The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: September
2002
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I currently live in a three-bedroom home with
two other females. Two of us will be traveling out of state for
the Thanksgiving holiday. The third roommate has invited her family
to visit and stay at our house. Is it improper for roommate number
three to invite six of her family members to stay in our home and
sleep in our beds while we out of town?
Becky
P.S. The house only has one full bath!
Dear Becky,
Good heavens, that's Quite Presumptuous of Your
Roommate! Hell, no, we do NOT think that is okay, particularly if
Your Roommate did not even ask Your Permission before offering someone
Your Bed! The best option would be for her guests to stay in a local
hotel or motel. Six houseguests is Quite a Lot, particularly if
there is only one Full Bath in the house... even if you had given
her Express Permission, those are more people than some B&Bs
can Comfortably Handle. If the guests absolutely must stay at your
house, you are totally and completely within Your Rights to insist
they stay out of Your Bedroom. Your entire bedroom, not just Your
Bed! We wouldn't want someone's Nosy Kid Sister poking around in
Our Jewelry Box, thank you very much. If Your Roommate wants to
let a couple of them take Her Bedroom, that's fine, but as for the
rest, they should be sleeping on the Living Room Couches. Or, failing
that, the Living Room Floor. Tell Your Rude Roommate that it's too
bad, but she should have checked with you first before telling her
guests they could sleep in Your Bed, because it is Not Okay With
You. (It probably wouldn't be a Bad Idea to get a Wee Lock for Your
Bedroom Door.)
The Nerve of Some People! When's Your Lease up,
Dear Reader? We'd suggest you find Une Autre Roommate ASAP.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
The spring racing season is nigh (in the southern
hemisphere) and my thoughts have turned to hats to go with my racing
outfit. While your Q&A column has discussed general hat etiquette,
I recently came across this thing called "the red hat rule"
stating that women under the age of 50 shouldn't wear red hats.
While I have no intention of wearing a red hat, I'm just wondering
whether such rules actually exist, and being 25, should I follow
any colour or style hat etiquette?
Thank you and best regards,
Mary
Dear Mary,
The only Red Hat the EGs would go Anywhere Near,
at Any Time, is Red Hat Linux, which we think is Rather Keen. (Yes,
the EGs have Quite the Techie Geek Streak.) All other Red Hats sound
Just Plain Dreadful, and we wouldn't be Caught Dead In Them.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Your website is excellent, as it provides Witty
and Useful Etiquette. I am pleased to see such fine people attempting
to help people and better our manners. This is one of the best sites!
My Father is from Central America, from a Certain
Spanish Country. Therefore, my Last Name is different. It sounds
perfectly fine in Spanish, but in English sounds like two Very Unattractive
Words.
My question is, what can I do about people who
make jokes about it, ask me dozens of questions about my ethnicity
and background, or say, "Hey, your name sounds like ____ __"
as if I am Too Stupid to have Realized that already? Some of my
Friends tell me to Lighten Up, It Is Just A Joke, but I'm Sick and
Tired of having to say things like, "Yes, I know," and
"Thank you for telling me." Usually they don't notice
the Icy Glare™. Should I just keep my feelings to myself or
do I have a right to feel Quite Miffed?
No Last Name
Dear No Last Name,
Oh, Dear Reader, isn't it sad that you can't stop
People In General (P.I.G.) from Saying Idiotic Things? It makes
one just want to Smack Strangers Upside the Head! (Which would,
of course, be Terribly Rude... but one does WANT to Smack Them.)
The Icy Glare™ (tee hee! We LOVE the ™!), when done
correctly, should make Rude People want to Curl Up and Die like
the Nasty Slugs they are. Try practicing in a mirror, or ask a Nun,
Teacher, or Librarian for Pointers. We think your replies are Splendid;
we'd add two more: "Gee, that has Never, Ever Occurred to me!"
and "Well, that's nice, but as I just said, it's pronounced
_______." In answer to your last question-- you have Every
Right to be Quite Miffed! The EGs are Quite Miffed on Your Behalf!
Thank you for complimenting us on Our Site!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am not going to be able to attend an upcoming
wedding but would like to send a check to the couple. Do I include
a check and a personal note inside the negative RSVP or do I send
a card with the check later, closer to the wedding date?
Pat
Dear Pat,
No, no, no, do not stick a check in your R.S.V.P.
note! The R.S.V.P. goes to the host(s) of the Event-- in most cases,
this is not the Happy Couple. Just imagine-- the Bride's Mom is
probably opening dozens of R.S.V.P. replies every single day...
your check is probably going to get Lost in the Shuffle. And furthermore,
even if you were R.S.V.P.ing to the Bride and Groom instead of the
Bride's Parents, Your Gift to them must be sent Separately, whether
it's a check or a Silver Tea Set.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Ladies of Exquisite Etiquette,
One of my superiors at work frequently brings
clients to our office, and while he introduces the client to his
fellow colleagues I, as his subordinate, am often left sitting there,
with no introduction. He even shows them our copy room, which is
near my desk. This feels awfully rude to me. What to do???
Slighted
Dear Slighted,
How Maddeningly Rude! Not to mention Bizarre--
why on earth is he showing clients the Copy Room? Does he expect
them to Be Impressed by a Couple of Xerox Machines? Does he show
clients the Server Closet and the Messy Office Kitchen, too? He
sounds Perfectly Dreadful, Dear Reader. The next time he's bringing
someone around, we'd say something like, "Good morning, Gregory
[nod to him]; good morning [nod to client]." He should, at
that point, introduce you. If he still doesn't get it... well, Dear
Reader, there's always Monster.com.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
During a recent dinner out, I ordered a dish that
I thought would be meatless, but when it arrived I found it did
have some meat in it. I am a strict vegetarian so this was a bit
upsetting, but fortunately the dish was prepared in such a way that
I could eat around the meat, so I just ate what I could and didn't
let the waiter know that anything was wrong. However, I did tip
15% instead of the usual 20.
When I got home I did some research and found
the mix-up was due to my not understanding one of the ingredients
in the dish I ordered, but I did not know this when I was in the
restaurant.
I know that one should let the waiter know if
something is wrong instead of quietly reducing the tip, but in this
case I wasn't sure if it was my own mistake or a mix-up by the waiter
or the kitchen, and I wasn't quite sure what, if anything, I could
have said to the waiter. Any advice on what I should have done?
A Confused Vegetarian
Dear Confused Vegetarian,
What you should have done is Quite Simple: Always
ask about the preparation of a dish before you order it if there
might be something in it you can't eat. The Poor Waiter is not Omniscient,
and can hardly be expected to ask you, "Are you SURE you want
that? There's a Touch of Chicken Stock in it, and I just have this
FEELING you're a Strict Vegetarian and would be happier with the
Pasta Primavera." If anyone were that Omniscient, Dear Reader,
he'd probably be working as A Psychic, not a Waiter. Please, then,
don't be So Quick to Dock the Waiter's Tip. If you're certain it's
His Fault-- for example, if you ask, he assures you a dish is Vegetarian,
and it turns out to contain meat-- then you could leave a smaller
tip, or even have a word avec the Management. But in this case,
unless you asked, the fault is yours.
With best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Readers,
The EGs have had Distressing Computer Troubles
all weekend! Therefore, we present a few Short and Sweet Responses.
Hope you enjoy... and if anyone can communicate telepathically avec
the Etiquette Laptop, tell it that It Is, In Fact, Plugged In, and
it is Quite Rude of it to shut down, claiming it is Out of Battery
Power. Grrrr.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I saw a woman on the subway yesterday wearing
a White Linen Suit (very tight) and Powder Pink Pumps. It's almost
October... do people have No Sense?
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
No, People Don't. And even if it weren't Almost
October, wearing White Linen on the Subway is just Asking for Trouble.
Sigh.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I must know...are you people for real?
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
Gee. No, it's all a Big Joke that we've been Perpetrating
for a Few Years Now, because the EGs have An Excess of Free Time.
Especially the Book-- hee hee! That was Some Joke, getting Amazon
in on it and everything!
Um, YES, we are For Real.
Toodles,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My query is not so much concerning Etiquette but
Taste. I am thirty years old and adore Chanel No.5. I have worn
it since I was Perhaps A Bit Young For It - my father used to buy
me a bottle in Duty Free every time he travelled abroad on business,
and to this day whenever I go through Duty Free I get a small warm
glow inside and go and buy him something nice, if I can find anything
amongst the odd things that pass for Duty Free in some airports.
Anyway, a Very Stylish American Friend of mine
who is in her forties recently knocked me for six when she pensively
remarked that Chanel No. 5 always reminded her of her grandmother.
Since I regard you as the gurus of all things
Stylish and American, could you give me your thoughts on the matter?
Am I projecting 'I am very, very well-preserved for seventy' every
time I cross The Pond?
Thank you!
Alix
Dear Alix,
True Style is Ageless and Timeless! Even if Your
Perfume reminds someone of Her Grandmother, well, is that not a
compliment to both Her Grandmother and You that you've both chosen
a Classic Scent that has Endured over the years? Heck, Chanel No.
5 reminds us of the Etiquette Grandmothers, too, but that wouldn't
stop us from wearing it-- we wear Our Grandmothers' Jewelry with
pride, so why not their Perfume? Chanel No. 5 might be a Bit Much
on, say, a Teeny-Bopper, but on a Stylish Adult Woman, it's Lovely.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What is the proper way to address a female physician
and her husband in a business letter?
Ecrivaine
Dear Ecrivaine,
In Writing, of course.
Love,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest EGs,
Many thanks for the witty and entertaining site!
I just adore you grrls.
My beloved and adorable husband is going through
something of a style crisis. He recently brought home a number of
"sateen" cotton-poly "dress shirts" in greens,
greys, and blacks. I am somewhat horrified. He was very pleased
with them and showed them to me very excitedly. Now, I usually go
shopping with him, as I have learned long ago that this is the only
way to keep him from committing a faux-pas like the one above. He
somehow got around me this time. Sigh. What can I do to keep him
from making a spectacle of himself? He's so happy with his new wardrobe
and I don't want to hurt his poor tender little feelings. But I
can't let him go around looking like that.
Thank you for your advice,
F.S.
Dear F.S.,
1) Big bottle of Bleach, uncapped, placed precariously
over laundry basket containing These Items.
2) "OOPS!"
Or, Be Brave and just tell him, directly, that
you think they're A Bit Trendy for him. Then Take Him Shopping at
Brooks Brothers.
Thank you for saying such kind things about our
site! And do forgive Our Brevity this week.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
A Tribute to September 11, 2001
Dear Readers,
The Etiquette Grrls cannot believe almost one
year has passed since September 11, 2001. The remembrance services
have already begun, and will continue all week, and we, too, feel
that it would be appropriate for us, in our own Small Way, to Pay
Tribute to the Victims and the Heroes of One Year Ago. All those
who were lost; all friends and family of victims; all the brave
men and women of the Emergency Response Forces and the Military;
and all who witnessed the horrors of that day are, and will continue
to be, in our thoughts and prayers.
Yet this is an Etiquette Column, and the EGs think
it is also fitting for us to keep Our Tribute in context. On this
page, we do our best to answer questions about Proper Behavior--
what is Rude, what is Not, what is Acceptable, what is Frowned Upon,
etc., etc. We sometimes Go On at Length, in Great Detail, but underlying
it all are a few Very Simple Principles. Etiquette is based on Kindness,
Respect for Others (and for One's Self), Common Sense, and an Appreciation
of Tradition-- and all of these values were exhibited in the aftermath
of the Terrorist Attacks. While we are honoring the Victims and
the Heroes of One Year Ago, we think it is also important to recollect
the splendid ways people everywhere rose to the occasion, treating
strangers with Kindness and Respect and Generosity; flying Our Flag
with Pride; immediately doing, and giving, whatever they could simply
because they wanted to help. Of course, we saw all this in response
to an Extraordinary Day-- may nothing else that comes to pass ever
come close to its horror. In our opinion, however, the best way
to honor 9/11/01 would be to show, even on Ordinary Days, the same
Compassion and Consideration that we learned, on 9/11/01, we were
each Capable Of.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
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