The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: March
2003
Dear Readers,
Like everyone else, the EGs have spent many hours
this week watching CNN as war began in Iraq. Our thoughts and prayers
are with all the brave members of Our Military (and, indeed, with
the troops from around the world who are fighting side-by-side with
the American Troops), and it is our fervent wish that this action
proceed as quickly and with as few casualties as possible. We are
especially saddened to hear of the American servicemen and -women
who are Prisoners of War—we hope that they will be liberated
very, very soon, and our hearts go out to Their Families. The reports
of combat casualties and deaths also aggrieve us greatly, and we
remember the wounded and the fallen in our prayers.
Some Dear Readers have asked us what is Appropriate
Behavior in Wartime, and our answer is first, of course and as always,
one should demonstrate the Utmost Respect for Our Country, Our Leaders,
and Our Military. Flying the American Flag is one way to show this.
We would also recommend donating time or money to the Red Cross,
which, while it is perhaps best known for providing Disaster Relief,
is also a key source of Humanitarian Relief (including that which
will be delivered to the People of Iraq), as well as a source of
services, support, and aid to Members of the Military and Their
Families. An online donation form is available here;
you may also search on www.redcross.org
for your local chapter. Volunteer information is available here.
We also think it is entirely appropriate to scale back, or to cancel,
certain events which seem too Flip, or Showy, or Glib to take place
while Our Country is At War. Life is not cancelled—we have
jobs, and family obligations, and all of these should continue as
usual. However, we'd have a hard time watching some sort of Snide
Fashion Critique of the Academy Awards right now, for example, when
on CNN, we're seeing bombs exploding in Baghdad and hearing that
families of POWs are still being notified. So please excuse us if
we stick to a couple of very traditional etiquette questions this
week focusing on kindness and gracious behavior, minus our typical
flippant attitude and occasional sarcastic comment. The EGs understand
that many of you come here on Mondays to read just that sort of
thing, but this week, it's just not the right thing to do.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My family and I have just recently moved into
a new neighborhood. Several of the neighbors have brought over gifts
to welcome us to the neighborhood. My question is, should I send
out thank-you cards and or give them a gift? I want to do the right
thing because in today's time you rarely experience this thoughtfulness.
Thank you,
Susan
Dear Susan,
It sounds like you picked a Wonderful Neighborhood—we
hope you and your family will be very happy there. We would write
a Thank-You Note to everyone who gave you a gift, and in that note
we would extend an Invitation to have Dinner at Your House. You'll
be showing Your Appreciation of Their Thoughtfulness, and having
the Neighbors over for dinner is a smashing way to Get to Know Them!
We know it may sound a bit daunting, especially after you've just
completed a Move (always exhausting), but imagine how much better
you'll know Your Neighbors after a meal together than after, say,
six months of waving hello across the fence.
Best regards,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am a senior in high school and would like to give my friends a
cute, personal gift at graduation. However, I do not have much money
to spend and would like to make something, but I have not been an
avid photographer over the years. Do you have any suggestions, beyond
collages and scrapbooks, as to what I could make for them? There
are many people whom I know very well so I would like to be able
to make 20 or so presents for them.
Thank you,
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
It's terrific that you've decided to make gifts
instead of worrying because you haven't much to spend. The EGs have
always felt that Handmade Gifts are the Most Thoughtful Kind of
Present! What to make, however, really depends on what you'd like
to make. We think Needlepoint is lovely, but if it's not Your Cup
of Tea, it's not the Best Choice. Have you any interest in Making
Jewelry? With just a few supplies you can make lovely bracelets
or earrings. Or, what about finding something small that speaks
to a Private Joke you have with Each Person? Or, how about making
CDs with songs you and your friends like? You could even make special
Jewelcase Inserts with notes about each song. We think your possibilities
truly are limitless... just spend a little time thinking about what
you'd like to spend time making. We're sure you'll come up with
something very thoughtful and personal and sweet!
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What is the proper way to deal with someone who
has gotten you a gift (for a holiday, birthday, or anything else)
that you didn't expect, and you aren't prepared to reciprocate?
Of course I don't want to accept gifts without giving in return,
but at the same time I feel embarrassed at running out to the store
to find anything for the kindhearted giver. Is there any other way
to handle this situation? I'd be relieved and grateful to hear your
advice! Thank you!
Cheers,
Surprised
Dear Surprised,
First, the EGs believe strongly that Gift-Giving
is about doing Something Thoughtful for Someone Else, not making
them feel as if they must jump to give us something In Return. We
definitely wouldn't condone running out to the Closest Store and
picking up something, anything, just to be able to reciprocate
quickly. If we were surprised by an Unexpected Gift, we would thank
the giver profusely, and follow up promptly with a Thank-You Note.
If we did want to reciprocate, we would take our time finding the
Right Present for that person—it would be perfectly acceptable,
for example, to send a gift in January to someone who sent you a
present before Christmas, with a note saying that you spotted this
and immediately thought of him, so you wanted to Send It Along.
Next Christmas, you can put that person on Your Gift-Giving List.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First of all, let me compliment you on your website—I happened
to stumble upon it and immediately loved what I saw! Thank you for
bringing some amount of decorum to our sometimes Capital "T"
Tacky world.
Now to my dilemma. I was honored to serve as a bridesmaid for a
close friend in February of this year. She comes from a rather prominent
family in the city, and was therefore thrown several rather large,
rather expensive showers prior to the wedding, as well as an engagement
party where gifts were expected (I know, I know—but this is
the Midwest). As a bridesmaid, I was invited to all of these, as
well as five other showers from two previous engagements (it's a
rather long story). Coming from the South, I was always taught that
as a bridesmaid, I was under no obligation to give gifts at every
shower to which I was invited, as presumably there would be many
and I'm not Made of Money. I contributed to group gifts when I could
afford it, as well as contributing to the Wedding Gift (a diamond
necklace) we bridesmaids gave the Bride. You should also know that
the wedding was a Location Wedding in Santa Barbara with Vera Wang
Gowns which ended up costing me An Arm And A Leg. Now, while my
bank account is still in recovery, the Newlyweds have announced
that they are coming to town to celebrate their recent nuptials
with family and friends who were unable to attend the actual event.
There are going to be three "showers" thrown for the couple
as well as a second reception here in the Bride's hometown. Is it
necessary to shell out more money for these After-Wedding Showers
(I've Never Heard Of Such A Thing) and if not, what do you suggest
as a tactful way to handle the situation?
Awaiting your reply,
Very Nearly Sucked Dry in the Midwest
Dear Very Nearly Sucked Dry in the Midwest,
"After-Wedding" Showers? THREE of
them? Can anyone say Greedy?? We could understand a couple
who married in a Small Wedding Far From Their Hometown having
a small party of some sort upon return from Their Honeymoon, but
there is no way in hell that should remotely resemble a Shower,
and it definitely shouldn't be Called One. Furthermore, there
is NO excuse to have Three Such Parties. (Attention everyone who
is under the mistaken impression that being born into a Prominent
Family means one Innately Understands what is Appropriate Behavior—this
is Perfect Evidence that such is not the case. These Young Whippersnappers
need to go to Remedial Etiquette Boot Camp.)
You are absolutely not required to give any
further gifts to This Couple. You've given them enough already,
we think! Heck, turn their own Terminology against them—if
these Silly Parties are supposed to be Showers (which is, again,
Just Ridiculous, but never mind that for the moment), well, then,
as a Bridesmaid you are only responsible for One Shower Gift,
no matter How Many Showers you are Invited To. Ta-da! Perfect
logic. Attend, if you wish, sans gift, and don't worry about it
anymore. If we were you, though, Dear Reader, we'd try Our Damnedest
to find Conflicting Obligations that required us, much
to Our Chagrin (wink, wink), to send our regrets to these Fêtes.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I bought your
book, which I enjoy for the humor and tips. It didn't cover
one small part, though, which I was rather hoping you could help
me with.
I have never been to a formal dance in my life,
nor have I ever gone shopping for any dress more expensive than,
say, $50, mostly because I grew up very poor in the middle of
nowhere where they don't have any stores nicer than
Sears.
Now I am 28 years old and working in education,
and I am being forced to attend the local Prom as a chaperone.
I have no way to get out of this. While I quite enjoy dancing
and don't overall mind going, I am horrified by one constant which
will not escape my mind, and that's: what should I wear?
I don't have the funds to purchase an actual
prom dress and I'm quite certain that as a chaperone I shouldn't
be doing such a thing anyway. I was considering investing in a
classy black dress, but I'm not sure that such a thing would be
quite appropriate for this event. I'm afraid that, left to my
own devices (or the devices of my friends), I will end up either
looking like a teenager myself, looking like a dowdy 80-year-old
woman, or looking like a rag bag. In addition, I can't ask my
colleagues, as they suggested that I wear a $10 polyester dress
from Old Navy. I am really hoping not to embarrass myself. In
your opinion, what should a 28-year-old Prom chaperone wear?
New to Prom
Dear New to Prom,
Oh, You Poor Dear! The EGs think High-School
Proms are ghastly enough for High-School Students—we shudder
to think how horrific they must be for the Poor Adults Who Chaperone
Them! The very thought of Keeping Tabs on a Ballroom Full of Teenagers
gives us a serious case of The Vapors. Dear Reader, do you have
Smelling Salts? You might find a wee vial of them useful to slip
in Your Handbag for use during This Event.
What to wear... Well, Dear Reader, first and
foremost, do not wear anything resembling a Traditional
Prom Dress. No tulle, no taffeta, no crinolines, no sequins; stay
Far, Far, Far Away from the Juniors Department. Don't,
under any circumstances, get an Elaborate Hairstyle, have your
shoes dyed to Match Your Dress, or sport any sort of Corsage.
The EGs think that you should Dress Up more than you do on an
everyday basis at work, but leave the Fashion Mistakes to the
Teenagers, Dear Reader. We would recommend a nice, dressy-but-not-flashy
dress in a Dark Color like Black or Navy. (Plus, this kind of
dress will be a Very, Very Useful addition to Your Wardrobe!)
Now, you will also want to err on the side of The Conservative
vis-à-vis the Cut of This Dress. Don't choose anything
Revealing. You'll also want to avoid anything Too Glitzy; some
subtle beading around the neckline would probably be fine, but
don't overdo it. A very smart investment would be a Nice Shift
Dress that has a Little Jacket to go over it—you'll be able
to look Dressed-Up, yet still Authoritative. And if the night
is a Bit Chilly, you'll find it useful to have something with
you that offers a Bit of Warmth whilst you Patrol the Parking
Lot searching for Miscreants.
With best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I love your website, which has indeed answered
every question about good form that has cropped up during the
past few years (thank you, by the way, for steering me away from
ankle bracelets). However, now I have a question of my own. I
am an 18-year-old university student, and I have been seeing a
certain boy for about 6 months. The relationship has been serious
(in a good way) for about two months. His birthday is in April,
and mine is in May, so unfortunately it has fallen on me to buy
the first birthday present of our relationship (hopefully not
the last!). It is his 20th. I was thinking some sensible cufflinks.
I considered an engraved cigarette case, but apparently he does
not approve of this unless one is European, and it takes too much
effort to change a man. What do you suggest?
Yours sincerely,
Cornelia
Dear Cornelia,
Oooh, cufflinks sound smashing! We think you're
on to something there. Vintage ones can be Especially Keen. Engraved
gifts are also always quite nice. (So long, that is, as the engraving
is something like, "To A.B.C. from X.Y.Z., March 31, 2003"
and not, "2 Pooky-Wooky Snookums, *kisseskisseskisses* from
Ur 'Lil Bunnykins! :+) :+) 4ever"—how obnoxious. We
sincerely hope the Good People at Tiffany's have not been asked
to have Emoticons Hand-Engraved upon anything, but somehow, we
fear that they have.) If your beau wouldn't appreciate an Engraved
Cigarette Case, what about an Engraved Business-Card Case? Going
back to the Cigarette Case, why does your boyfriend think this
only appropriate for Europeans? It would be a Rather Useless gift
for a Non-Smoker, naturally, but we don't understand why Americans,
in general, shouldn't have Engraved Cigarette Cases. Does the
prohibition extend to Other Non-European Countries, such as New
Zealand or Japan? Is there something similar which he believes
Europeans are not supposed to have, such as Engraved Pocketwatches
or Engraved Money Clips? We are Quite Perplexed.
Sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Hello!
I just found your lovely website. BRAVA! If
only the poor, misguided souls who insist on wearing sequin-embellished
sweatshirts in public could be encouraged en masse to find it
as well!!
My question involves a disturbing trend: Allowing
One's Child to do Whatever He/She Pleases in Public. I'm sure
this has been going on forever, but it seems that lately, any
effort at (polite) correction by the Offended Party is likely
to end up in a Screaming Match with the Offensive Parent of the
Child Who Can Do No Wrong. I was at a department store recently,
paying for my purchase, when a nine-year-old-ish boy SHOVED me
over to look at an item that was displayed on the counter. I honestly
had to grab the counter to steady myself, and I am neither Old
nor Infirm. After recovering my composure, I turned to the Offending
Child and said "Oh! Excuse me!" just loud enough for
Mom, who was standing behind me, to hear. No response. From either
party. I turned to stare at Mom, wearing a Mask of Blank Hauteur,
and again, NOTHING. Offensive Mom actually tried to engage me
in a conversation about my purchase! Was this her way of apologizing,
while not? And would it have been permissible of me to say, "Pardon
me, but your delightful son nearly knocked me over, and failed
to apologize. Perhaps this would be an excellent time for you
to advise him on how to conduct himself in public" I can
recall, as a child, being reminded constantly on proper behavior,
and my mother would never have tolerated SHOVING someone. Are
hospitals offering free lobotomies with every induction?? What's
going on here??
Your new admirer,
Sue in Chicago
Dear Sue in Chicago,
Arrrgh! The EGs cannot believe how Oblivious
some parents are to Their Children's Blatant Rudeness! We think
that's bad enough, but then you also have the parents who believe
Their Little Angel Can Do No Wrong, and would never barrel into
a stranger / make a Rude Comment to an adult / spend five hours
kicking the seat of the adult sitting in front of them on An Airplane.
Worse, these parents tend to get Defensive of Their Little Brats!
The EGs are sorry, but in general, if your kid does something
so Out of Line that a Stranger feels necessary to comment upon
it, your kid probably was, In Fact, Out of Line. It's not like
Most Adults have the time or the inclination to run around Falsely
Accusing Small Children of Misbehavior. But we digress.
We think that in a situation like the one you
described, we would have chosen to say something a bit more pointed,
like, "Ouch! My knee! That really hurt!" The
mother honestly may not have seen what happened, so we wouldn't
want to say anything like "Excuse me" which might make
it sound like we were At Fault. Sarcasm is a Lovely Thing, but
sometimes, one must be Absolutely Clear. As for whether to say
something directly to the Mother, well, that always depends on
the Situation, Dear Reader, not to mention whether you have the
Time to put up with a Potentially Obnoxious, Argumentative Mother.
The EGs realize that sometimes, one has to Cut One's Losses and
Move On—if you suspect, for example, that the Clueless Mother
may be Packing Heat, you'd probably be wise to wait and vent later
to Sympathetic Friends over a few G&Ts. However, if you feel
like you would like to Say Something, keep it simple and non-accusatory
(e.g., no matter how much you want to refer to The Child as "Your
Churlish Brat," you should refrain). "I'm not sure if
you noticed, but your son just pushed me into this counter. If
my son did that, I'd want to know, so I thought I should mention
it." Then go about your business. If she gets Shrill and
Defensive, well, just walk away—you know you did the Right
Thing.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
How exactly should a young lady respond to
an older man who addresses her as "kid" or "kiddo"?
Usually I respond with a "hello sir" of the utmost politeness,
as the gentlemen in question are typically elders whom I respect.
However, I am nearly 20 and feel it is inappropriate and rude
to be addressed as "kid" or any variation thereof by
the mayor of one's town, or the president of one's college. I
have gotten some enjoyment out of being extremely polite in response,
but if it happens again, I may say something equally or more rude
back to them.
What would either of you do in this situation?
Any suggestions or sympathy would be greatly
appreciated.
Not a "Kiddo"
Dear Not a "Kiddo,"
We like your strategy of Utter Politeness in
response to Inappropriate Forms of Address, Dear Reader. We can
understand why one would find this Infuriating--especially from
people who Absolutely Should Know Better, such as a Mayor or a
College President! However, Dear Reader, we're afraid we must
counsel you not to be Rude in Return. It's just Not Worth It to
retort with something like, "Hey Geezer"—even
if provoked, it really would be Rather Unforgivable to say something
That Rude to One's Elders. How about saying something like, "Actually,
President Smith, my name is Alexandra Chilton—I'm sure you
don't remember me, but I attended your seminar on Joseph Conrad
and A Cappella Singing Groups and found it so intriguing,"
with a very polite smile? That's probably what we would do.
Best regards,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What is the proper etiquette in regards to
behavior towards pregnant women? I am a pregnant woman who feels
the need to be armed at all times to fend off the rude comments,
and sometimes well-meaning questions, of women. As it
happens, I am thin and athletic. I maintain my athleticism even
into my sixth month and have no plans of stopping. For reasons
unknown to me, my not exploding into a size 20 on learning I was
pregnant is antagonizing to other women, especially to those who
gained an excessive amount of weight during their pregnancy. They
feel the need to ask me when I'll "pop out" or when
I'll "start showing." Some even ask me to hold my shirt
flush to my body as to see where I'm "hiding" the baby.
I think some doubt I'm truly pregnant. They then proceed to comment
that their belly is larger than mine (and they are not with child).
How on Earth does one respond to that? Some have gone so far as
to say that I've made them sick in how I "don't look pregnant
at all." Are there polite, yet witty, comments with which
to respond? Please help, as I fear my martial arts training may
kick in at my next interrogation.
Also, I have a pregnant friend on the complete
opposite side of this dilemma. She is months behind me and already
showing. A person at work, a terribly rude and gossipy woman,
has taken it upon herself to comment about
just how much my friend, with whom we both work, is already showing.
Here is a sampling of her comments (made from across the room):
"Wow, you've REALLY popped out there, haven't you? How far
along are you again? Goodness, are you sure you're not carrying
twins?" Egad! I was barely able to restrain myself.
Whew! All that being said, I would greatly
appreciate your opinion on this matter. Also, I would love to
hear your take on why people want to touch a pregnant woman's
belly as if it were public property, a lucky rabbit's foot or
genie bottle! People don't even think about asking for permission
before grabbing for you. Do you think it would be terribly rude
of me to put them in a wristlock upon reaching for my belly, or
should I wait until after they've made contact? Truly, under what
other circumstances does one just touch another in such sensitive
areas? It would serve them right to be politely tossed on their
bum.
Sincerely,
Going Inpregnito
Dear Going Inpregnito,
It sounds to us like people are using Pregnancy
as a feeble excuse to make inappropriate comments about Someone
Else's Weight. As you've pointed out, such comments are completely
out of line about ANYONE, regardless of whether the target has
Gained or Lost Weight or whether she is Reed-Thin or Un Peu Zaftig!
Furthermore, from what we hear from Dear Friends who are Expecting,
someone who has a Baby on the Way has far, far more important
things to deal with than Deflecting Dumb Comments on Her Weight.
We are outraged on Your (and Their) Behalf, Dear Reader!
As for what to say in response to such people,
well, that depends, of course, on what effect you want to create.
If it's an acquaintance whom you don't want to embarrass with
a Snappy Retort, we think it would be fine to make a quick comment
like, "Susie, I'm sorry, but I'm really uncomfortable with
the amount of attention everyone seems to be paying to My Weight.
Would you mind if we talked about something else? I don't mean
to make you feel bad, but I felt you would want me to be up-front
about this." If, however, you're dealing with someone who
Really Needs a Wake-Up Call, a bit of Well-Chosen Sarcasm might
be Just the Ticket. A few examples:
Clod: Wow, you look like you're about
to Explode! Are you having Twins or Something?
You: Actually, it's Octuplets. Excuse me, that's my telephone
ringing—it's probably the National Enquirer again.
Clod: Are you SURE you're pregnant?
You: Well, the Expert Obstetrician I've been seeing every two
weeks for the past six months does, so yes, I am fairly sure.
Clod: Can I pat your stomach?
You: Sure, if you don't mind being put in a Wristlock.
Or, just be direct:
Clod reaches out to pat your stomach
without asking permission.
You: Excuse me [taking a step back], I really don't appreciate
that. Surely you understand.
We wish you the Best of Luck, Dear Reader,
in fending off the Idiotic Remarks and Inappropriate Invasions
of Your Personal Space. And if anyone makes you Stand Up on a
Train, let the EGs know, and trust us, those people will be Very,
Very Sorry.
Most sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My question is about receiving compliments.
I receive quite a few compliments at work, and
I think it is polite to smile and say thank you, but sometimes
I'm not quite sure how to reply. One of the compliments (!) that
a particular colleague gives me is "Your blood is worth bottling."
I'm not quite sure what to say to that! I've just been smiling
back at her.
Can you think of any appropriate replies to
that one?
Thank you.
K.M.
Dear K.M.,
"Your blood is worth bottling"?!?!?
That is, in Our Expert Opinion, extremely bizarre. Not to mention
more than Un Peu Creepy. And this is something someone says to
you on a Regular Basis? Oh, Dear Reader, the EGs are very much
perplexed. Of course it's polite to Smile Nicely and thank someone
who has just complimented you, but honestly, Dear Reader, are
you sure this is a compliment? We'd probably say something
like, "Well, um, thank you ever so much, but what on earth
do you mean?"
Best regards,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
So nice to see someone giving etiquette advice,
because Lord knows it is needed! Anyway, a few months ago, I purchased
some nice personalized stationery, which included envelopes with
my return address. Soon after, I was forced to move because my
landlord sold my residence. I was looking for something recently
and came across the now obsolete stationery, which is really very
nice. Is it improper to put an address label over the incorrect
address (which is only on the envelopes) and use the stationery?
Does it matter if the stationery is ivory and the label is white?
Thanks ever so much.
S.
Dear S.,
Well... we hate to say it, but we think that
would look Un Peu Odd. The label would definitely detract from
the appearance of the letter. Usually you can order Plain Envelopes
to match the Personalized Writing Paper, and they're far less
expensive than the Engraved Ones... we'd recommend you look into
that instead of putting a label over the address. The EGs have
SCADS of Out-of-Date Writing Paper, Envelopes, etc., dating back
to our time Away at School, and we find them Very Handy for making
Grocery Lists! When one is not looking forward, to put it mildly,
to facing the Screeching Children and Out-of-Control Shopping
Carts at the local supermarket, the Good Quality, 100% Cotton
Paper at least makes writing out the list a more enjoyable experience
than using, say, college-ruled paper ripped from a spiral notebook.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
I would first like to commend you ladies on a lovely and wonderful
website. Entertaining, witty, but also educational. Cheers to
you.
My particular problem involves one young girl for whom I baby-sit
fairly often. I have to admit that I don't particularly enjoy
baby-sitting, but I believe that I am meticulous and responsible,
because I have several regular baby-sitting jobs and I am told
by all of the parents that their children enjoy me. Anyway, the
mother of one girl in particular has a tendency to come home late.
For instance, the last time I stayed with the girl, the mother
came home an hour after she had promised, with nary a phone call!
Before she left, she told me, "I'll be home at 10:30, at
the latest, and I'll be sure to call if anything come up."
She arrived home at 11:35, and vaguely apologized for being "a
little late."
My question is: it rude of me to tell her that her lateness is
a problem for me? This was a Saturday night, but I had an engagement
the next day which I was required to get up early for, and an
hour did make a difference. I wouldn't say that her lateness is
habitual, but it happens often enough to be irritating.
Additionally, I was wondering, if she does call and ask me to
stay later, is it rude to say, "I'm sorry, but that is a
problem," because I have schoolwork, an early appointment,
etc.? I would appreciate any wise words you, the EGs, have to
say on the subject, because I trust your judgment in matters such
as this. Thank you!
Sincerely,
A Grouchy Governess
Dear Grouchy Governess,
This woman sounds perfectly awful! We imagine
she'd be More Than a Little Upset if you decided to show up an
hour late—why should she value Your Time any less? She should
consider herself lucky to have found a Good, Responsible, Available
Baby-Sitter! From what the EGs hear, Really Good Baby-Sitters
are Few and Far Between! We think you'd be entirely within your
rights to refuse to work for her at all, if she's going to behave
like that, but if you do want to keep watching her child, we recommend
you level with her about her lateness. First, you need to Start
Charging Overtime. If she calls and says she'll need you for an
extra hour, she should pay, say, 1.5 times your normal rate. If
she doesn't call, you should charge even more. Make this clear
to her when she books you to baby-sit. "I'd be happy to watch
little Emily, Mrs. Thornbert. But first, I need to explain a couple
of new policies I've made for people who want to hire me to watch
their kids. I've been encountering a lot of parents lately who
think it's okay to keep me very, very late, well beyond
the time they expected to be home, and this interferes with my
schoolwork and commitments I have on the weekends. Therefore,
I've decided that I need to charge overtime rates if parents stay
out more than 30 minutes beyond the time they told me I could
expect them to be back."
There's absolutely nothing wrong with Being
Businesslike, Dear Reader, even if you are young! If she does
call and ask if it's all right if she comes home an hour later
than planned, you may of course say either yes or no... but unfortunately,
if you say it's not all right, and she still doesn't
get home on time, you will need to stay there anyway (no matter
how rude the mother is, it wouldn't be right to leave a Small
Child alone). So you'd be better off having an overtime pay schedule
in place. And honestly, Dear Reader, there have got to be plenty
of parents in your town who could use Your Services without being
Disrespectful of You, so we wouldn't hesitate to tell her to take
a Long Walk off a Short Pier (albeit in more polite terms than
that, naturally).
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
O wise women who possess all knowledge of what is correct regarding
weddings and engagements, please help me! I just received an odd
e-mail. An acquaintance of mine recently became engaged. I was
quite happy to hear the news because the couple has been happily
dating for a number of years. The bride-to-be has sent out an
e-mail announcing the engagement—however, the e-mail contains
nothing other than a photo of the engagement ring with the couple's
name written above it. I find this extremely distasteful because
it gives the impression that a big, shiny ring is the best part
of the process—as opposed to making the decision to commit
yourself to another person for the rest of your life. Am I being
oversensitive??
Disgusted Anyway
Dear Disgusted Anyway,
Nope. You're being Properly Horrified, just
as the EGs are to hear of Such Tawdriness.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Warm greetings. I have seen friends and acquaintances
struggle with this issue, and now (although I thought I knew better
than to bring it on myself!) I am wrestling with it myself. One
of my friends, whom my husband has never met nor has ever particularly
wanted to meet, has apparently decided that she and my husband
are some kind of soul mates. She has been increasingly sending
personal gifts just for him (she lets it be known that they are
only for him).
I didn't mind this at first, but it just seems
to have escalated over the years—with NO encouragement from
my husband, except my dutifully thanking my friend for the gifts
she sent him. I didn't mean to encourage her—which I have
apparently done. Would there be a way of courteously putting a
stop to this? Surely there are other men in the world she can
feel close to, instead of my husband, whom she hasn't even met?
(She has a live-in boyfriend, and I would consider it discourteous
to repeatedly single him out for special gifts that didn't include
her.) Thank you!
Sincerely,
Hurt Friend
Dear Hurt Friend,
Does this friend also tell you your blood should
be bottled (see above)? Just wondering.
Seriously, Dear Reader, this is Disturbing Behavior.
We shudder to think what the "personal gifts" might
be, but we think this woman is Way, Way Out of Line. The next
time she sends something, your husband should send it back to
her with a note saying that he while appreciates her trying to
be thoughtful he simply cannot accept something this personal
in nature from a friend of his wife's whom he has never met. (The
tone to go for is Absolutely Polite but Firm and To-The-Point.)
Do this as often as necessary. And need we say, Dear Reader, that
if she's doing something that makes you This Uncomfortable, she's
probably someone it would Behoove You to Minimize Contact With?
Best of luck,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My stepmother has an appalling habit. No, she
does not strangle cute fuzzy bunnies—what she does is e-mail
me asking for gifts. Before Father's Day I got a list of DVDs
my dad wants. Before Christmas she sent me clippings from a catalogue
with the presents she wanted circled. She's been in our family
for almost 20 years, but since I've become an adult (with a job
and money) she's been doing this.
We just got into an argument about my little
brother's birthday. She invited me to dinner and suggested X Box
games as a gift. I replied that I was thinking (since it is his
18th birthday) of getting him an adults' survival-guide book,
and a resume and job-hunting handbook. I got a severe reply that
he doesn't want them and won't use them and won't like them, and
then she said my options were to get him DVDs or make it "a
cash birthday."
This is appalling, no? I have to respond, and
I'm not exactly sure how to proceed. I'd really rather not be
asked directly for gifts because I think it's really rude. I think
she was rude and I don't even want to attend the birthday celebrations
now since I am feeling awfully boxed in by it.
Help? How should I respond?
Sincerely,
Boored in Bethesda
Dear Boored in Bethesda,
Pay her Absolutely No Mind. None. At all. If
she tells you what to get someone, let that opinion go in one
ear and out the other. If she sends you clippings of Gifts She
Wants, simply Ignore Them. Just because she has apparently declared
herself the Present Dictator does not mean you need to Listen
to Her! If she (rudely) confronts you about how you dared Not
to Heed Her Orders, simply tell her that you enjoy selecting gifts
all by yourself, and that you've always felt having a checklist
tends to take the fun out of it—that you've always believed
that being thoughtful involves taking the time to figure out on
your own what the gift recipient would enjoy.
Also, although we understand the urge not to
be Anywhere in Her Vicinity, we think that avoiding your little
brother's 18th birthday party isn't the right answer. We're sure
your brother would be hurt if you skipped it, and you're not angry
at him. Heck, we think your stepmother needs to see that you will
not be bullied into buying what she says you will buy, so you
should definitely show up! We'd give your brother the books right
in front of her! Chances are he'll love them because you did take
the time to pick out something special (as opposed to the ever-growing
stack of DVDs piling up at his feet), and upon viewing his reaction,
she'll realize she was wrong to behave so obnoxiously.
Sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Ladies,
Oh Dear Lord, you must include in your next
publication that it is IMPERATIVE to cut the 100% cashmere, 100%
wool, etc. tags off of winter coats. I have seen too many poor
souls, mostly girls, walking around with those huge tags STILL
ATTACHED to the arms!!!! Also please mention that the back vents
on coats, skirts, and suit jackets must be cut open!!! The little
stitched "X" is NOT decorative!! I feel for these people,
many of whom commit both aforementioned crimes on the same items
of clothing!!!!
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Concerned in Chicago
Dear Concerned,
Oh, you are So Right! While we commend you for
purchasing a coat made of a Good Quality Fabric, we don't need
to Read About It on the sleeve! We also would think it should
be obvious that the little sewn-in "X"s on pleats, jacket
vents, etc., should be Snipped, but just the other day we saw
a Misguided Young Lady wearing a Pleated Skirt in a Lovely Plaid
Fabric... with every single damn pleat sewn down at the bottom.
Dear Reader, she looked like a Bell! She was taking ridiculously
tiny steps! The EGs were Seriously Tempted to jump up from our
table, rush out to the sidewalk, and Free the Poor Pleats, but
we were afraid the Restaurant Staff would think we were Skipping
Out sans paying, and the EGs would Never, Ever Do That. But still,
somewhere in Boston, there is a very Sadly Mistreated Plaid Skirt,
and we deeply regret that.
Regards,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First off, let me tell you both how lovely your
new website is! I simply adore the new martini glasses in your
Q&A section. I love your book and look forward to reading
your advice on etiquette quandaries each week. Now I'm hoping
you will help me with my own!
Recently, I had the privilege of turning 30
and celebrated with a lovely, intimate gathering of friends and
family at a local supper club. While birthday presents were not
expected, my thoughtful dear guest still insisted on bringing
them to the restaurant. I made an especially big deal as each
gift was handed to me, and thanked them with big hugs and kisses,
but did not actually open any of the gifts until my husband and
I returned home later that night. Of course, I immediately sat
down with my Crane's stationery and wrote each a heartfelt thank
you, but was wondering if I should have opened the gifts during
the party? The restaurant was very crowded, and I was busy going
between friends and family, but I didn't want to commit some inappropriate
faux pas. What would you have done?
Sincerely Yours,
30 and Loving It!
Dear 30 and Loving It!,
Happy Belated Birthday to you, Dear Reader!
We wish you Many Happy Returns. And thanks to you, and all the
other Dear Readers who've e-mailed us, for your comments on the
new site—we're so glad you like it!
We think it's perfectly fine, even preferable,
to save opening the Gifts until After the Party. If some guests
have not brought gifts (as of course they are not obliged to),
they might feel Quite Embarrassed if you made a big show of Opening
Presents. Plus, especially in a Restaurant, one wouldn't want
to create a big, messy pile of wrapping paper and ribbons and
tissue paper for the Poor Waiter to have to Clean Up! Much better
to open them at home, Dear Reader, and promptly dispatch a Thank-You
Note.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have been invited to "Cocktails"
in honor of an engaged couple to be married May 31. The invitation
has no information other than date, time, place, and host. Do
I need to bring a present?
Etiquettely Challenged
Dear Etiquettely Challenged,
Nope. One never has to bring a present
to an Engagement Party. If you want to, of course you may, but
it is absolutely Not Expected of You.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Among the first things I do each Monday upon
my arrival at the office is to check your Q&A. This is done
prior to checking e-mails, the headlines, etc. I consider your
advice as important as it helps me both professionally and socially.
I have a question concerning my nephew's upcoming
wedding Memorial Day weekend. He and his bride are getting married
in Kansas City, which is the home of my long-term lady friend,
Joan. Joan wishes to go there, and we will stay with her brother.
We have been seeing each other for going on three years and this
is a serious relationship. Is it a faux pas to ask my nephew if
Joan can accompany me to the wedding? I would very much like to
have her meet the rest of my family, as this may become a permanent
relationship. Most of my family is unaware of the depth of our
relationship, as we are scattered about the country.
Yours faithfully,
J.
Dear J.,
Aww, aren't you sweet! We've heard from so many
Dear Readers that reading our Q&A is a Monday-Morning Ritual.
As the EGs understand how Dreadful it is to arrive at the office
on Monday, we are very flattered that our Dear Readers would come
to EGs.com to soften that! We are more than happy to give you
reason to postpone checking e-mail for a few minutes!
Well, Dear Reader, you know what the EGs say
about Invitations: You can't ever ask for one, no matter
if it's for yourself, for your children, or for your date. (Or,
we suppose, for a Total Stranger, though we've not yet heard that
particular situation yet.) It's absolutely the host's prerogative
to decide the Guest List, and it really, truly is Bad
Form to put someone in the position of either having to Cave In
and extend an invitation or tell you, Flat-Out, "No."
Ergo, we would definitely not recommend that you call up your
nephew and ask if you may bring Your Girlfriend to his wedding.
However, Dear Reader, it's only March—you
don't yet know for certain that you will not be invited to bring
a guest! If you honestly think Your Family is unaware of Your
Serious Relationship, and that if they knew, Your Girlfriend would
definitely be invited to attend along with you, then why not make
some subtle attempts to spread the word now? You would want to
be VERY discreet, however, and not make any reference to Your
Nephew's Wedding, or else this will look like a Blatant Attempt
to finagle an invitation. The next time you speak with a relative,
mention Joan. It will probably get into the Grapevine, Dear Reader.
And even if she still is not invited (which, honestly, may still
be the case—the wedding may be so small that the host decides
it will not be possible for any Unmarried, Unengaged Guests to
bring dates), this way you will at least have accomplished one
of your objectives—making the rest of Your Family aware
of her exisitence. If she still wishes to go to Kansas City with
you, even if she will not attend the wedding, that is perfectly
fine—if she has family there she will certainly have something
to do whilst you attend the Ceremony and Reception, and you could
always suggest that everyone meet for brunch the day after the
wedding so that you can Introduce Joan to Your Relatives In Person.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
Kudos for the new website; I love it! And I
am anxiously awaiting the debut of your new etiquette book.
My question is how to handle uninvited guests
that just show up on one's doorstep. My husband's cousin and his
wife do not live near us but attend a church right in our neighborhood.
In the five years we have been married they have never stopped
by to visit. Since we had our baby this past October, they always
seem to be in the neighborhood and show up unannounced on our
doorstep! This is Especially Irritating, to say the least. My
husband is not close to this cousin, so it is awkward when Cousin
and his family show up. We have nothing in common and there are
plenty of silences. Cousin usually helps himself to our newspaper
and leaves his wife to watch their two kids. It is a weird visit,
to say the least.
The last straw was last week. We had just gotten
home from our son's checkup/vaccinations, and we were trying to
get him to sleep so we could get some dinner for ourselves. It
was 6:00 p.m. and who was ringing our bell and banging on the
door? Cousin, who had picked up his daughter from choir practice
and "just happened to see your lights on." My husband
told him it was really bad timing since we were just sitting down
to eat, etc., but Cousin refused to take the hint. He kept talking
for about 15 minutes or so before he left. Is there any remedy
for these people? Personally I do not know anyone who just stops
by unannounced at someone else's house. I was raised to believe
that was very rude. Am I out of touch? Please advise how to handle
such visits in the future. As working parents, any time we have
with our baby before he goes to sleep for the night is precious.
I do not feel we should be pressed into acting as hosts when we
haven't even had a chance to change out of our work clothes or
gotten something to eat.
Sincerely,
Tired of Playing Hostess
Dear Tired of Playing Hostess,
We think it's time to Level With Them. They're
being Pushy, Intrusive, and Rude, and if all they're going to
do is Sit Down and Read Your Newspaper and Keep an Eye on Their
Kids, well, gee, they really don't need to be doing either of
those things at Your House. In general, while we understand that
some people Really Don't Mind when people just "Stop Over"
Unannounced, we always call first. Even those people
who've told us, "Really, don't bother to call! Just show
up whenever!" occasionally Get Sick, have Houseguests, or
simply don't feel like Having Visitors, and it's not going to
kill us to phone in advance and ask if they'll be around in the
Afternoon, since we're going to be in the Neighborhood and we
have a Wee Birthday Gift we'd like to Drop Off. C'mon, we all
have Cell 'Phones now—there's hardly any excuse not to Call!
Your husband's cousin could easily take 30 seconds to telephone
you from the Church Parking Lot before he and his family show
up on Your Doorstep. Also, even if one has been given the Green
Light to Just Stop Over, it's rather inconsiderate for one to
do so at Inconvenient Hours, such as Mealtimes, Late at Night,
At the Crack of Dawn, etc. And there is especially no excuse for
bothering the parents of a New Baby with Spontaneous Visits!
Here's what to do: The next time they try this,
say, "I'm sorry, but as you know, we have a Small Baby [hold
up Small Baby], and it's not working for us to have so many Spontaneous
Visitors. It's affecting his Sleep Patterns. It's great that you
attend church so close to here, but we must ask that in the future,
you call first before stopping over. We're asking all of our friends
and family to do this, and so far everyone has completely understood,
and we hope you will, too." Hopefully they will Take This
Hint. If not, well, you might have to be Un Peu More Blunt: "I'm
sorry, but I thought we explained that we would appreciate a call
in advance before you come over. This really is a bad
time; if you'd only called first we could have saved you a trip.
Please excuse me, I have to go back inside to finish feeding the
baby."
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Darling EGs,
I have been aware that the state of etiquette
has been shifting recently, but it wasn't until I actually did
see someone wearing a tube top at a funeral did I realize what
the world has come to. Bear in mind this was also in February
in Indiana!
What is the difference between a funeral and
a memorial service? What attire is appropriate for each respective
occasion? I realize that it's hard to go wrong with conservative
and dark, but I was wondering if black was absolutely de rigueur.
Cordially,
Irish
Dear Irish,
Heavens to Murgatroid! Clearly we will need
to make a Wee Jaunt out to Indiana, find the Tube-Top Wearer,
and make her write, "I will not wear revealing clothing to
Funerals, or, indeed, any type of Church Service, or, indeed,
ANYWHERE" 500 times on the Blackboard!
But we digress. The difference between a Funeral
and a Memorial Service is that the deceased is present at a Funeral,
but not at a Memorial Service. They are both Solemn Occasions,
and yes, we think Wearing Black is absolutely the Best Choice
for both of them.
Very sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Thanks for all of the great advice! Loved the
book, can't wait for the next one! My friends and I have a problem,
and we aren't sure how to address it. We have a friend who organizes
large get-togethers for birthdays in our group, and whenever the
bill comes, she conveniently disappears into the ladies' room.
How can we get her to pay her fair share of the bill? We are rather
tired of paying for her share of food and beverages, as she works,
and some of us are still seeking employment. One of the group
suggested that we should ask for separate checks, but then we
aren't "treating" the guest of honor. Any suggestions
would be most welcome. Thanks!
Freeloader's Friend
Dear Freeloader's Friend,
Well, just because the Bill comes when she's
in the Powder Room doesn't mean you need to Pay It before she
comes back. She can't hide in there forever, so just have another
cup of coffee, and as soon as she arrives back at the table, say
something like, "Now that Sally's back, let's settle the
check."
Or, you could just stop inviting her to go out
with you. Cheapskates are No Fun at All!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Question: Is it appropriate to send cash, to
a widow with children, in a sympathy card? My husband says no,
but I think that it is okay. Awaiting your reply.
Thanks,
M.A.
Dear M.A.,
Where are the Smelling Salts? The EGs have just
Keeled Over with Horror!
When someone passes away, you may send a note
containing only one thing: Your Condolences. If you wish to send
a Mass Card, that is acceptable also. But no cash, checks, gift
certificates, Traveler's Cheques, etc. It would be highly, highly
inappropriate, Dear Reader!! It's admirable that you wish to help
support the widow and her family, but this is not the way to do
so. (And may we suggest that there are probably more tactful,
and more helpful, ways to offer assistance to the family than
simply handing them cash? You could volunteer to baby-sit the
children or cook dinner once a week, or, if you work in a profession
whose services could benefit the family, offer to, say, prepare
their tax returns gratis.)
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Grrls,
I have a small question on behalf of a dear
friend. We are both students at a darling university in Australia.
She, as an international student, resides on campus in the student
village. However, she is having problems with a boy. He, too,
lives in the village, and is forever at her house making a nuisance
of herself whilst she tries to study. However, recently he has
started being extremely affectionate towards her, "pawing"
at her all the time and forcing attention upon her that she is
anything but interested in. He says he is doing this because she
reminds him of his girlfriend back home. She is repulsed by his
actions but does not want to seem rude as she is his only real
friend in the village. (Personally, I can see why he doesn't have
many others.) Please help!
Yours,
Studious in Terra Australis
Dear Studious,
"She reminds him of his girlfriend back
home," is his excuse to "paw" at her?? Holy Mary,
Mother of God! Your friend, Dear Reader, needs to Put Her Foot
Down and tell this Ruffian that she will not put up with such
Horrid Behavior! Now, it's unfortunate that he doesn't have any
Other Friends, and commendable that she is trying to be especially
nice to him because of that, but honestly, one of the nicest things
she could possibly do for this Misguided, Rude Boy is to Set Him
Straight. He is never going to make any more friends if he insists
on treating them this poorly. One is Not Allowed to behave like
this! Furthermore, if one is Away at School and has a Girlfriend
Somewhere Else, one does not act this disrespectfully toward one's
Far-Away Girlfriend! Break up, already! But we digress. We think
your friend would be doing an Enormous Good Deed if she explained
to This Boy that 1) he does not "paw" at a Lady, EVER;
2) particularly when she is His Friend and has no Romantic Interest
in him whatsoever; 3) even more particularly, when he has a Girlfriend;
and 4) that while she hopes they will remain friends (if indeed
she wishes to do so), he cannot impose upon Her Hospitality the
way he has been, as it is Affecting Her Studies. If he still doesn't
Get the Picture, Dear Reader, she should talk to the House-Parent,
Resident Advisor, or whoever supervises her house or the village,
and make them aware that a Creepy, Persistent Boy is Pestering
Her.
Yours sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I live in a college dorm, and I share it with
one other girl whom I get along with well. However, she has a
fiancé whom I Do Not Care For At All. There had been many
Loud Noisy Fusses between us due to the fact that he seemed to
think that since I room with his fiancée I have to put
up with him At Any Given Time, up to and including having him
in the dorm when I need to study for a test, shower, dress, or
simply sleep. I finally became Quite Upset after an episode where
he turned off my computer and made me lose most of a paper, and
so went to the Hall Director and got both of them in trouble for
how he's been behaving. Since then he's greatly backed off, for
which I am grateful. However, since the last outburst he has written
me a Rather Snide Letter (which he left in a hidden place, most
likely so that his girlfriend would not know about said letter)
in which he has complained I have taken his rights away to be
able to act as he pleases in the dorm, complains about the sacrifices
made to live near his fiancée (when he had a good job and
resources back in his home town) and insists that I make a Decision
set in stone about whether I would like him around or not. Personally,
I would rather be hit in the head with a large rock than have
to deal with him and his attitude and have resorted since the
last argument to Ignoring His Presence Completely. Should I keep
ignoring him, as he has informed me ignoring is the same as saying
No? I have tried being courteous with him but he's a Total Boor.
Sincerely,
I Only Asked For One Roommate
Dear I Only Asked,
Apparently it's Dorm Life Week! But we digress.
Of COURSE you only asked for One Roommate! We think this Dreadful
Boy sounds vile indeed, but we also wonder what the heck Your
Roommate is thinking. She's the one who should be telling This
Fiancé of Hers that he ought to respect Her Roommate's
Privacy. We love how he says you're infringing upon his rights—excuse us? That's the most ridiculous thing we've ever heard!
Um, NOBODY has the right to "act as he pleases" in a
Dorm! Dorms are communal living spaces, and everyone living there
absolutely must be respectful of the Other Residents, even if
that sort of Cramps One's Style! It might have pleased the EGs
to toss Our Roommate's Tori Amos CD out the window of our Freshman-Year
Dorm Room after she played it Non-Stop for Three Months, but did
we do that? No! And while it's all Well and Good to Make Personal
Sacrifices in order to Be With One's Beloved, the fact that one
chose to do so does not give one the right to Camp Out in Her
Dorm Room 24/7, infringing upon Her Roommate's Privacy. Hell,
Dear Reader, OF COURSE you don't want him around! We think you
ought to show the Snide Letter to Your Roommate (she ought to
be aware Her Fiancé is pulling stunts like leaving you
Hidden Letters), and tell her that while you get along fine with
her, you just can't deal with Her Fiancé, and some Rules
Need to Be Set. That's a discussion that should only involve you
and Your Roommate, since you're the ones sharing the room—her
fiancé should absolutely not be there or have any input
into what you come up with. If all else fails, Dear Reader, go
back to the Hall Director. Maybe they have a nice, quiet Single
you can move into?
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
I have a somewhat complicated question. I have
a friend who had recently graduated from college, and although
we don't often see one another (because I'm still in school),
I still consider her to be a good friend. She is engaged to be
married, and has been for a few years. I know she's getting married.
I know the date and place the ceremony will take place. She has
spoken of her wedding plans in front of me. We have even discussed
the possibility of my taking part in the ceremony.
A few weeks ago, I heard that she is now having
financial difficulties and is looking to scale the wedding back.
Her method, I heard (from the wedding planner), is to invite fewer
people to the wedding itself, to spare cost on the reception afterward.
I have tried telephoning my friend to speak with her about her
plans, but I have received no answer. I have not yet received
an invitation to the wedding, which is only a few weeks away.
I would be hurt if I were not invited, but more than that I would
like to know either way so I can make plans accordingly.
My question is twofold: 1. Should I feel slighted
if I am not invited? Obviously, it would help if my friend would
speak to me about it but I'm not holding my breath. 2. Should
I still give the couple a gift?
Thanks in advance,
(Ex?) Friend of the Bride
Dear (Ex?) Friend of the Bride,
We hate to say it, but if the wedding is really just a few weeks
away and you haven't yet received an invitation, you probably
aren't going to be invited. Furthermore, it wouldn't be the Best
Idea to call up your friend and ask, because no matter how you
phrase it, it's probably going to sound like you're demanding
an invitation. This could put her in a Terribly Awkward Position—if she invites you, does it mean that in fairness, she needs to
invite 10 other members of Your Social Circle in order not to
Play Favorites? It's a shame that she discussed things with you
beforehand, making it seem like you would definitely be invited,
but if her Financial Circumstances have changed, she may just
be Embarrassed to have to tell you that she needed to Cut Back.
(Might we just interject that it's rather Bad Form of the Wedding
Planner to be Gossiping About One of Her Clients? Tsk, tsk.)
Remember, everyone has the right to have as
small a Wedding as they please. It really wasn't the nicest thing
for her to make you think you'd be invited but then change her
mind, but there may be a Very Good Reason—we would not make
any assumptions at this point about it being a Slight Toward You
in Particular. Of course, if you find out afterward that the Wedding
was a Giant, Lavish Affair, attended by many people the bride
met Just Last Week, then that would be a Different Story. Should
you get her a Gift? Well, you don't have to, naturally; but it's
always perfectly proper to send a gift to a couple who are getting
married but have not invited you to the wedding because their
celebration will be very small. It's up to you, Dear Reader.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
I am often required to attend dinners with, for lack of a better
term, associates. Generally, these people are campaign donors,
voters, and other people who generally have more money than sense.
At any rate, on behalf of my employer, I am supposed to not only
endure an evening with these clods, but also "make a good
impression." The problem is that I do not eat dessert (for
no particular reason except that I do not care for sugary things),
and most restaurants assume that no right-thinking person would
choose to eat fruit unless it is somehow slathered in something
sugary. This creates an uncomfortable situation, because everyone
else at the table generally wants dessert, but they are unwilling
to order anything if I just order coffee. I generally end up ordering
something, then not eating it, which is another set of problems.
This may seem trivial, but I am in the business of perception,
and causing people the slightest discomfort can be bad for my
employer. I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter.
C.
Dear C.,
Wow, this is Rather Silly Behavior on behalf
of Your Dining Companions. An analogous situation happens all
too frequently—everyone in a group at a restaurant wants
dessert, but no one, for some bizarre reason, is willing to Admit
This and Actually Order Something, because they think they will
look Greedy. This is so silly! You're all adults—if you
want Dessert, get Dessert! It's nothing to be ashamed of—
you're in a Nice Restaurant, for Goodness' Sake! And similarly,
if someone Really Just Wants Coffee, for whatever reason, don't
make an issue of it. As the EGs have always said, Food Issues
are not a Polite Topic of Dinner Conversation, and no one should
either spout off their own beliefs ("You shouldn't be eating
that!!! All the Fat and Sugar will Kill You!") or quiz someone
else about their beliefs ("Why in the world are you only
having Coffee? Is Something Wrong With You?")
We're assuming you probably don't have the luxury
of Finding New Dining Companions who won't Make an Issue of This,
since this is a business-related situation. At some point, Dear
Reader, you need to Cut Your Losses—wouldn't it just be easier
to order something? Why not say something when ordering along
the lines of, "I'm just going to have ONE tiny bite of it,
but I'll have the Key Lime Pie." That way, everyone else
can go ahead and order, and you really do not have to finish the
dessert. Alternately, you could say something to your dining companions
like, "The desserts here are simply amazing. I can't eat
another bite tonight, but someone has to get the Crème
Brulée—it's divine! The Peach Tart is also unbelievably
good." Or you could pretend to Be Still Making Up Your Mind
and encourage others to order before you. But as Annoying as You
May Find It, it might be best just to get some Sorbet or Something,
have a Wee Bite, and Move On. Finally, dare we say, Dear Reader,
that having to sit through meals with people you don't like and
think are "clods" would be a Pretty Good Reason to start
looking for Another Job that didn't involve Such Trials?
With all good wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Hello, What a great site! I teach in an elementary
school and I used some information from it for our "Etiquette
Day" with our third and second graders. I have read through
your wedding archive and since I have six to go to between May
and August, I could really use some advice. First of all, what
should someone wear to a Sunday afternoon wedding with a religious
service? It will be held at 3 p.m. on Memorial Day weekend. I
have a nice sundress with a matching cardigan, but I am not sure.
There will no guests at the other weddings who would have seen
this before. This dress would be appropriate for the other weddings.
Secondly, I have received a save the date card, and it was addressed
to only me, so I assume I am not to bring a date. A friend also
invited is planning on bringing her significant other, even though
her S.T.D. ( please tell me there is a better way to abbreviate
that... I just realized what it looks like) was addressed to her
alone. Lastly, can you send a gift for a wedding you were not
invited to without it seeming to the couple like you are fishing
for an invite? A college friend is having a small ceremony, and
I would like to acknowledge it with a gift. I appreciate any advice
you could give me.
Thank you,
Six Times the Charm
Dear Six Times the Charm,
May we just say that we LOVE the idea of Your
School having "Etiquette Day"? So many Small Children
aren't taught any Proper Manners at all from Their Parents (who,
of course, really should be Setting a Good Example so the Wee
Ones can learn all about Thank-You Notes and Introductions and
Good Table Manners). It's absolutely admirable for Your School
to address this! Hurrah, Dear Reader!
Now, on to your questions. We have to say, Dear
Reader, that something about the word "sundress" makes
us Un Peu Nervous about how appropriate it would be to wear to
a Church Service. Sundresses are usually lovely, but some of them
tend to look Very Casual, and it's usually better to err on the
side of Formality when one is dressing for a Wedding (or any other
Solemn Celebration that Takes Place in a Church). If, on the other
hand, you just mean, say, a pretty Sheath Dress in a Springy Color,
well, then that would probably be perfectly fine, especially with
a little dressy cardigan or wrap over it. (The EGs aren't too
keen on Bare Shoulders in Church, to Put It Mildly.) We're just
worried that if the sundress is the sort of dress you'd wear to
a Casual Picnic, it might not be Quite the Thing for this occasion.
Well, we're not sure about whether or not you
could bring a date. Obviously it's best to assume you can't, than
to invite someone only to have to explain that because Your Invitation
did not say "and Guest," he suddenly can't Accompany
You. However, the Save the Date Card is not the Actual Invitation.
(And you're right, Dear Reader, "Save the Date" shouldn't
be Abbreviated! Oh, Dear!) You and Your Friend very well may both
receive Invitations addressed to you "and Guest." So,
Dear Reader, we'd hold off on making any plans until the Real
Invitation Arrives. What would be a Smart Idea, though, would
be to have a Conversation with Your Friend in which you bring
up the fact that You Can't Just Bring a Date to a Wedding Unless
That Person is Specifically Invited.
Finally, as we said above, it is always Perfectly
Proper to send a gift to someone who is Getting Married, even
if you are not invited to Their Wedding. The key thing to do is
to mail it very close to the Wedding Date and include a lovely
note with it, which will make it clear you are not Fishing for
An Invitation: "Dear Sally and Herbert, I wish you every
happiness on your wedding day and always. When I saw this in a
tiny antique shop on Charles Street, I thought of you two and
just had to send it along. I'll be on Cape Cod with my family
on the 22nd, but I'll be hoping Denver has perfect weather, and
I will be thinking of you. With best wishes, Emily." The
Bride and Groom will probably be genuinely touched by your gesture,
and grateful to have such a thoughtful friend.
As ever,
The Etiquette Grrls
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