The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: November
2002
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I beg you to reconsider your stand on baby showers.
Every baby deserves to be cherished and treasured and welcomed into
the world. The first baby has a baby book with a shower section
full of pictures and guests' names. All subsequent babies have blank
pages. How does that make them feel. It's not about the gifts. It's
about that particular baby coming into the world and joining a family.
Polly
Dear Polly,
We're sticking with Tradition here-- it is simply
not appropriate to have a shower for any baby other than a mother's
First Child. Furthermore, we have a Few Quibbles avec Your Logic:
1) The fact that people come to a shower does
NOT necessarily mean the baby will be "cherished and treasured"
by all of those people. We've heard of Greedy Showers that have
something like 200 people in attendance. There is No Way in Hell
such events are About Welcoming the Baby.
2) Moreover, as a relative or friend of a Wee
One's Mom, you are by no means prohibited from expressing your happiness
about the Wee One's Arrival if there is no shower for it! On the
contrary, the EGs think a personal visit from a Dear Friend after
the baby is born, or a nice hand-written note, means A Great Deal
More than the fact that someone Showed Up at a Shower.
3) If you think a page in a scrapbook is enough
to make a kid feel cherished, well, Dear Reader, that's Hogwash.
Same thing for a shower-- it's one event vs. many more important
experiences in the kid's life. And we certainly hope that by the
time any child is old enough to appreciate his baby scrapbook, he
will have learned that he is, truly, a loved and cherished member
of the family by the way other family members have acted toward
him throughout His Young Life. If he doesn't get that, Dear Reader,
no shower, and certainly no scrapbook page, is going to make a Bit
of Difference.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear EGs,
I have just discovered your website on recommendation
from my favorite roommate/friend, and have a burning question for
you that desperately needs answering.
My favorite roommate/friend and I are two out
of four female graduate students sharing an apartment in Boston.
This is the second year that said roommate and I have lived together,
and this new school year brought with it two new roommates: to preserve
any small amount of dignity they may have we'll call them Spacey
and Malaise. (If this is any indication of what's to come, please
stick with me.) Anyhow, said roommate and myself are very clean
(read: anal) and prompt about paying our bills (rent and utilities).
The two roommates we lived with last year were pretty much the same,
so things worked out okay. But with the arrival of Spacey and Malaise,
all fiscal hell has broken loose. I just found out today that Malaise
has bounced her third rent check in a row (fave roommate got the
voicemail message and immediately dialed my direct extension at
work with the news). Also, Spacey, though a 24-year-old graduate
student, goes home to mommy and daddy's house every weekend--and
last week, for the second time, she "forgot" to write
out her rent check before she left, so we were stuck making excuses
for her to our landlord. Now, our landlord is generally acknowledged
to be a total waste of skin, but did not raise our rent this year
because we were great tenants who always paid rent on time. Now
I fear that things may change, and that Spacey and Malaise are ruining
things for me and fave roommate for the future! Is there an eloquent
(and legal) way to ask these two rent-resisters to vacate the apartment?
We are really at our wits end. Fave roommate and I work full-time,
attend graduate school full-time, produce a graduate literary journal
(on virtually no budget), pay all of our bills on time, and still
manage to fulfill our cleaning duties every week, while Spacey and
Malaise do not work at all, or do... well, anything. Please help!
Fiscally Frustrated in Boston
Dear Fiscally Frustrated,
Oh, dear. Spacey and Malaise sound like Perfectly
Horrid, Spoiled Brats! We regret that we may not be able to help
you-- this sounds like more of a Legal Question than an Etiquette
Question, and while the EGs at one far, far, FAR distant time considered
taking the LSAT, we are well over that urge, Thank God. We suggest
you take a look at Your Lease, and talk to the Off-Campus Housing
Office at your school-- they can probably let you know if you can
give Spacey and Malaise their Walking Papers. Once you know if you
can legally Boot Them Out, then we'd be happy to help you break
the news to them avec Style.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I'm having trouble grasping the idea of the Icy
Glare. Could you explain how to do it properly? Or maybe give me
an example of how it's done?
Not So Icy
Dear Not So Icy,
Why, certainly! The Icy Glare is really not difficult
at all, Dear Reader. If one is sufficiently Mad about something,
it tends to come naturally. The EGs have long recommended asking
a Nun, a Teacher, or a Librarian for an Example-- these people have
the Icy Glare down! But really, Dear Reader, it's easy. EGL's kittens
have even picked it up! Here's Oscar expressing the fact that he
would Prefer Not to Be Photographed Right Now:
Now, if a sweet six-month old kitten can do the
Icy Glare, Dear Reader, you can too!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Just when you thought the bridal registry couldn't
get any worse....
Jordana
Dear Jordana,
JUMPING JESUS. The EGs have always thought American
Express is Rather Evil, but Dear God, WHY?? WHY???? Oh, Dear Reader,
the EGs need a Big Damn Brioche and a Good Stiff Drink!
Sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Esteemed Grrls,
How can one handle a party pooper?
I don't mean someone that habitually turns down
invitations. I mean someone that wrecks festive atmospheres and
convivial moments by loud remarks of cynicism and sarcasm, to wit:
Ms. Partygoer: Droxine, your husband doesn't seem
too upset by your recent fender-bender!
Droxine (with her husband right there): Nah. You
know, he is a really nice guy.
Ms Party Pooper: Oh God! Listen to her! She must
want some jewelry or something! I just want to puke!
Etc., etc., you get the idea.
It seems that clever rejoinders and witty repartee
are shared among people having an equally good time. But when a
partygoer cannot abide happy feelings, it seems nothing can be said.
Your worldly views would be greatly appreciated.
Stymied
Dear Stymied,
Oooh, this one is Easy: Stop Inviting Her to Your
Parties. Problem Solved!
Fondly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am in dispute with my mother-in-law over this.
Every time there is a family or friend event where gifts are expected,
she wants us to tell her how much money that person gave us for
our wedding, so she "knows" how much to give them. I think
this is not only tacky, but ignorant of her to expect us to tell
her this information. She thinks she's entitled to know how much
people gave us since she paid for the honeymoon. Help me please.
Newlywed
Dear Newlywed,
WHAT? Obviously she's Un Peu Deranged. We think
Your Husband should have a chat avec His Mother and tell her that
you think this is Inappropriate, Tacky, and More than A Little Demeaning.
Otherwise, anytime she asks you, a good response would be, "I
don't remember."
As ever,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What do you think of That Company that makes Jewelry
out of People's Ashes?
Just Wondering
Dear J.W.,
EEEEEEEWWWW! "Beulah, you haven't inherited
Grandmother's String of Pearls, but you have inherited Grandmother
AS a String of Pearls!" That is Creepy, Vile, and Nightmarish,
and whoever had the Brilliant Idea to do this in the first place
ought to be sentenced to Hard Labor.
Most sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Thanks so much for your efforts towards making
the world a little less rude. I am writing you because of an issue
I am having with my neighbors. I am a university student living
in a house that is split into three apartments. My upstairs neighbors
have a habit of bringing shopping carts home. They have quite a
nice collection in the back yard, which so far has been only a slight
nuisance because it is out of sight. However this morning I woke
up to find a shopping cart on the front lawn! Although I cannot
prove that it was my neighbors to the north who left the cart there,
it is, none the less, the last straw. I was thinking of writing
them a note to the effect of:
Dearest upstairs neighbors,
I regret to inform you that I have had your
shopping carts returned to their rightful owners. I realize that
you must have been dearly attached to them and I feel only the
deepest sympathy for your loss. I only hope that I have not caused
you too much pain.
Sincerely,
Your downstairs neighbor
Now I realize that this would be rude, but is
it not deserved? Should I just perform the service sans sarcasm?
Your opinion would be appreciated.
Student Ghetto Resident
Dear Student Ghetto Resident,
Hee, hee! "I realize that you must have been
dearly attached to them and I feel only the deepest sympathy for
your loss"? Oh, Dear Reader, your sarcasm strikes quite a Familiar
Chord avec the EGs! However, we feel we must counsel you not to
write the note, exquisitely phrased as it may be. We presume you
have A Yearlong Lease, and, Dear Reader, do you really want to Start
a Feud with the Upstairs Neighbors? It could Get Ugly, and there
are still several months between now and the End of the Academic
Year! The Upstairs Neighbors clearly have No Respect for Shared
Property (e.g., the Front Yard), so we fear, Dear Reader, that Your
Note might just provoke them to further Displays of Tackiness and
Rudeness. They might put A Couch in the Yard! They might put a neon
Budweiser sign on the Porch! And they might just do Something Worse,
like scratch up Your Car with Their Keys. So, we suggest that you
get Other People Involved, and Keep a Low Profile about it. Call
Your Landlord, and insist that he Read the Riot Act to the Folks
Upstairs. While we understand, and are absolutely sympathetic to
your urge to Be Sarcastic, we think the More Pragmatic Course of
Action is to make Your Landlord be the Bad Guy.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
This year I decided to take our boring family
Thanksgiving into my own hands. I have been planning a VBT of my
very own. I have been so excited, planning the appetizers from your
list as well as a few of my own favorites. I LOVE to entertain and
cook. Of course at the top of my list were a few wine selections
and a large bottle of Bombay S. as well as other favorites with
mixers. Unfortunately I have just been informed that my dear brother,
who will be attending, has just announced an addiction problem and
is in a program which allows no booze. Well, as shocking as this
was and as concerned as I am, I am wondering if you have any suggestions
for a very unboozy thanksgiving. It was really going to be a small
affair anyway and I don't think anyone will mind. I can certainly
have a very boozy Christmas instead. Hints? Help?
One Sad Hostess
Dear One Sad Hostess,
Why, we think you could have a Fun, Festive Party
with Swell Guests, Lots of Yummy Appetizers, and No Booze At All!
It wouldn't quite be A VBT, but it can still be a Smashing Lot of
Fun. You're not doomed to an Evening of Drinking Coca-Cola from
the Can! Bring out your Best Barware anyway-- Cranberry Juice and
Seltzer Water with a Wee Twist of Lime can look just as elegant
as a Cosmopolitan. Why not look through some Vintage Cookbooks for
some recipes for Non-Alcoholic Drinks? Our 1924 (read: Prohibition
Era) Edition of Emily Post's Etiquette suggests orange juice mixed
with ginger ale, or white grape juice mixed with ginger ale, garnished
with fresh crushed mint leaves and served over ice. (These might
be a bit summery, but you get the idea, Dear Reader.)
We hope you have a Wonderful Holiday!
Regards,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Girls,
Well, the spirit of the holidays is completely
gone and the turkey hasn't even been carved! I just received a Christmas
wish list from my sister-in-law's newborn. Yes, she is registered
online for her first Christmas. This is not to be confused with
the baby shower registry or the christening registry!
My husband has 14 nieces and nephews and, while
we'd love to shower them all with gifts throughout the year, we
just can't.
Is there any polite way to ask that we no longer
receive e-mail gift lists or should I continue to bite my tongue
and mix the gallons of G&T's to get through the holidays?
By the way, we don't have children yet and this
year we're adopting a family and hoping to make their holiday special.
Is it in poor taste to send a note to our families letting them
know that in lieu of gifts that this is what we're doing? We don't
see his family during the holidays so not sure if this is even worth
it....
Am I a Scrooge?
Dear Am I a Scrooge?
Of COURSE you're not A Scrooge! Don't be Ridic!
Rather, we think your sister-in-law is Completely Out of Her Mind!
HER NEWBORN IS REGISTERED FOR CHRISTMAS? And was registered for
Her Christening?? Holy Mary, Mother of God! When will This Madness
Stop?!? The EGs would like to Remind Our Dear Readers that if you
receive any notice of a Registry from ANYONE, for ANY occasion,
you are always free to Ignore It. ALWAYS. The EGs cannot stress
this enough.
Here's what you should do: Get Your Husband to
discuss this situation with His Family. It sounds like it's High
Time for everybody to pick a different person's name out of a hat
and buy that person one present. If, for some Inexplicable Reason,
they want to keep having Every Single Person buy gifts for Every
Other Person, you're going to have two choices. First, you could
tell them all to See You In Hell, but that probably wouldn't be
nice, especially at Christmas. Second, you could give small presents
to everyone-- each family could receive a batch of Christmas Cookies,
for example. (We really like this idea-- it should remind people
that Gift-Giving is not about Spending a Lot of Money.)
Finally, while we think your idea of giving gifts
to a Family in Need is Lovely, we've always thought it's best to
keep one's charitable giving Private. We know you aren't trying
to be Holier-Than-Thou or Smug, Dear Reader, but sometimes, things
like that can come across that way. The fact that you're buying
gifts for a Poor Family is totally unrelated to the issue of How
You'll Exchange Gifts (or not) with Your Husband's Family, so it's
best not to speak of it to them.
With best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have a small problem, and I am hoping you can
help me.
For the past few weeks, I've been dating a young
lady and things are not working out. She has expressed that she
is more interested than am I. Normally, this would not be a problem,
I would simply express my feelings (or lack thereof) and leave it
at that. There is, however, a question of timing.
She has invited me to a formal event, work-related,
next weekend. My question is, do I break things off now and possibly
leave her without a date, or go with her to the event and then break
things off? I can see pros and cons to each course of action, and
I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.
Regards,
JCH
Dear JCH,
Break it off NOW.
It will be Much, Much Worse if you Accompany Her
to the Event, then Break Up With Her. This is why: at the event,
you're going to meet lots of the Girl's Work Associates. The next
time they see her, they're probably going to say something like,
"It was great to meet JCH! He seems so sweet, and so nice!"
She, then, will need to reply, "Yeah, well, we just Broke Up,"
or, worse, to mutter something Vague and change the subject. Trust
the EGs, no one wants to be in that position. We're sure you will
handle the Breakup in a Respectful Manner, and as part of that,
you might say something like, "Of course, I realize I've already
accepted your invitation to your company's party. I'd still be happy
to escort you as a friend, if you would like that." She probably
won't take you up on it, but if she does, she'll then have the option
of saying, pointedly, "This is my FRIEND, JCH" when she
introduces you to Her Colleagues.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Women of Wisdom:
The other day, a co-worker whom I am friendly
with told me she wanted to speak to me in private. She then told
me that when I wear my shoulder length hair back in a ponytail it
makes me look "old" (I am 40). I didn't know how to respond
- I was shocked. I made light of it, and don't intend to do anything
differently, but now, every time I wear my hair this way, I will
not feel great about it, especially since I don't believe it to
be true. How should I have handled this?
Hardly Over the Hill
Dear Hardly Over the Hill,
WHAT?!? That's Horrible! We're glad you're not
going to do anything differently-- no one should take the Opinion
of a Rude Idiot seriously! The NERVE of her!
It might be nice to take her aside and say, "You
know, Tiffani, when you tell people they look 'old,' it makes you
look Terribly Rude. [Pause] Oh, wait, you are Terribly Rude."
But we'd settle for treating her with Civil Coldness (you know,
the "I am speaking Civilly to You because I am the Bigger Person,
and because We Are At Work, but I am not going to spend one single
moment with you voluntarily" approach).
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What should the outgoing message on my answering
machine say? I'd rather not have my name, but just stating the number
sounds so formal.
Stacy
Dear Stacy,
Why, there's nothing wrong with Formality! We
recommend, "Hello, this is 555-1212. No one is able to take
your call at them moment, but please leave a message." (Note
that this does not reveal Your Name and is ambiguous as to Whether
You Live Alone, making it Ideal for the Female Apartment Dweller
Sans Roommates.)
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
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