette advice; I found myself spending a pleasant
weekend reading MTYNTBT. Keep up the fabulous work!
Found myself in an etiquette quandary recently,
and thought I would ask your advice. I have a lovely, wonderful
eyebrow waxer who I visit regularly (good grooming, is, of course,
of the highest importance!) at a nearby salon. She has been an absolute
delight, of course, until recently. At my last appointment, while
examining my brow for loose hairs, she made quite the unnerving
comment: while gesturing at my forehead, she exclaimed, "We
have the most wonderful spa treatments here that can clear those
pimples right up!" Grrls, I was appalled. Since I am currently
undergoing dermatologist treatment for my acne-prone skin, I am
quite sensitive to comments that my draw attention to my complexion.
I'm sure that her spa treatments are The Bee's Knees, but should
she have suggested them in such a way?
How should I handle further comments, if they
do arise? I don't want to be harsh, but I feel that surely, there
could have been a better way to solicit her spa treatments, if necessary
at all.
Much thanks and keep up the fabulous work at
overcoming bad manners.
Love,
Perplexed in Phoenix
Dear Perplexed,
Of course she shouldn't have started Discussing
Your Acne! That's completely inappropriate, even for an Aesthetician.
Even Dermatologists (who, we dare say, are a heckuva lot Better
Qualified to offer Skincare Advice) should know to ask what, in
particular, is bothering a patient. A new patient might have a Very
Prominent Birthmark the Dermatologist could easily treat avec a
Laser, but she might be there just to have a Mole Checked; it would
be most gauche of the Doctor to assume the Birthmark troubles the
patient at all. She might be Completely Fine With It! (This, Dear
Reader, actually happened to a Dear Friend of ours, and it made
the EGs want to scream!)
Yes, salons often encourage their employees to
Cross-Promote services, and it might be Part of Her Job to mention
this month's Special on Facials. However, this would be fine only
if done in a general way: "I'm not sure if you knew this, but
we also offer facials— let me know if you'd like to see a
list of all the different types. They're actually On Sale during
July." It's just Not Tactful to point out a customer's Acne!
It sounds like a Hard-Sell Tactic, which the EGs Abhor. Good for
you not to Fall For It! If she says anything else, we wouldn't hesitate
to say something like, "Yes, you've mentioned that before—if
I'm ever interested in scheduling one, I'll let you know."
Get even more specific if she doesn't stop: "You've mentioned
the facials several times, but really, I'm just interested
in waxing."
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have a 10-year reunion, the theme is "luau,"
and the dress attire is Hawaiian/casual. I'm not crazy about a very
floral dress. What should I wear?
T.H.
Dear T.H.,
Your reunion has a Theme? And it's Hawaiian/Casual?
As opposed to, say, Hawaiian/White Tie? Tee hee! Absolutely, don't
feel compelled to wear some sort of head-to-toe Hawaiian-print ensemble
if you don't feel like it. What about a nice linen dress (this reunion
is in The Summer, right?) with a little Vintage Handbag made of
Tropical-Looking Woven Straw? Then at least you'll be making Some
Effort, but you won't look like a fool.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have a question about the requirement for second
R.S.V.P.s. Recently I received a couple of e-mail invitations to
weekend barbecues. Since the invitations came via e-mail, I R.S.V.P.-ed
by e-mail to give the respective inviters my regrets about being
unable to attend their parties, and provided a short explanation
as to why (I am overwhelmed with work/grad school at the moment
and sadly enough do not have the luxury of free time). Both of these
individuals responded to my message by disregarding my excuse, indicating
something similar to "You have to eat anyway so I would appreciate
it if you came by for at least a short time." The tone of both
of these messages was not so much"We understand but still feel
free to come if you like," but "Your excuse is too feeble,
I expect you to be there."
My question is this: Am I required to send a
second R.S.V.P., re-stating my original R.S.V.P. that I will be
unable to attend? And if so, should I re-emphasize my original excuse
since obviously it was not clear the first time? Finally, when R.S.V.P.-ing
is it preferable not to provide a reason for being unable to attend,
in order to avoid offending the inviter who does not accept the
excuse given?
Thanks for you help— I love your site!
Failed R.S.V.P.-er
Dear Failed R.S.V.P.-er,
Well, you're not technically obligated to give
a reason for regretting an invitation (particularly a formal invitation,
where you haven't much room to give a Long Explanation), but you
may give the reason why you cannot attend. "I'm sorry that
I can't come to your party on Saturday night, but I have a Prior
Engagement," is how you'd send Your Regrets to a Casual Invitation.
Or, "I'm sorry that I can't attend your cookout, but I'm planning
to be Out of Town this weekend," or "I'm very sorry, but
I won't be able to make the party— I'm still getting over
this Nasty Flu." All of these are Very Solid Excuses and shouldn't
be Questioned by Anyone. However, if you were to send a simple reply
of, "So sorry, sending my sincere regrets—can't make
it Saturday night," the hostess still shouldn't release the
Spanish Inquisition on you. Hostesses may wonder, privately, if
someone is Fibbing, but it's not something one should ever bring
up.
However, while we're sure you really are
Overwhelmed With Work, it probably would have been better to make
an excuse that sounds a Bit More Concrete if you were going to make
one at all. Don't get us wrong, it's Quite Rude of your friends
to second-guess you, but we think they would have left you alone
if you had said you had Another Commitment instead of explaining
How Busy You Were. (Only you need to know that Your Prior Commitment
was to Proofread Your Dissertation.) Again, let's be clear here—in
no way are we excusing the Snippy Response you got to your R.S.V.P.
If anyone said anything like that to us, you'd better be sure we
wouldn't be accepting any invitation of theirs anytime in, oh, say,
This Lifetime. But if you don't want to encounter This Snippiness
again from any other Rude Hostesses, we'd recommend sticking to
one of the Big Three Excuses (Conflicting Obligation, Absence From
Town, or Illness) even if this involves Stretching the Truth a little.
It's up to you whether you want to reply to them
again. You definitely don't need to—you were asked to R.S.V.P.,
which you did, and that's all you're obliged to do. If you want
to say something like, "I'm sorry, but as I said before, I
won't be able to attend—I hope you have a wonderful time,"
that would be fine, but there's no pressing need.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I've been dating a man for about a year and a
half. His son is getting married this weekend and we're attending
the wedding together. I've joined my boyfriend, his son and fiancé
on several occasions for dinners and such. My boyfriend's wedding
gift to them is an all-expenses-paid honeymoon, which I have not
contributed to. Is it appropriate to give them a gift on my own?
Thank you for your response,
June
Dear June,
Sure! If you're so inclined, feel free to get
them a Little Something and write them a Nice Congratulatory Note.
They'll probably be Quite Touched that you're so thoughtful!
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Just a quick question—what is an appropriate
stone for an engagement ring OTHER than a diamond? Are there any?
Unlike the rest of the female population, I don't care for them
at all, and, while not currently expecting or seeking an engagement
ring from my boyfriend, I am curious about what other stone might
be considered appropriate. I know that rubies, sapphires, and emeralds
are considered "semi-precious"... I am inclined to think
that an excellent sapphire set in a modern, clean-lined platinum
setting would be perfectly acceptable, but then again, I could be
wrong.
Any input would be great. And keep up the great
work on your site...
Best,
Sara
Dear Sara,
We think the Engagement Ring should Suit the
Girl. And some Girls just don't like Diamonds! Sure, you can have
a Lovely Engagement Ring with a Sapphire. A Really Good Sapphire
set in Platinum sounds Tremendously Swell! (Nit-picky point: We
actually thought Rubies, Sapphires, and Emeralds were considered
Precious Stones, and that "Semi-Precious" applied to Garnets,
Citrines, Topaz, etc.... but that's not really important.) Now,
none of these other Types of Stones is as hard as a Diamond, which
means you'll have to be a bit more careful with your ring (particularly
if you choose an Emerald—they can be Rather Fragile). But
the EGs doubt you're going to be karate-chopping cement blocks whilst
wearing Your Engagement Ring, or running around dipping your hands
in Hydrochloric Acid, so this shouldn't really Crimp Your Style.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Oh, I hope I don't come off as a Stuckup Sourpuss,
but I am really having a problem with a friend's New Girlfriend.
First of all, he is 30 and said girlfriend is 19. Our circle of
friends has an average age of 27. Age should not matter, however,
Girlfriend is completely immature. She acts just as a 19-year-old
should, including wearing outfits that resemble Ms. Aguilera's and
stumbling around drunk with Beer Cans on her head (which, I would
like to add, I do stick my nose up to), and embarrasses
us when we are with or meeting new friends. The circle, which includes
husbands, et al., agrees that in the future, we do not invite Good
Friend to gatherings if there is an inkling of a chance that New
Girlfriend will be accompanying him, or we intentionally make plans
to meet at bars which she would not be able to entre dans. Circle
adores Good Friend and can only hope that he is going through a
phase, but now it's almost uncomfortable to hang around him, because
we fear that he will ask what we think of her.
Etiquette Grrls, are we being quite rude, or
are we dealing with the situation mannerly? Also, what kind of answer
could I give if Good Friend asks what I think sans sounding like
I'm lying straight through my teeth?
Lack of Tolerance for Immature 19-Year-Olds
Dear Lack of Tolerance,
Oh, Dear Reader, even 19-year-olds shouldn't
be dressing like Trampy Pop Stars and stumbling around drunk with
Beer Cans on their heads! We know plenty of Mature, Sophisticated
19-year-olds who would take umbrage to your saying this is how a
19-year-old should act! (Don't worry, we're sure you don't actually
think this is okay for 19-year-olds; we just want to make sure Our
Dear 19-Year-Old Readers understand such behavior is not Sanctioned
by the EGs!)
Planning get-togethers in Bars She Can't Go To
is Pretty Darn Crafty. However, it sounds like she could Learn a
Few Things from Your Crowd—what about planning other events,
like a Swanky Cocktail Party, where there will be Nary a Beer Can
in Sight, just pitchers of Strong Martinis? Or even something Alcohol-Free,
such as a Road Trip to a Flea Market? If you keep your soirées
on the Extreme Opposite End of the Scale from Frat Parties, then
perhaps she will start acting a bit more mature at them. It might
be worth at least one shot before all of you give up completely
on Miss Beer Can. If that doesn't work, though, then you have two
options: Continue the Sneaky Planning, or level with Good Friend.
He might notice, of course, that you're deliberately trying to exclude
Miss Beer Can, and we think it could be very awkward if he Called
You On It. It might actually be best if he asked what you
think of her; then you could Be Honest. You wouldn't want to say,
"Dear GOD, what on earth are you THINKING? Are you having some
sort of Early Midlife Crisis? She is Just Vile and you need to dump
her, stat!" However, you could say something like, "Britney
seems like a nice girl, but she does sometimes act as if
she's at a Frat Party... which is a little bit out of place at the
Jazz Club." He might pick up on that and say that yes, he's
noticed that the group seems Rather Cool Toward Her—does her
age have something to do with it? Then you could say, "Well,
Good Friend, you know we don't care about the Age Difference. She
could be 49 instead of 19 and I'm sure everyone would be fine with
that! It was just a bit unnerving when, for instance, Helen had
that Cocktail Party and Britney showed up with her Beer Funnel.
That was really awkward. I don't think it's age so much as—and
you know I hate to say this—a sense of tact." If enough
people plant that kind of Little Seed in his head, he might realize
that Britney might not be the right girl for him right now (barring,
of course, some Sudden Acquisition of Maturity).
With best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Like so many of you other admirers, I check your
site First Thing Monday Morning. I applaud you for your lively comments
on Important Topics.
I have a question regarding Shoes—specifically,
how much space should be showing between the Heel of One's Foot
and the End of the Sole when wearing a backless mule or slide. I
noticed that when my friend tries on Shoes, she will buy them in
whatever size allows for a good 1/2 to full inch of shoe to extend
past her heel. I myself never do this, operating on the assumption
that One's Backless Shoes should fit the same way One's Closed Shoes
fit—and in a Closed Shoe, one's Heel would meet the Back of
the Shoe relatively snugly, or the Shoe would fall off.
When I tried, for my own curiosity, to try on
a pair of Backless Shoes where that much of the sole extended past
my Heel, my Foot slid around in it and it was difficult to keep
it from flying off! However, I don't want to be thought of as Someone
Who Wears Her Shoes Too Small—especially as I pride myself
on my knowledge of How Things Are Done.
Please dispense your Wisdom, EGs!
Well-Shod or Shoddy?
Dear Well-Shod or Shoddy?,
Oh, yes, it would be Most Unseemly to be continually
Stepping Out of One's Backless Shoes! It would look a Bit Odd to
have a full inch of shoe extending past one's heel... the impression
it might create is that of a Wee Child tottering around in Her Mother's
Shoes. However, we wonder if your friend may be choosing the larger
sizes because the front of the shoe fits perfectly—what she
might really need is a Smaller Size and a Wider Width. We've seen
plenty of Girls wearing Mules and Slides that are clearly too small
for them, too—they probably really need a size 9 AAA instead
of an 8 B, for example. It's Simply Deplorable that it's so damn
difficult to find shoes that aren't in a B width!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
I was recently invited to a very small dinner
party hosted by a couple I hardly knew. It was a wonderful evening
and I had a magnificent time getting to know them at their home.
I would like to reciprocate the gesture and invite them to dinner.
Unfortunately they are horribly allergic to house pets and I own
a cat. Is it polite to invite them to a dinner at my favorite restaurant?
I usually invite people to dinner at my home and feel slightly uncomfortable
that I will not be able to host them properly at a restaurant. Secondly,
since they are very well off financially (much more so than I) and
will probably try to pay for their own meal, how do I politely insist
on paying for their meal?
Thank you in advance,
How to Reciprocate?
Dear How to Reciprocate?,
We think your plan sounds Just Fine. In fact,
we've been to "dinner parties" like this, where the host
has, for example, the Tiniest of Tiny Studio Apartments and No Possible
Way of Seating Guests, never mind Cooking for Them. First, though,
we'd probably make Absolutely Certain that Your Home is Not an Option—give
them a Quick Telephone Call to say that you had such a wonderful
time at their party, and that you're thinking of having a Little
Get-Together of your own, but you were worried that Your Cat might
make things difficult for them. They might say, "Oh, we are
Very Allergic, but as long as we take Claritin an hour or so in
advance, we'll be Just Fine." If that's the case, then you're
all set! Just make sure to vacuum really well and put Fluffy in
Your Bedroom during the party. If they apologize and say they really
can't Set Foot in Your House, then you could say, "That's fine—
I've actually been looking for an excuse to go to [Your Favorite
Restaurant]—I think I'll just move the party there instead!"
If you make it clear that You're the Hostess,
they really shouldn't make a big deal about Your Paying for Their
Meals, but if you anticipate Problems, try this: Arrive Early, introduce
yourself to the maitre d', and tell him that the Check for Your
Table should only be brought to you. Have your Credit Card ready
at the end of the meal, and as soon as the folder with the Check
arrives, slip in it and hand it right back to the waiter. Now, should
anyone STILL try to foist Money Upon You, simply say, "You're
my guests! I insist on paying. The Etiquette Grrls would
Have My Head if they heard I let people I invited to a restaurant
pay for their own meals!"
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
My husband is a newly ordained minister, but
neither of us have attended many weddings. He has been asked to
officiate an outdoor wedding in October on the East coast. The wedding
sounds as though it will be quite formal—the bridesmaid dresses
are beautiful and elegant, and the groomsmen will be wearing tuxedos.
It sounds as though most of the people attending
are wealthy, but my husband and I only make a modest income. My
husband needs a suit for the occasion and I need a dress. Here are
the questions: What style/color suit would be appropriate for him,
and what style/color dress would be appropriate for me to wear?
Since he is officiating the event, it is of utmost importance that
we are dressed properly (I am certain you understand). Also, do
you have any suggestions as to where we could purchase the appropriate
type of clothing for modest prices? Please help!
Working-Class Grrl
Dear Working-Class Grrl,
Sure! We think you could get Very Nice, Very
Serviceable Outfits for both you and your husband! First, try to
buy something Seasonless, so you can Wear It Again. Even if you
anticipate it being Very Cold in October, for example, don't get
a Heavy Wool Dress with Long Sleeves. Instead, go for a Versatile
Fabric in a Solid Color, and Accessorize. For you, a Very Simple
Sleeveless Sheath Dress with a Matching Jacket would be Ideal—maybe
something in Navy, or Sage Green, or Slate Blue, depending on your
coloring. If you attend another wedding next summer, for example,
and it's 90 degrees, you can leave the Jacket at home and bring
an inexpensive Lightweight Wrap to cover up your shoulders during
the ceremony. Shoes like Slingbacks will work at any time of year
(go for Low Heels if you'll be walking on grass at the Outdoor Wedding).
For Your Husband, we think a Black Suit will
be best (or maybe very dark Charcoal Grey), preferably made of Lightweight
Wool. He'll probably want a white shirt and a non-busy tie (something
like a light-grey silk would be nice). He'll also need Black Socks
and Black Lace-Up Shoes. Of course, if His Denomination requires
anything different, you should take Their Advice instead of Ours!
Since you have a while before the wedding, you'll
have plenty of time to shop. We'd recommend you look everywhere—from
Department Stores to Brand-Name Shops like Banana Republic and Brooks
Brothers (you might find a Great Sale!) to Stores that are a Little
Less Predictable, like Filene's Basement, T.J. Maxx, and Various
Outlets (yes, it's Rather Draining, to say the least, to shop in
stores where you're never quite sure what you'll find, but you just
might find something Absolutely Perfect at an Insanely Good Price).
Or, there's always eBay,
or, Our Favorite, Vintage Clothing Shops! Also, if you have any
Good Friends who like to shop, let them know what you're looking
for... when the EGs hear that someone we know is on a Shopping Quest,
we're always happy to Keep an Eye Out for something that might work
for them!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest Etiquette Grrls,
I am getting married in August and a dear male
friend of mine called today to inquire as to whether I prefer Tinkerbelle
Lingerie or Hello Kitty Lingerie. Personally, I could do without
both as he is married and I think this would be a tad uncomfortable
for both our spouses. When I suggested that if he was such a fan
of Tinkerbelle, he should consider purchasing it for his wife, he
told me that it would not look as good on his wife. I am feeling
a little embarrassed that this was even suggested. I guess I am
behind the times as to the common practice of giving delicate items?
Thank you for your advice!
Prefers Traditional Wedding Gifts
Dear Prefers,
Eeeeeeeewww! All together now: EEEEEEEEWWWW!!
What a Sleazeball! Was he attempting to make some sort of Exceedingly
Un-Funny Joke? No, Dear Reader, you are not Behind the Times...
you are just Not Vile. We'd have said something like, "Oh,
Nigel, I'm sure you're joking, because it would be Most Unmannerly
of you, a Married Man, to give me lingerie of Any Sort. What would
your wife say?"
Very sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
I adore your site and your books (I'm planning
on recommending them for my school district, as all of the other
etiquette books I have seen in collections are quite dated). However,
I'm in a quandary over an incident at a 4th of July party. I am
a teacher (school librarian to be specific) and it's a profession
that I take with the utmost seriousness. At this party, there was
a woman who did not know I was a teacher who seemed to be very frustrated
with her child's education at a neighboring district. Her tirade
included how lazy teachers were because they weren't there when
she called after school. This really got my dander up, especially
because she does not have a job outside of her home and therefore
doesn't face the same issues that people who work outside the home
do.
Being a teacher, it is my natural reaction to
explain things carefully to those who don't understand something.
It's what I have been trained to do, and who I am as a person. I
explained the types of events that could happen during a school
day that would cause a teacher to leave right on time. I also explained
how much work teachers take home with them after school. I didn't
even list the fact that teachers in my state are now required to
get 180 hours of professional development before a certain date
or have meetings that might be necessary to attend for their district
that might not be held in their individual building or just come
in early in the morning when no one is around to get their extra
stuff done instead of staying late or even have childcare issues
of their own to battle.
Given the fact that everyone went to school and
therefore believes they get an opinion on my profession (and quite
often, it is an unflattering opinion), is there something much more
simple (and polite) to say that does not include a lecture on my
part?
Biting My Tongue
Dear Biting My Tongue,
Oh, my. May we just say that People Who Go Around
Being Disrespectful of Teachers are just screaming for a Good, Swift
Kick in the Shins avec a Very Pointy-Toed Slingback (and, perhaps,
some nice Spelling Words to copy out 1,000 times)? But we'll leave
it at that. No matter what your profession, if you feel someone
is making a Gross, Disparaging Generalization about it, you may
certainly bring up a few points to Contradict Them. The key thing
here is the Tone in which you deliver Said Points. As long as you
deliver it lightly, it's fine to say something like, "Actually,
I'm a teacher, and the business hours in my district are 7:30 A.M.
to 2:30 P.M. It's not uncommon for me to be out the door right at
2:30 to attend meetings in other buildings or required professional
development classes. If you need to reach someone, it's best to
call the school during its Business Hours... it's like any other
Place of Business. You can't get Your Doctor on the Phone an hour
after his office closes!" We wouldn't, however, Start Shouting,
Talk Down to Anyone, Deliver an Elaborate Lecture about all the
possibilities ("Maybe the teacher has Childcare Issues of her
own! Maybe she comes in Early! Maybe she Coaches!"), or make
any remarks insinuating that someone doesn't know what she's talking
about because she doesn't work outside the home (which would be
Way, Way Out of Line).
If she comes back at you with, "Yeah, well,
my child's teachers really are Incompetent Fools!" then we'd
say something like, "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way, but
really, I just have to tell you that not being able to reach a teacher
when you call at 4:00 is really not unusual. Even if you're unhappy
with your child's teachers, please don't accuse all teachers of
Being Lazy. I'm not, and my coworkers are not, and it's really disheartening
to hear the entire profession being Put Down because of a few Bad
Apples." And then, Dear Reader, we'd say, "Excuse me,
I need to go Freshen My Drink," make a Big Damn G&T, and
make a Silent Toast to the fact that this Horrid Woman doesn't live
in Your District!
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
I have always been offended by men whose pants
would fall lower than appropriate in the back, with underwear, Or
Worse, hanging out. I mean really, I can't believe they can't tell!
Horrors. Now this trend evolved to men with designer bands of underwear
hanging out of pants that are much too large, which I did not understand,
but hoped it would go away quickly (and I must say at least designer
underwear is more pleasant than the alternative). Now, dear Grrls,
the latest "underwear as fashion" trends for women just
perplexes me. Low-cut jeans and pants require low-cut underwear!
So many out there are busily tucking in the excess underwear, or
worse, just letting it show. This is most noticeable at university
sporting events on bleachers.....very distracting!
More recently, there is the new trend of wearing
the thong above your low-cut pants (on purpose!). This is just unbelievable,
but then, it gets worse—prom fashions came out and there was
a two-piece dress with a low-cut skirt and a pair of complimentary
thong panties to go with the ensemble!
Is it Ever Appropriate to have underwear showing
in public—or as part of an outfit—aside from being a
lingerie model?
Victoria's Secret Should Be Kept a Secret!
Dear Victoria's Secret Should Be Kept a Secret,
No. It is Never Appropriate for anyone
to sport Visible Underwear in Public, no matter What They Are Wearing,
Who They Are, or Where They Are. And that Includes Models.
And for the record, if anyone wore that outfit
to a Formal Dance at Our School, they'd have been Sent Home immediately,
with a Boatload of Demerits. We can't understand why anyone would
let their Teenager Leave the House in a Prom Ensemble Like That!
And whoever designed it can See Us In Hell!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I love your site and look forward to reading
it every Monday! I have a question that I have never seen addressed
and maybe because it's a bit bizarre, but here goes...
Why would a new mother think that her friends
would want to change her new baby? Or do most women like to do this
and I'm just strange for having no interest in this activity whatsoever?
One of my friends had a baby in late February
and during the couple of times I have visited she seems tickled
by making comments about how I should change her baby. Another friend
was with me during one visit and allowed herself to be goaded into
actually doing it (again, after repeated comments). I am infertile
(which she knows, and perhaps this adds to my annoyance with this
behavior from her) but should I eventually be blessed with a baby,
I wouldn't DREAM of asking someone other than my husband or a babysitter
to change him/her.
We have other friends with babies who have joked
(once!) about our "getting the practice" and changing
their babies but her repeated comments about this make me think
that she's not joking entirely and that she expects I should take
her up on her offer (as if I really want to, but am just too bashful
or something)! Is this rude, or am I too sensitive? If you agree
it is rude, would you suggest a response that would effectively
convey my disinterest while preserving her feelings? ("No,
thank you" just doesn't seem to be working...)
Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
Not the Nanny
Dear Not the Nanny,
Wow. That is the Most Insane Thing we've ever
heard of! Why would someone ever want to change someone else's baby,
Just For the Sport of It? The asking is Bizarre. The assuming everyone
will want to clean up after Her Baby is Rude.
We'd laugh and say something along the lines
of, "Sure thing—after you come over to my house and Clean
Out the Litterbox!" (If you're Sans Cat, substitute any annoying
and/or labor-intensive Household Chore that no one really wants
to do—Cleaning Out the Gutters, Scrubbing the Toilet, Washing
the Windows, Waxing the Floors, etc.) Now, the EGs don't know this
person, so we can't guarantee it will actually Preserve Her Feelings,
but, Dear Reader, she needs a Wake-Up Call! If you don't want to
deliver a Snappy Retort, you always have the option of Leveling
With Her: "Millie, you've asked me that before, and I said
no. I'm sorry, your baby is adorable, but I really don't
want to change him."
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My friend is a professional caterer. She loves
to throw elegant dinner parties. They are elegant and the food is
wonderful. More importantly, it's great to gather with good friends.
However, here is my problem. On the invitations she asks people
to contribute $15 for food. This makes me uncomfortable. I don't
know how other guests feel about this since I don't feel loyal discussing
this with others. At one point she must have felt the need to explain
herself because she made a comment to the effect of "Why should
I pay for their party?" Isn't it her party? Also,
she constantly interrupts conversations to ask people (especially
me) to come in the kitchen and chop something or cook something
as she is always running late. Even though she considers me her
good friend, sometimes I feel like an employee who is inappropriately
consorting with the "real" guests, even though I paid
my $15. I suppose, I should just decline her invitations. But have
you ever heard of throwing a party and asking the guests to pay
for the food?
Sincerely,
Bemused
Dear Bemused,
Nope. Well, actually, we take that back—this
is exactly the same thing as throwing a Birthday Party
at a Restaurant for, say, Your Spouse, and expecting all the guests
to Pay For Their Meals. And the EGs hear about that ALL THE TIME
from people who want to have a Swanky Party, yet can't afford to
Foot The Bill. (Our answer, for the record, is that the Host Pays
for Everything. Always. If you can't afford to pay for dinner for
25 at the Chateau de Swank, then you have the options of 1) inviting
fewer people or 2) changing the venue. And That's It.)
Your friend, Dear Reader, is not Throwing Parties.
She's Running an Unlicensed Restaurant Out of Her Home, and, worse,
she's making the Guests Cook! There's no way in hell we'd accept
an invitation like that—it would just Encourage Her!
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I'm throwing a party this weekend for friends
and family, among which will be my brother and his wife. Also, my
two best friends will have company this weekend, one of whom is
a mutual friend from out of town. Let's call her Tiffany. My friends
are bringing Tiffany with them to the party. Complications arise
from the fact Tiffany is my brother's ex-girlfriend from about eight
years ago in high school, as well as a high school volleyball teammate
to my sister-in-law (in fact, my two best friends, my brother, his
wife, Tiffany and I ALL went to the same high school).
My brother had a bad break-up with Tiffany, has
since avoided her, and doesn't like talking about her, let alone
seeing her. Through this, however, I have remained friends with
Tiffany and consider her to be a good one at that. I have let my
brother know that Tiffany will be at the party, to which he acted
put out and suggested I am being rude to his wife, though insisting
that it was "fine."
Am I an insensitive host to invite Tiffany? Tiffany
is now engaged and getting married in September, so the idea that
there is tension between her and my sister-in-law escapes me. Am
I disloyal to my brother to even remain friends with Tiffany? He
hasn't asked me to stop being friends with her.
I feel like I've been thrown into the middle
of a mess that I don't understand and that someone's feelings will
be hurt in the end, either Tiffany's for being dissed from her friend's
party or my brother and his wife for being thrown into an uncomfortable
social situation. What is a good host to do?
Sincerely,
Worried Host
Dear Worried Host,
Oooh, they dated eight years ago? In
High School?? And one is now married and the other one's
engaged? Good God, what could possibly be the problem here? We think
you are not being disloyal in the slightest. Do not dis-invite Tiffany,
and don't worry too much about Your Brother and His Wife feeling
uncomfortable. In fact, a Big, Casual Party is probably the ideal
situation for them to see each other— it's not like an Intimate
Dinner Party, where, if animosity surfaced, it could really Kill
the Evening for All the Guests, or somewhere like Their High-School
Reunion, where other people who know the Whole Story about the Awful
Breakup will be watching them all like hawks. You are the Host,
and it's your right to invite whomever you want, including
Former Girlfriends/Boyfriends and even Former Spouses. However,
when you have guests who fall into these categories, it's always
good to Tip Them Off to the fact that the Opposite Party has also
been invited, so nobody, in a Fit of Surprise, throws one of your
Best Wineglasses across the room at Her Ex. For this reason, you
might want to fill Tiffany in—it would really be unfair to
have told Your Brother but have her be Surprised. It is up to your
guests to Be Civil to one another, should they accept your invitation.
If they feel cannot do so, then they simply should Not Attend. And
what's more, they shouldn't Whine to You About It. You're all adults,
and if you are friends with Both Parties, it's not nice of either
of them to try to force you to Take Sides.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I recently attended the wedding of a former colleague,
which was followed by a sit-down dinner reception. My assigned table
was with her now present co-workers, most of whom I knew (same employer,
different departments) but they were more acquaintances than friends.
Nevertheless, all was well, and everybody was friendly. Our table
seated ten, and one plate setting was empty. Just after the first
course was served, the latecomer arrived and took his seat... it
just so happens that we too were acquainted. He was the bride's
former boyfriend turned friend, and I knew he had no idea who his
tablemates were. I assumed the bride put him at the same table with
me because he would at least know somebody. As he sat down, I could
tell he was very uncomfortable, his late arrival making him very
conspicuous. In order to make him more at ease, since I was the
only one there who had even inkling as to who the heck he was, I
said, "Hi Gary, nice to see you. It's been a long time."
To which he responded, and I am not kidding, "Not long enough."
For an instant the silence was deafening as all eyes turned to me.
Then somebody expelled a "Whoa," or some such sound. His
nasty remark was totally uncalled for, as he and I had absolutely
no history other than being friends with the bride. Meanwhile, everyone
is looking to me for my response, but I was stunned into speechlessness.
I had absolutely no idea what provoked this comment, not to mention
my embarrassment at being unjustly and publicly humiliated in front
of people I barely knew. I desperately searched my brain for a pithy
comeback; alas, I came up empty. I finally muttered something along
the lines of "Well, alrighty then" as the people at the
table tried to retrieve the conviviality we were enjoying before
this yahoo came around. I iced him for the rest of the evening,
not that he made any attempts at engaging me in conversation. A
couple of weeks ago he sent me a letter (yes, a real letter) apologizing
for his boorish behavior, etc., concluding that he would really
like to take me out, and giving me his phone number. I have no desire
whatsoever to see this guy again. Should I respond to this conciliatory
gesture, and if so, how? What I really want is a ringing endorsement
to ignore it... but only if you see fit.
I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock and Roll
Dear I Knew the Bride,
While his behavior at the wedding is Most Perplexing,
the EGs think his "Letter of Apology" is Even More Psycho!
It's a good thing that he apologized, and we like the fact that
he wrote you a Real Letter instead of, say, sending you an e-card,
but under no circumstances should a Letter of Apology contain an
invitiation for the Recipient to go out on a date with the Writer!
How horribly forward!
We would not respond to the letter. He sounds
like a Very Odd Young Man, and you probably need an Odd Young Man
bothering you about as much as you need A Hole In Your Head, Dear
Reader. If you should happen to run in to him In Public, of course
you should be Civil, but we definitely don't think you need to give
him a call. No wonder the Bride Broke Up With Him!
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Ladies,
I love your site. I never thought I would need
to ask you a question, but here goes:
I have had an appointment set up for the past
two months to have my hair and nails done. Today I received an invitation
for me and my darling daughter to attend a girls-only tea party—for
the exact same time as the appointment I've had for two months.
I've already called the hostess to see if it would be OK for my
husband and my darling daughter to attend, but it's a strictly NO
BOYS ALLOWED event.
So my dilemma is somewhat clear—do I sacrifice
time I've carefully carved out of my schedule for myself (yet again!)
and reschedule my appointment, or do I regretfully decline? Keep
in mind, my darling daughter is unaware of this invitation, and
we are not particularly close to the hostess (wife of a school buddy
of my husband). I am also uncomfortable with the idea of attending
a "tea party" (although my daughter loves them).
Please help!
Pondering in Pennsylvania
Dear Pondering,
Honestly, Dear Reader, it's Your Decision. Only
you know how important Your Appointment is to you. We will say that
we think it would be perfectly understandable if you declined just
because you don't know the Hostess terribly well, whether or not
you had A Conflict. Is there another possible solution, such as
asking the Mother of One of Your Daughter's Friends to take your
daughter along, while you agree to reciprocate at a later date?
If not, though, we wouldn't Lose Sleep Over It.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
OK, here is my question. I was watching this
show on MTV called Made, and this episode shows a tomboy
working to become a beauty queen. Well, she got a coach, and on
the first day the coach reprimands the girl for chewing gum! She
said that girls can't chew gum! Now I'm a little confused, because
I always chew gum, and I never once thought that it wasn't feminine.
I thought maybe it might have to do with age, because it would look
sort of silly having a 30-year-old professional, in a business suit,
chomping away at gum, but a teenager! It's not as if we are eating
some over-the-top child's candy that has cartoon characters all
over it. It's just some gum so we won't have bad breath! LOL. Also,
if you look at any commercials for gums like Trident or Orbit, all
the actors are adults. What do you think about this "masculine"
act?
Sincerely,
Gum Chewer
Dear Gum Chewer,
The coach is wrong. It's not that Girls
shouldn't chew gum. It's that No One should chew gum In
Public, except if they can do it Completely Imperceptibly.
If you think about it, it is Very Silly to be Continually Chewing
on Something when you're not Having a Meal, no matter how old you
are. By all means, have a piece of gum when you're alone in your
car on the way to The Big Party, but get rid of it before you arrive!
There's a whole section on this in our second book.
And, Dear Reader, just a tip: Don't ever look
to the Actors in a Commercial as examples of What Should, or Should
Not, be done by Anyone. Is it okay to bring up Your Digestive
Problems at the Dinner Table, or for scantily-clad teenagers to
talk to a creepy photographer in a basement, à la that Disgusting
Calvin Klein Commercial from a few years ago? No, no, a thousand
times no!
Most sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
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