The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: September
2003
A
Wee Note from EGL…
Dear Readers,
I have very, very wonderful news to share
with you—My Husband and I are expecting A Baby in February
(February 20, to be exact)! We think it's a Girl (but are only about
90% sure because she was very squirmy during the Ultrasound last
week). So we'll be keeping receipts for anything Pink that we buy,
hee hee. I just wanted to share the news with all of you now that
I'm about halfway through the pregnancy. We are absolutely thrilled!
As ever,
Lesley
P.S. Naturally, this means any reference
to the EGs mixing up a Pitcher of Martinis, etc., is not to be Taken
Literally!
Dear
Etiquette Grrls,
First of let me say how much I adore your Website
and Books! They are definitely making the World a Better Place.
I wish more People would pay attention, so I wouldn't have to relate
the following challenge to you; in the large Canadian city I live
in, many of the young [and not so young] women are walking around
dressed in their Trampy Best, showing bare midriffs at work and
way too much cleavage everywhere! The problem? Trends being what
they are, I'm finding it Challenging to put together a work / play
wardrobe that will fit my tiny Budget and Miniscule Closet, and
will fit in at the small technology firm I work for. I'm aiming
for well-dressed, but not stodgy! Suggestions, or if you have the
time, a list, would be happily received.
Your appreciatively,
Vexed in Vancouver
Dear Vexed,
Oh, Dear Reader, this is not just happening in
Your City. It's happening everywhere, and it's got to stop!! Bare
midriffs at work? Sorry, there's no excuse for that, EVER, no matter
how "casual" your office is.
We understand that if you don't wear a Suit to
work every day, it's more difficult to find clothing that's office-appropriate.
Having to wear a Suit makes it pretty easy! "Business casual"
is more open to Individual Interpretation, sometimes with Disastrous
Results. Our best advice would be to stick with The Basics, pay
a lot of attention to fit, and buy the best quality you can afford.
We did include some ideas for a basic wardrobe in TYNTBT,
but in general, it's kind of hard to say, "EVERYONE needs three
pairs of black pants, two pairs of khaki pants, two straight skirts,
one pleated skirt, etc." For one thing, we don't know if you
like wearing skirts or pants! It's still good to have a few of both
hanging around, but only you can say how many of each will really
work for you. Hence, we didn't put together a shopping list, but
here are some tips on creating a Great Business Casual Wardrobe
on a Budget.
- Yes, if you take a couple hundred dollars
and go shopping, you will be able to buy a lot more individual
pieces at Discount Stores than at Department Stores or Little
Boutiques, but you'll get what you pay for. In the long run, for
example, it's better to get one pair of really well-cut black
pants that fit you perfectly and are made of a nice material even
if they cost the same as three pairs of okay-fitting black pants
from a Discount Store. They'll look better, even if you wear them
more often, and if they're made well, they'll last longer.
- Don't buy only casual clothing. You really
do need to have a Suit on hand. (What if you have a Very Important
Meeting, or if you have to go to A Funeral?) So do budget for
a few Dressier Pieces, but make sure they can be integrated into
your regular wardrobe. A plain black wool gabardine skirt suit,
for example, can be split up—wear the skirt with a sweater
one day, the jacket over a crisp white shirt and khaki pants the
next. A twinset is similarly versatile.
- Don't forget about vintage-clothing stores!
It's a good idea to have a Plain Little Black Dress that can go
from The Office (with a little cardigan over it) to A Dinner Party…
with a little Detective Work you could probably find a really
splendid dress in a Vintage Boutique that would serve this purpose
with ever so much more style than something you grabbed off the
rack at Ann Taylor.
- It's much better to have fewer pieces of
clothing that you actually wear frequently than a lot of things
you've bought even though you're not in love with them just because
you thought they were a good deal. Plus, it makes your closet
less of a Mess.
- Don't be afraid to go into stores you've
previously shunned because you think their Target Audience isn't
quite you (in terms of style or price range). You might find something
Surprisingly Perfect.
- If you make most of your wardrobe Rather Neutral
in Cut and Color (e.g., instead of getting black pants with a
Slight Stripe in the fabric, you might choose a plain fabric instead),
it's then a lot easier to work in a few Bold/Funky/Cool Pieces.
(Plus, they'll stand out more!)
- Shopping for a wardrobe like this becomes
kind of like Detective Work. Some people find this fun—some
find it irritating. However, if you really do want to achieve
a Very Cool Wardrobe on a Very Low Budget, the price is going
to be time and effort.
Good luck, Dear Reader!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
While I have enjoyed your site for many months
now, this is the first time I have had the need to address a question
to you. My question is regarding my upcoming wedding.
My boyfriend recently proposed and we are beginning
to plan our wedding. However, we are having a difficult time deciding
where to get married. I have lived in Washington, DC for five years
now, and my fiancé has lived here for 12 years. His family
is from all over; my family lives 1,500 miles away.
I would love to get married in my hometown, but
I am in grad school and too busy and too broke to fly home for frequent
wedding planning visits. I can't leave it in my mother's hands to
plan because my fiancé and I are paying for most of the wedding—I
don't want my parents to feel like they should help out. And my
mother and I have very different tastes in everything—I fear
leaving any style issues to her.
I love my family and my hometown, but it seems
too difficult to get married there. Is it selfish to want to have
the wedding here, where my fiancé and I live, if it will
be a burden for our guests?
Sincerely,
Torn Between Two Towns
Dear Torn,
You have the right to have your wedding anywhere
you want, whether that's in Your Hometown or on a Mountain Top in
Chile. What you don't have the right to do is expect that 200 people
are going to make a journey to a Remote Location (particularly if
it's expensive for them to do so). As long as you issue your invitations
with Realistic Expectations of how many people will actually be
able to come, you should be fine. Any steps you can take to make
traveling to Washington easier for your immediate family (whom,
we assume, you do really want to be there) would be thoughtful.
Perhaps you can scout out nice-but-inexpensive hotels, for example,
and block off some rooms there, or perhaps you can plan your wedding
for a time of year when it's particularly easy for your family to
travel.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What is appropriate for a girl to wear for her
college yearbook picture? Do you suggest a v-neck or scoop-neck
top?
Class of '04
Dear Class of '04,
You can wear something a bit Dressier than you'd
wear to class on an Average Day, but make sure it doesn't look like
Evening Wear. Above all, don't wear anything Trendy or Complicated.
A top in a solid color will look much better than something with
a Busy Pattern. Also beware of anything that might look Shiny—if
this is a Typical Yearbook Photography Session, you'll have something
like five minutes with the photographer, and he or she will hardly
have time to adjust the lighting to eliminate any Odd Reflections
your blouse is creating. And don't wear anything that might look
Wrinkled (especially true if you have to dash in to have your photo
taken Between Classes or something). The neckline itself should
be whatever is most flattering to you, but as always, Low-Cut Tops
should be avoided.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Now, I know that you would never get yourselves
into a situation like this, but if you had a Special, Private, Not-Very-Nice
name for an acquaintance of yours and you accidentally used the
Special, Private, Not-Very-Nice Name instead of his real name when
you were talking to him on the phone... what would you do?
It wasn't a malicious Special, Private, Not-Very-Nice
Name; it just wasn't very nice. I make them up for everybody—my
father used to use silly nicknames when he talked about my teachers
so I wouldn't be scared of them... I guess I kind of picked up the
habit from him.
I would normally only think these Special, Private,
Not-Very-Nice Names, I wouldn't even share them with a mutual friend,
but this time it just came out. There was about 15 seconds of shocked
silence, then I hung up on him. I haven't spoken to him since. Um...
is there any way to rectify this situation?
Thanks,
Mortified
Dear Mortified,
Well, that's the problem with something like
this. Even if you have a Private Nickname for someone that you use
with only One Other Person, sooner or later, we guarantee it, one
of you is going to Slip Up… which, as you can now attest,
is Horribly Embarrassing all around.
Hanging up on your friend probably wasn't the
Best Move, either. We don't know exactly how you used the name,
but there might have been a chance of Trying to Cover for it somehow
with humor. Let's say you called someone named Stanley "Snarly"—maybe,
just maybe, you could've turned it into something like, "Oh
my God, I can't believe that just slipped out! I was making this
silly get-well card for Sarah the other day where I referred to
everyone as an Evil Care Bear, and you were Snarly Bear. I was Cantankerous
Bear. Hahaha!" Well, that is kind of a Weak Example, but you
get the idea—you might have been able to Think Up Something
Quickly. At this point, however, we think you simply owe your friend
An Apology. Preferably one you deliver In Person. Don't make excuses;
just say you were Quite Rude to call him that and wanted to apologize;
that you realize there is No Excuse for being this immature and
that you will never, ever do anything this Hurtful again, etc.,
etc. If he won't see you, write him a Letter of Apology (a real
letter, not an e-mail) and attempt to follow up In Person.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
There is a gentleman in my circle of friends
in graduate school here at the University who seems to have quite
a crush on me. Unfortunately, I believe we would not be a good couple,
even though he is fun as part of our group. He asked me out for
a big Valentine's Day dinner, and although I turned him down politely,
somehow the rumor spread that we were dating. (No wonder nobody
else asks me out.)
I don't think HE understands we will not be going
out, even though he assures me he knows we're just friends. Friends
don't leave cute cards with the sentiment "Everything revolves
around you," or leave three e-mails and a phone message in
one day to let you know they saw you posing for a group photo. He
sees everything friendly I do as romantic (attending a concert he
performed in, inviting him to a party or group outing, congratulating
him when he called to say he'd passed his qualifying exams, etc.).
I guess I should be flattered, but... what part of NO didn't he
understand?
At least he's in another department, so I won't
be taking any courses with him or working together/above/below.
However, we are members of a rather small social circle based on
common interests, and several of these friends are rooting for us
to get together. Is there a way to handle this so they won't see
me as being mean to him? I don't want to lose them, too. I haven't
wanted to break his bubble while he was studying for quals, but
after he's gotten over passing them, it might be a good time to
talk.
Should I politely, but unambiguously, let him
know I will not date him and it bothers me to receive this type
of attention? Or should I just shun him and bounce his e-mail? He
might get the picture, he might just think I'm sick/busy and worry,
or he might think I hate him. Or should I just let him live in his
dream world? I've been in his shoes, and the longer things go on,
the more it hurts when you understand you can't date your object
of admiration.
My prospects for acquiring an Admiring, Attentive
Boyfriend in the near future are pretty low, and he might just plan
on waiting it out anyhow. There are a couple of friends who might
pretend to date me—but what would I do if someone I liked
thought I was taken? Honesty is much simpler.
Thank you for your opinion in the matter.
Sincerely,
Magnet of Physicists
Dear Magnet,
You're absolutely right: Honesty is Much Simpler.
Meet him for a cup of coffee and explain, in No Uncertain Terms,
that you like him very much as a Friend, but ONLY as a Friend. You've
noticed things that make you think he thinks of you as potentially
more than a Friend, and you wanted to Address This because you do
not envision the two of you having any kind of relationship other
than a Friendship, and you don't want him to misinterpret anything
you do as an indication of anything besides Plain Old Friendship.
Don't let him live in his Dream World—that just encourages
this, which is not good for either him or you. And don't simply
ignore his behavior, since it sounds like you've Tried That Already
and it doesn't seem to be working. And definitely don't create a
Fake Boyfriend—that's just a situation waiting to Backfire.
Furthermore, it would probably be wise to tell a Very Close Friend,
or Your Roommate, or someone, that you are planning to Tell Niels
that you are not going to go out with him. Maybe we're just Un Peu
Paranoid, but there's something about the "Everything revolves
around you" card that makes us think there's a bit of Stalker
Potential here. Now, it'll probably be fine, but it just might be
a good idea if somebody else knew about this stuff in case he does
anything Weird after you Explain Things to Him.
Finally, don't worry about the other people in
Your Social Circle. Sure, people do sometimes think it'd be great
if their friends started Dating, but if they don't realize that
you have the right NOT to be interested in Niels, then they are
being Quite Immature, which should not be Your Problem. If Niels
spreads the word that you were Incredibly Mean to him, then you
can address that when and if it happens… but deal with him
first before you worry about Other Peoples' Reaction.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Good morning, Grrls,
My family and I were shopping at a local mall
and had stopped to rest on a bench. While we were sitting there,
an elderly lady came by and was looking for a place to rest. There
were no open benches, so she proceeded to sit down on the stone
wall surrounding the benches. I got up and offered her my place
on the bench. She turned red and got angry with me, stating that
she was only waiting for a family member and she certainly didn't
need my seat. She then proceeded to stand up and walk around in
front of the store her relative was shopping in, all the while shooting
me the Icy Glare.
Did I do wrong? I certainly did not mean to offend
this woman—I was trying to be mannerly and give her a comfortable
place to sit. What to do when this situation arises?
Thank you, as always, for your wonderful advice.
Perplexed Mall Dweller
Dear Perplexed,
Well, isn't that Unusual and, dare we say, Quite
Rude of this Elderly Woman? You did the right thing in offering
her your seat. We'd have done the same thing. If she reacted like
this to us, we'd have said something like, "I apologize, Ma'am;
I didn't mean to offend you. I simply thought you might prefer to
sit here." Really, even if she truly didn't want your seat,
she shouldn't have Gotten Angry with you—a simple "No,
thank you" would have Sufficed. (Unless you offered the seat
in a Rude Manner, such as by saying, "Hey, Old Lady? Ya wanna
sit here? You're, like, ANCIENT, so you probably need this seat
more than me." But somehow, the EGs Highly Doubt you did anything
like that.)
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Our local paper listed your website
as reference for up-to-date etiquette advice and I am looking forward
to your insight. I have a baby shower
situation that has left me somewhat shocked as how to respond or
if a response is
necessary at all. At work, a woman is pregnant and a co-worker
has sent an e-mail invitation, to everyone on her distribution list,
that a baby
shower is being planned in December. The shower is being held at
a second co-worker's home, and there is a five dollar cover charge
to cover expenses
of the shower. The organizer wanted this to be a "special" shower
experience, for her supervisor, as management has allowed baby
showers, at work, in the past. A friend and I are getting quite a chuckle
about the cover charge. I have, in jest, considered other ways
to
get around the cover charge. I thought they should crash a Christmas
house party.
Let the host know that since a Christmas party is already planned
and there
will be people there already, would the host mind if baby shower
gifts were also exchanged?
Is this a new trend in party planning,
bring a gift and by the way, if you actually want to get though
the door, ante up some cash?
Reminder
e-mails are also being sent, about one every three weeks. The
delete button is a wonderful keyboard feature. But seriously, our little
party planner
will eventually visit everyone's cubicle and question whether
or
not they are coming. I have decided to be busy that day. Is that
a good excuse,
or is there another tactful way to respond? M.
Dear M.,
Well, if it's a New Trend, it needs to be Stomped Down
before it spreads Any Further! You are NEVER allowed to have a Cover
Charge for a Dinner
Party, a Shower, a Wedding Reception, a Birthday Party, a Christmas
Party, etc.! If you want to be the Hostess, you have to Foot the
Bill. The ENTIRE
Bill. (And for the record, that's true if the event is being held
In Your Home or At a Restaurant—if you invite Guests, they shouldn't
pay for a
Single Thing.) If that's going to Bankrupt You, well, then, you need
to Scale Back the Party.
So many other things are Wrong
Here. First, e-mail is not the appropriate medium to deliver a
Shower Invitation. Maybe
it would be, if you were talking
about a Really Casual "Shower" held AT the workplace, on the
scale of an Office Birthday Party (e.g., "Hi everyone, we're having
a Wee Bridal Shower for Annabelle in the Conference Room at 4:30
PM on Thursday. No need to bring a gift—the company's taking care
of that—just join us to wish her well! There's a card at Lucy's desk
if you'd
like to
sign it."), but not something held at someone's home! Furthermore,
if the event is in December, it is WAY too early to be issuing invitations.
The "reminders" are annoying (and would not be necessary if the
invitations were sent at a reasonable time closer to the date of
the event). And lastly, it sounds like the Party Planner is just
Kissing Up to Her
Boss. With any luck, Her Boss will see right through this.
Definitely be busy that day,
Dear Reader. That's a great excuse. In fact, we'd go ahead and
R.S.V.P. now, just to
get the Annoying Party Planner
off your back (maybe she'll take you off the "reminder" e-mail
list as well).
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I recently experienced an awkward situation and I'm sure I handled
it poorly—I'm hopeful that you can offer some advice as to how I
could have better dealt with it.
For my birthday, my husband gave me a gift certificate for a 60-minute
salt rub/massage and a 35-minute scalp massage/oil treatment. I expected
both to be quite a treat. I enjoyed the beginning of my day at the
spa, but after 30 minutes, my salt rub was finished. The masseuse
told me to get dressed and meet her in the other room. I did so,
and was treated to a 12 minute scalp massage, sans oil. After less
than an hour, she returned me to the waiting room and took another
client back for a massage. She did not give me time to tip her, and
at that point, I wasn't too keen on giving her one. Feeling that
I had been cheated out of a considerable lot of time, I politely
inquired with the front desk regarding what treatments I had been
scheduled for. I suggested that perhaps my husband had been confused
regarding the length of time of each treatment, but was told no,
that my salt rub was 60 minutes and my scalp treatment 35. Upon
hearing this, I pointed at the clock and noted that I was back in
the reception area after considerably less time, and
that neither lotion nor scalp oil had been used. The receptionist
claimed that two treatments are usually combined, and that surely
oil was used and I just hadn't noticed. It was clear that I was not
going to get anywhere, so I left (having already paid with my gift
certificate upon arrival).
Truthfully, I wanted to complain and request full refund for the
treatments, and had I paid for them myself, I probably would have.
This, however, was a gift from my husband, who was so excited to
give me such a thoughtful surprise. I could not bear to tell him,
but still feel, two weeks later, as though he was cheated and so
was I. I expect he will get me similar gifts in the future, possibly
at the same day spa, and I wonder—what should I do if this same
thing happens again?
Thank you,
Not Happy
Dear Not Happy,
Oh, Dear Reader, this is when you need to Stand Your Ground and Ask to
Speak to a Manager! Even now, we think you need to Write a Letter to the
Spa Management! Tell them exactly what you told us, and say specifically
that you are Quite Disappointed that Your Husband's Thoughtful Gift ended
up being an Unpleasant Experience. We understand why you wouldn't have
wanted to have Your Husband be disappointed as well, but Dear Reader, we
think Your Husband would probably want to know if something made you Unhappy.
He'd probably feel terrible if he got you a Gift Certificate to the Same
Spa for your next five birthdays and THEN learned you had always hated
it! If it were from someone you weren't so close to, then sure, we'd probably
Keep Mum or tell a Little White Lie about how fabulous it was, but since,
as you say, he's probably going to give you similar gifts in the future,
you should really fill him in. At this point, we'd write the letter, wait
for a response (which had better be An Apology and Another Gift Certificate),
and then tell Your Husband the whole story. You can say that he was Very,
Very Sweet to give you the Gift Certificate, and it's just because he was
so sweet that you felt even worse about Being Cheated, so you decided you
ought to do something about it.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Please inform all your dear readers
that student status does not confer license to dress and behave
like a slob!
I am a graduate student in the
sciences, and I am appalled to hear so many of my fellow students
express the opinion that since we are graduate students, we "get" to
wear ratty T-shirts, ratty jeans, and ratty shoes to school and work!
One of them even criticized me
for dressing "all nice and business-y"!
(I was wearing a simple skirt and blouse with nice shoes—nothing
particularly spectacular, or so I thought...) I want to be taken
seriously in my work,
and EGs, forgive me if I am wrong, but I have been told that, to
a certain extent, the clothes make the man (or woman). Am I missing
something huge
here, or am I simply a lone voice in a crowd?
Student
Dear Student,
Sigh. Of course you're not wrong,
Dear Reader! However, Dear Reader, the EGs have Been to Grad School,
and we
think that sadly, you are in the Minority.
The EGs think that Graduate Students especially should Make An Effort
to Dress Appropriately—after all, don't you want to distinguish
yourselves from the Undergrads? Not that the Undergrads should be
running around
in
ratty ensembles, either, but we think that as a Grad Student, you
should try to dress More Professionally. This is doubly true if
you are Teaching
Undergrads in any manner... and triply true if you are Not Long Out
of College Yourself and Teaching Undergrads... they need to see
you as Their
Instructor, not as Their Peer. Trust us, it's a lot easier to tell
a student something Rather Grave (e.g., "I understand you're upset,
but I'm not changing your grade, seeing as the assignment was for
an Eight-Page
Research Paper and your paper had Not a Single Footnote and was three
pages long. It's too bad that means you're getting kicked off the
Varsity Swim
Team, but you should have thought about the consequences earlier.")
and have him take you seriously when you're wearing a Nice Blouse,
Wool Trousers, and Polished Shoes than when you're wearing a T-Shirt
with a
Mustard Stain, Sweatpants, and Ratty Sneakers.
Best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My friends and I (all 18) get together
a lot on the weekends and almost everyday in the summer. Now since
we have started university and
have moved away this isn't an issue until Christmas and next
summer, but it has bugged me for some time.
There are mainly 3 of us that hang
out. Myself and friend #2 do the majority of the driving, with
me doing the most of anyone. I
am very lucky
and grateful that my parents let me. Now Friend #2 and I have
become very annoyed with friend #3. Her mother is overprotective
and hardly lets her
take the car, the only time she seems to get it is if her parents
don't want to drive her somewhere and she is meeting us there.
Now even though
her parents aren't very free with the car, friend #3 never really
tries or offers to try to get the car.
One weekend she had
the car because her parents were away and she spent two days driving
another friend around. She also drove
us
to a parade five minutes away and then back to her house, and
then had the nerve to
ask us to drive that night because she had been doing a lot
of driving. Well, that driving did not involve us, and she would
have to drive A LOT
to make up for all the times we drive. Another time we were
going to have a sleepover at someone's house, and while #2 wasn't
going to stay over,
I was picking her up and we were going over to hang out. I
checked
my messages and found one from #3 asking me to bring the car
so I could drive people
home after. She assumed that because my parents let me have
the car a lot that I was going to drive there and leave the car there
all night. Needless
to say I decided not to spend the night. #3 even tries to get
people to go way out to pick up her other friend who has
no license.
#2 and I have discussions all the time with our parents
and each other about this. Our parents are on our side. Sometimes
we pretend that neither of us can drive so she has to get the car,
or a lot of the time
we just hang out together or say we are all going to meet
somewhere (she always gets the car then).
My question is are we right?
Are there any other ways to get #3 to drive more? #2 and I have
had about enough because gas
is expensive and
it isn't fair. Thanks! Running Out of Ideas
Dear Running Out of Ideas,
Dear Reader, talking about this
with Friend #2 and with Your Parents, or just pretending that Neither
of You Can
Drive, is not going to help.
There is nothing you can do to solve this problem without telling
Friend #3 that you feel like she's Taking Advantage of You. We
know it's tough
to confront a friend, but unless you want to keep Being Miserable,
you need to Sit Down and Talk With Her. Tell her basically what
you told us. "Susie,
Rebecca, and I feel that we're doing more than Our Fair Share of the Driving
when we all go somewhere together. We know Your Mom is Un Peu Strict about
letting you use the car, but sometimes, we feel like we're Your Chauffeurs
rather than Your Friends." If she blames it all on Mom, then remind
her of how she said she didn't want to drive the one weekend she HAD a
car because she'd "been doing a lot of driving." Tell her that
if Her Mom really is that strict, you understand, but you'd still
like her to make more of an effort to reciprocate when she DOES have
access to the car, and you'd also appreciate it if she could chip
in for gas when
she's not able to share the driving. If, after having this Little
Chat, she doesn't Shape Up, then, Dear Reader, we'd just stop making
plans
with
her. It's not acceptable to Take Advantage of Your Friends like this.
Yes, her Mom's Strictness could be a Legitimate Excuse not to drive...
we all
know at least one person with Annoyingly Overprotective Parents,
and that simply Stinks. However, and this is a big however, if you
have a Legitimate
Excuse not to drive (like no access to a car, or no license), then
you absolutely cannot expect Your Friends to be Your Taxi Service!
You should
be GRATEFUL when they drive you places, and always offer to chip
in for gas, tolls, and parking. Anyone who doesn't realize that is
behaving like
a Spoiled Brat, and needs to start being nicer to Her Friends.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
A few months ago it was my four-year-old nephew's birthday.
However, my husband and I weren't sure if he already had the gift we had
decided upon
(a Disney DVD of a movie that we had both enjoyed as children). So
we called my sister-in-law for clarification.
She stated that she was against
the company that made the present for some
politically correct reason and that we should just get our nephew a specific
book. Needless to say, this took all of the fun of shopping for our nephew.
While I agree that my sister-in-law has the right to raise her children (as
long as it doesn't endanger them) as she sees fit and shouldn't have to answer
to anyone about it, I am unsure what to do, in looking ahead to the Christmas
season and future birthdays. I'd like to be able to go to the store and pick
out something that my husband and I think that our nephew would like. However,
with my sister-in-law's stringent rules about what is and isn't acceptable
(which isn't easy to figure out) I hesitate to call her and be told what
present to buy, because at that point I wonder why we even should bother,
I could just
write her a check (which I wouldn't really do). Any thoughts on how to allow us the fun of picking out the present and
find one that my sister-in-law will find acceptable?
Thanks,
Confused for Christmas
Dear Confused,
Good God! It's not like you're giving the kid a Bottle
of Scotch, a Box of Rabid Raccoons, and a Flamethrower, for heaven's sake!
Get
the child Whatever You Want, and don't check with Your Sister-in-Law
beforehand. If she doesn't like the gifts, she can Jolly Well Explain
to Her Kid why he's not allowed to use them and go exchange them
for something she thinks is okay. (But she should Keep This to Herself,
in order
not
to make you feel bad about the gift you selected, and Your Nephew
had still better write you a Thank-You Note, making no mention
of this.) If you really
want to try getting something that will Pass Muster with Your Sister-in-Law,
we suggest sticking with Plain, Traditional Toys like Blocks and
Art Supplies. However, even if you get the most Innocuous Present
in the world, we think
she's likely to have some sort of issue with the Ingredients of
the Paint or something... so we wouldn't recommend you go too Out of Your
Way
to
try to figure out what she'll approve of. All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Love the column. I would like to inquire as to a problem
that I think is oft seen these days. My friend and I were invited
to an informal brunch.
The hostess told us that there would be 10 or 15 guests. We
offered to bring champagne for mimosas. Based on the invited number
of guests,
we brought four bottles. However, only five guests showed up (for
a total of six). We had a delightfully intimate brunch. By the end
of the afternoon,
we had consumed only two bottles of the champagne.
My friend thought that we should take the rest of the champagne, or at
least one bottle, because we would not have brought as much if we had known
there would only be six of us. I felt that once you bring something to
a party, you leave it, regardless of circumstances, unless the hostess
insists that you take it with you.
What is the proper etiquette here?
The Champagne Supplier
P.S. For the record, we left the champagne.
Dear Champagne Supplier,
You did the Right Thing. When
you bring something to a Party, you don't take it home with you
unless the Hostess
absolutely INSISTS that you do.
And even then, it's nice to say, "Oh, but you went to all of this
trouble. You should enjoy the extra Champagne!" Generosity is always
correct, Dear Reader.
Yours sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Help! My office is having this
fund-raiser for cancer research. To raise money, someone came up
with the strange
idea of having a costume day. Everyone
is supposed to pay $5 and that gives them the "right" to come
to work in "period costume"! They're having a potluck lunch and
having a contest for best costume and making a huge deal out of it.
And this isn't even on Halloween or anything, just on some random
day!
While I'm happy to donate money to the fight against cancer, I think it's
inappropriate and undignified to come to work in costume (I go to work
on the train!), plus I certainly don't want to spend my valuable free time
thinking of, making, and buying a costume and potluck for 30! This is not
my idea of fun, and I'd gladly pay $20 to be excused! The problem is I'm
very new at this office, and I don't want to seem like I'm not a team player
(we're competing against other branches to see who can raise the most money),
but I outgrew this sort of nonsense in high school and I'd much rather
sit quietly in my office in my normal clothes and get my work done! How
can I get out of this mess without making a bad impression?
I Don't Want to Dress Up
Dear I Don't Want to Dress Up,
Period Costume? You mean you're not JUMPING at the chance to wear a Wimple
on the Commuter Train! Or wander around the office all day in a Hoop Skirt?
What is WRONG with you, Dear Reader??
Hee, hee, the EGs are just Messing
With You because we find this situation so Absurd. Your office
sounds Completely
Insane. Do you work at Loony Bin,
Inc. or something? Definitely don't wear a costume to work. However,
since, as you say, you are new, you probably need to make Some
Sort of Effort
to Play Along, unless you can think of a good, business-related excuse,
like, "I'm sorry, here's my $5, but I have several off-site meetings
with Our Most Important Client that day, so I'm not going to dress up this
time." We'd recommend taking advantage of the Vagueness of "Period
Costume." You don't have to wear some sort of Crazy Medieval Getup—how
about a Vintage Dress from the 1940s? Or a sort of Mod Look? Neither
of those will look out of place on the train, and you'll still be
wearing something that qualifies.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First allow me to express
my admiration of both the web page and the book. It's heartening
that other
college students who prefer cocktails to kegs
have actually existed. Now onto my query. I have earned my college
letter jacket but unfortunately I would have to pay for it.
I am unsure about
the etiquette surrounding letter jackets. Is it a faux pas to wear
the jacket after one has graduated? Thank you.
Cheers,
Proud of my Future Alma Mater
Dear Proud,
Congratulations! It's Keen you've earned your
Letter Jacket! (Hee, hee, the EGs wonder if anyone's said that
particular phrase since the 50's!)
Unfortunately, Dear Reader, yes, you really shouldn't wear your Letter
Jacket after Graduation. We have, occasionally, seen people wandering
around in Old Letter Jackets (like "Varsity Football '98")
and that just looks a Bit Odd, like you Can't Accept the Fact that
School Is Over.
However, we think a College Letter Jacket (or, for that matter, a
High School One) makes a Great Keepsake. It's the sort of thing
you can show
to Your Kids someday (and, if they're into Vintage Clothing, they'll
probably want to Borrow It... THAT would be okay). If it's not
too terribly expensive,
Dear Reader (and we do hope it's not—Colleges should make Letter
Jackets Affordable for Their Students, Dammit!), we'd recommend
buying it, even
if you can only wear it for a Short While.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I was wondering if it’s all
right for a man to comment on a woman’s
appearance (lost weight, looks great in dress, looks younger, etc.)
in front of his wife.
Curious Wife
Dear Curious Wife,
Normal, complimentary observations are fine. "Haven't
seen Elizabeth in a while—she looks great with short hair!" shouldn't
bother anybody. Complimentary observations intended to make his wife
feel Bad About Herself
in Comparison (e.g., "You know, Elizabeth always makes sure her hair
looks nice. Isn't it about time you got a haircut, honey?")
are Mean, and, therefore, Not Appropriate. Sleazy observations, like, "Wow,
Elizabeth looks really HOT with short hair!" are not appropriate for
Married Men to be making about anybody, to anybody. We also don't
think he should be going around giving a Running Commentary on the
appearance of Every Woman He Sees—if this is all he talks about,
Dear Reader,
then
you need to have a chat with him. Surely he can find more appropriate
topics of conversation. (And, just if anyone's wondering, all of
this applies to Anyone in a Relationship—it's just as Impolite for
a Girl to
mention
how attractive she finds Some Other Guy in front of Her Boyfriend.)
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My cousin was recently married. She had been engaged
to two other men before this wedding. The last engagement went as
far as the wedding shower.
I gave her a gift for the second engagement—which was returned to
me two years later in un-returnable condition. It was a very nice,
somewhat expensive toaster that was on her registry. It appeared
to have been
used.
It now sits in my garage. Now that she has actually gotten married,
what am I to give her as a gift? I felt bad for her when the last
engagement didn't work out. She must have been mortified. That aside,
she didn't
return
the gift within what I thought was an appropriate time period.
I am in my mid-twenties and struggling a bit financially.
I can't afford to keep buying wedding gifts for the same person like
this. I know that
it would be unbelievably rude to not give her something at all—but
with the way the last gift was handled and my financial situation,
what do you
recommend?
Thank you for your help!
Toaster 2.0?
Dear Toaster 2.0?,
It had been USED, and she sent it back to you? Well,
we suppose she thought she was doing the Right Thing—one is, of
course, obliged to return Engagement/Shower/Wedding
Presents if One's Marriage is Called Off—but ugh! This is why it's
best not to use Such Gifts until After the Wedding... but the EGs
Digress.
Dear Reader, give your cousin a present According to
Your Means. Do not feel you need to give her something along the
lines of the Expensive Toaster—if
the best you can do is a set of Vintage Cookbooks from the Local
Used Bookshop, then that, Dear Reader, is Perfectly Fine. The EGs
would say the same thing if this were her First
Engagement... never, ever feel you need to Bankrupt Yourself in order
to give someone a Wedding Present!
As ever,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest Grrls,
I have yet another wedding question for you, and it involves your favorite
subject, the Thank You Note.
A friend of mine from high school got married this past
June, and I attended. A couple of weeks before the wedding, I selected
and had delivered a lovely
gift from their registry. A week or so later (just before the actual
wedding date), I got a call from the bride, sweetly thanking me for my
gift, and
expressing her and her fiancé's gratitude.
Here's what I'm wondering: Does this exempt her from writing me a thank-you
note? How did she even know what I got her? (The package went to her mother-in-law's
house, and I'm assuming that her mother-in-law wasn't opening gifts!) It
was nice of her to call, but I'd like to know what she thought of my actual
gift.
Oh well.
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
Of course this doesn't exempt her from Taking Pen to
Paper! Arrrgh! The EGs have Had It Up to Here with Lazy Brides! Yes,
we know that it can be
a Daunting Project to write Prompt, Neat, Polite Thank-You Notes
to every single person who sent you a gift, particularly if you had
a Big Wedding,
but that's just Part of the Deal. If you hate writing Thank-You Notes
that much, you have No Business Expecting Gifts. As for how she knew
what you got her if it was delivered to her Future Mother-in-Law's
House, well, Dear Reader, these days a lot of Wedding Registries
are online, and we've heard of Brides Checking Them Obsessively...
we assume she was able to pull up her account and see what you bought
her. (A word of warning: While we can imagine some Enterprising Brides
making use of this online functionality as a way to Get a Head Start
on the Thank-You Notes, we think you should wait until you Actually
Open the Gifts before you write the Notes. What if someone took the
trouble to put together a basket of several presents for you, only
one of which is something from Your Registry? You wouldn't want to
send Aunt Thelma a Thank-You Note for the Placesetting of China she
bought for you
when she spent a lot of time selecting a Linen Tablecloth and Napkins,
too, that Weren't on Your Registry! She'd wonder what had happened
to the rest of Her Gift!)
If anyone is in the New York City area and would like
to hear some advice from the EGs on how NOT to be an Rude Bride,
you can catch us on Saturday, September 19 at the Etiquette
Panel of the Wedding
March on Madison.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest Grrls,
I live alone in a small one bedroom apartment. I don't have a normal dining
room set-up, and I'm not a very good cook. I can make simple plain vegetarian
food for myself, but I'm not really set up for an elaborate dinner party.
The problem is that more and more (I'm 30) of my good friends are getting
married and hosting nice evenings at their large and well-appointed homes
they've bought with their spouses and furnished with lovely wedding gifts.
I adore my friends, and am completely OK with my current arrangement, since
I know that I too will eventually find someone terrific with whom to tie
the knot!
But I feel guilty and awkward, going to these nice dinners but not hosting
them myself. Should I make an attempt to reciprocate, even if in a small
and mismatched-dinnerware sort of way, or host smaller cocktail or dessert
events?
I really love my friends and don't want to be the one who never hosts;
it's just hard because of my small place, etc. I do always show up with
nice wine, treats, and offer to bring whatever I can (dessert or salad
or some such).
Any advice?
Thanks!
Tiny Kitchen in Seattle
Dear Tiny Kitchen,
Don't worry about your Small Apartment and Mismatched Dinnerware!
What matters most is Making an Effort to reciprocate your friends'
hospitality. And don't worry, either, about not being an Experienced
Chef—you can have
a Wonderful Party without knowing how to cook anything Terribly
Adventurous. What matters most: Which Guests you invite (Good
Conversation is
a must), and the fact that you present the
best food and beverages
you can. (Note: "Best" does not mean "Elaborate" or "Expensive"!)
For starters, try the EGs' Artichoke Dip,
if you want to go the Cocktail Party
Route—it's super-easy to make! Put that out with some Good Bread,
a selection of different cheeses and crackers, and a crudité platter,
and you've got plenty of hors d'oeuvres for a Small Cocktail Get-Together.
Or, Dear Reader, you could always make a Very Simple, But Yummy dinner
of fresh bread, a big salad, and pasta with fresh
tomatoes, basil,
olive oil, and garlic, and serve some Good Ice Cream with Fresh
Strawberries
for dessert, and your friends will love it! Plus, the more you
have Guests Over, the more confident you'll become as a Hostess,
and the
easier every
party will seem.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
A group of eight women meet weekly
for tennis doubles. We play competitively, and have fun, too, but
we have a slight problem. One of the women
is late without fail, every week. We all laugh it off, but deep down,
we are all bothered by her tardiness, and our warm-up is uneven,
and one
court definitely suffers. Even if it is her turn to bring the
balls, she cannot show up on time. She appears, usually 15-20 minutes
into the two-hour court time, giggles her "sorry," and we get
started. Several people have mentioned it to her individually, but she
has
not changed. We would all love any advice you can provide!
Sincerely,
Beth Dear Beth,
Isn't that inconsiderate of her! The EGs cannot
stand Tardiness, ever, but it's particularly egregious when it's
Chronic and Other People are
Habitually Inconvenienced by it! We think you need to nominate someone
as a Spokesperson and have that person speak with Miss Lateness after
your court time. "Hortense, I need to talk with you about something. You
were 20 minutes late today; we all see that there's a Pattern Here. It's
truly an inconvenience to everyone, and this morning, before you arrived,
we all agreed that we'd ask you to make a Real Effort to do something about
it. We don't want to have to ask you to find new Tennis Buddies, but Hortense,
it's just Not Fair for everyone when you're late every single week. We
want to keep playing with you, but we also want everyone to have a Fair
Warm-Up. I hope you understand." We hope this will work, but then
again, nothing you can say can MAKE her Be on Time. Give her a chance
to Shape Up... then, Dear Reader, you should be prepared to Find
a Replacement Player if she can't show you she's Changed Her Ways.
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am a high school student and
am currently in the midst of the College Application Process. My
question refers to Thank-You Notes. Are there
special guidelines for sending Thank-You Notes to one's teachers
to thank them for writing Teacher Recommendations? Can one send
them after one
has decided which college to matriculate? This would be, unfortunately,
Months after one has asked for teacher recommendations.) Sending
such notes a week after asking one's teachers seems a bit strange
as said teachers would have probably not written the letters yet.
What time line
would you suggest?
Thanks,
Confused Dear Confused,
First, thank you for realizing that you do need to Write
Them! So many students don't, which is a shame. It takes a considerable
amount of Time
and Effort to put together a Thoughtful Recommendation!
Well, when you ask a Teacher to Write a Letter
for you, you need to Give Him or Her the Proper Forms, right? We'd
attach a very, very brief note
to the packet of information you're giving the teacher. "Dear Mr.
Collingsworth, Thank you very much for writing Recommendations for me to
Princeton, Brown, and Dartmouth. I truly appreciate your taking the time
to do this. I've enclosed all the necessary forms, a copy of my transcript,
a list of my extra-curricular activities, and stamped envelopes. If you
have any questions for me, or need any further information, please let
me know. Sincerely yours, Elizabeth Darcy." Then, if a Teacher tells
you he or she has Mailed Off Your Letter, you should send a Thank-You
Note right away. If you do not hear from teachers as they send their
letters in, how about sending the notes about a week before Your Teachers'
Recommendations
are Due at the schools you're applying to? Then it's not only a Proper
Thank-You, it's also a Good Reminder in case you've got a Slightly
Absent-Minded Teacher who may have forgotten the deadline. (Don't,
of course,
mention
this IN the note; just write it as if they'd already sent it.)
We wish you the best of luck with your College Applications!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I stumbled upon your site and
I love it! There is so much great advice to be had, I have bookmarked
it and ordered both of your books for good
measure and reading pleasure. I am also tres impressed by the
usage of French and English as I am a French teacher, but now on
to my question.
My boyfriend and I attended the wedding of a friend
in May of this
year. It's now Labor Day, and we still have not received a thank
you card from said friend. To say the least, I am un peu put
out by the fact that
we have not yet received a thank you for our attendance or the
gift. In her defense, I went to her bridal shower and she sent
a thank you right
away, but is it normal to wait four months before sending a thank
you? I know that it would be tres rude to call her on the phone
and say, "Where
is my thank you?" but I am now left wondering how to go about
finding out if she even received the gift. I contacted the company
who
delivered it, and they said it was delivered, so what do I do
now? Quelle impasse!
Merci beaucoup,
Unimpressed by Her Lack of Etiquette Dear Unimpressed,
We're so glad you like our site, and we hope you enjoy
Our Books! We're especially pleased to hear that a French Teacher
approves of our Occasional
Usage of French. Merci beaucoup! Nous aimons le français!
Here's what you do: send a Wee Note to Your Friend
inquiring if she ever received the Gift You Sent:
Dear Nathalie,
I hope you and Frederick had a wonderful honeymoon
and are all settled into your New Home! I'm just
writing to ask a Favor of You: could you let me know if you
received the vase I sent you as a Wedding Present? I'm concerned
that it might have
Gone Missing... I've been hearing the most terrible stories
lately
of how [insert name of shipping carrier] has misplaced several
of my friends'
packages, and I'm worried that you might not have received
the gift I sent back in May. Please do let me know—I've been worried
sick lately that
perhaps you didn't receive it and am thinking I'm following
that silly fake rule about having one year to send a Wedding Gift!
Hope to see you
soon.
Best wishes,
Lily
No, it's not normal to wait four months before sending a Thank-You Note.
Once you get back from Your Honeymoon, Brides, you'd better Get Cracking
on those Thank-You Notes! Your Guests don't get a Year to Send You a Gift
(that notion, Dear Readers, is just Something That Some Lazy Person Made
Up, and the EGs Aren't Going to Stand For It), and YOU do not get a Year
to Send Thank-You Notes. Promptness is an Essential Part of Politeness.
Most sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My husband and I recently hosted his brother,
sister-in-law and their three children over to our house for a
little "picnic" of
sorts and an afternoon of swimming in our pool.
I told them that
we would be making plenty of food for lunch, but since we don't
eat meat, would they mind bringing their own fried
chicken or some sort of meat dish they prefer. They agreed and
we planned on a
fun day together. However, when they arrived, instead of just bringing
the meat portion of the meal as agreed, they brought drive thru
Chick-Fil-a for
the whole family, including sandwiches, fries, dessert and drinks.
I had spent the whole morning making yummy, fun traditional
picnic garb, including baked beans, potato salad, marinated cucumber
salad, sliced watermelon, corn on the cob and dessert. I understand
that
kids can be
picky, but this seemed excessive. Their kids ended up wanting
the food that we had made over the greasy fast food anyway.
They (the brother and sister-in-law) ate their fast food and
then made a pathetic attempt to be polite and eat a little
bit of our food. They even stated (unconvincingly) that they
didn't know
we
were going to
do all that, even though we had discussed it! I felt as though
I had wasted a bunch of food... and time!
I have started to
notice a trend that when we do things together involving food,
they almost always bring their own drive thru
fast food. Is it just me, or is this rude? Any advice on
future events?
Sincerely,
Dumb-founded Dear Dumb-founded,
Ugh! Why would anyone want Fast Food instead of Yummy,
Homemade Picnic Food? Honestly, Dear Reader, we don't think you should
ask them to bring
anything in the future. There is absolutely No Reason why people
who Eat Meat can't enjoy a Veggie Meal every once an a while, especially
when they're
at the home of Someone Who Is Vegetarian! You're the Hostess, and
you should serve What You Want. Next time you have them over, tell
them that there
is No Need to Bring Any Food—you'll be Cooking for Everyone.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I need some advice on how to address the issue of chewing food with one's
mouth open. Unlike some other open-mouth chewing situations which I have
read about in your archive, this one is particularly delicate: the offender
is my wife. I would like to know how I can tactfully bring this issue to
her attention. She is not overly sensitive, but at the same time I do not
want to hurt her feelings. She is a beautiful, loving woman who is graceful
in every way except for eating, and it pains me to see her chew her food
with her mouth open. She is evidently unaware of this behavior.
Please help me with this touchy situation. I sincerely appreciate any
assistance you can offer.
Concerned (Yet Desperate) Husband
Dear Concerned (Yet Desperate) Husband,
Our Best Advice, Dear Reader, is to treat this
like Spinach in Someone's Teeth—they'd want you to tell them if
you noticed and they didn't. And
we think the same thing is true with Unconsciously Impolite Behavior—oftentimes,
the Perpetrators are just Completely Ignorant that they've slipped
into a pattern of Rudeness. As long as you're gentle about it,
and not Hyper-Critical,
Dear Reader, we think you can tell her, and we think she'll probably
be grateful to you for it. "Dear, there's something I just wanted
to mention. It's kind of tough to say this, for I don't want you
to be Offended
or think I'm being Terribly Picky, but I've noticed a Wee Habit that
you have that I'm sure you're not aware of, and I know you'd want
me to tell
you about it. If it were me, I'd want you to tell me. Occasionally,
you chew with your mouth open... again, I'm sure you aren't even
aware of it,
but I thought I should tell you that I noticed. I mean, I'd REALLY
want you to tell me if I slurped my soup or something!" She'll probably
be embarrassed, but really, we think if you say this in a Kind Tone
(and, of course, In Private), she'll probably be Grateful that you
Said Something.
Yours sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Is it proper etiquette to send
out a two-year-old's birthday party invitation with a gift registry
insert in it?
Thanks,
Myra Dear Myra,
No. It's improper to send out ANY invitation with
Gift Registry Information in it, and, more importantly, a TWO-YEAR-OLD
CHILD has No Business Being Registered Anywhere, for Anything,
for Any Reason. The EGs understand
Retail Stores want to Make a Buck, but is there no one with the
Slightest Bit
of Sense on their Management Teams? Somebody needs to stand up and
say, "I'm
sorry, but we are Way Off Track Here with our campaigns to Encourage
Everyone to Register for Everything. It just makes us look like
we're Aiding and
Abetting Greediness (which, I guess, we ARE), and the damage to Our
Image in the long run is going to be a Hell of a Lot Worse than
whatever money
we're making now off Birthday Registries for Two-Year-Olds."
As ever,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I was reminiscing with a Dear Old Friend of mine
recently and the subject of our High School Prom came up. She and
her date had been invited for
dinner that evening at a mutual friend's house for a Pre-Prom Dinner
and "Cocktails" (as
they were all 17-18 at the time, this consisted of one small glass
of champagne). The guests at this Dinner Party consisted of My
Dear Old Friend and Her
Date, the Two Daughters from the family hosting and their dates,
and one other Couple.
Now, I'm not One To Gossip, but the dinner they were
served had become quite legendary over the years as one of The Worst In
History.
No one
could eat any of it and it was all they could do to move their
food around enough to make it appear to have been eaten, so as
not to insult their
Mother who had taken the time to prepare it all.
During our reminiscing, my Dear Old Friend told
me that many years later she had run into her Prom Date. While
they were catching up, he laughed
and told her, "Did you know that Bitsy and LaLa's [not their real
names] Parents had sent me a bill for the dinner on Prom Night?" They
both had a good laugh over it, but deep down my Dear Old Friend was
horrified! Her Date didn't even know the Hosts and really had only
known my Dear Friend
somewhat casually at the time.
So my question, Dear Etiquette Grrls, is this a common or accepted practice,
to send a bill to dates after a dinner party? My Friend and I felt this
was totally out of line, but deep down we wondered if maybe this was some
kind of Old Tradition that we had overlooked. There had been no arrangements
made prior to share the cost of the dinner, nor had the Dinner Party itself
been something my Friend or Her Date desired to attend but rather had done
so out of kindness to her friends.
All of my logic and etiquette knowledge tells me that this was completely
out of the ordinary, but before my Dear Old Friend and I laugh any more
over this memory, I would like to know if we are the ones missing something
instead.
Best,
Billed and Befuddled
Dear Billed,
Holy Mary, Mother of God! Someone's Parents hosted
a Pre-Prom Dinner at their home and then SENT A BILL to the Young
Men in Attendence? Can anyone
say "Cheap"? That is Completely Insane, Dear Reader! Even if
the dinner had been Edible, it would've been Nuts! First of all,
you NEVER charge anyone for a Meal in Your Home. Ever. Second, the
whole point of
hosting a Pre-Prom (or After-Prom) Festivity is to Do Something Nice
for Your Kids and Their Friends (with the slight Ulterior Motive
of Being Able
to Supervise Them). Charging the Poor Children flies in the face
of this! There is no Old Tradition that permits this—it's just Completely
Bizarre
Rudeness. All we have to say is, what a Polite Young Man to have
kept the secret that long!
Congratulations, Dear Reader—you currently are
the holder of the "Wackiest Prom Story the EGs Have Ever Heard" Title.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
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