The Etiquette Grrls' Q & A Archive: Weddings
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I have two friends who are grooms to be. B. had
announced his engagement in October and set a date for May 26, 2000.
J. became engaged more recently, around Nov 15th. J. and his fiancée
began looking for likely spots for the ceremonies and found a place
they liked that was available on May 5, 2000. They signed an agreement
for that date. Now B., his fiancée, and their families are
upset and think that it was discourteous to set the date so close
in advance of their own wedding. Is there a "rule" about
this? I would understand being a little upset, that the wind will
be taken from B.'s wedding's sails, but B., his fiancée,
and his family act like this was bad enough to end very close friendships
amongst all involved. What could be done to remedy this situation?
Respectfully,
Concerned Bystander
Dear Concerned Bystander,
Gee, the last time the EGs checked, Brides and
Grooms weren't allowed to go around demanding, "Thou Shalt
Respect My Wedding Month and Schedule No Other Weddings Therein!"
We're sure that Planning a Wedding can be a Momentous Task, but
everyone needs to realize, right now, that even if you are Getting
Married, the Rest of the World can, and, indeed, will, Continue
Avec Their Lives. We are absolutely sick of Those Who Are Engaged
throwing tantrums, like Spoiled, Bratty Children, when some Tiny
Little Detail does not Go As Planned. The EGs humbly remind everyone
that a Wedding is a Solemn, Serious Thing, as well as a Festive
Celebration, and that, in our Expert Opinion, way too many people
forget the Former Aspect of Their Wedding. So what if someone else
dares to get married a few weeks before B.! We're sure that B. and
J.'s Social Circle will be More Than Happy to attend Both Weddings,
and will be equally happy for Both Couples!
We think B. and fiancée need, simply, to
Get Over It. If they're willing to Get All Persnickety about Something
that is, in the scheme of things, Rather Inconsequential, the EGs
think they've got Odd Priorities. B. and the Future Mrs. B. should
apologize to J. and the Future Mrs. J. before this gets any More
Childish, and they should attend J.'s Wedding (assuming J. and fiancée
invite them, after this mess) and behave like Extremely Gracious
Guests.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Please let me say how much I love your site--truly
a light in the dark!!!
A close relative of mine is marrying this winter.
My boyfriend and I would like to announce our engagement, but are
afraid of stealing her thunder or making her feel like we are "competing."
The situation is touchy, since she has become Quite Hyper almost
a year in advance of the event, and various Grievous Breaches of
Etiquette (showing photos of her wedding gown at a wake, telling
all and sundry that she expects cash rather than gifts) have Set
Teeth On Edge. Normally, we would wait, but we live abroad, and
as grad students, can only take one trip home a year. (Our trip
this year will be for her wedding.) This isn't something we want
to tell our parents over the phone, but we don't want to wait another
year either. Would it be terrible to tell everyone at a quiet family
gathering a few days after her wedding?
Sincerely,
Lily
Dear Lily,
Thank you ever so much for your kind words about
our site! Your question touches upon something the EGs simply deplore:
the fact that many Brides-to-Be seem to feel as if Their Upcoming
Nuptials allow them to Break All Rules of Etiquette. Showing photos
of her gown at A Wake??? Dear Reader, one of the EGs recently Became
Engaged, but you can Bet Your Boots she isn't planning to go around
Discussing the Wedding Plans, and Only the Wedding Plans, with Everyone
She Meets from Now until Her Wedding Day! And while cette EG is
Unabashedly Thrilled about her Upcoming Nuptials, all may Rest Assured
that she's not going to try to go over the Hors d'Oeuvres Selections
avec Her Mother while a Wee Funeral is going on, either! But the
EGs digress.
We would not worry, Dear Reader, about Stealing
Her Thunder. We'd recommend telling your parents Right Away--there's
no need to wait until the Rude Bride is off on her Rude Honeymoon.
Perhaps it wouldn't be the Nicest Idea to stage an Elaborate Re-Enactment
of The Proposal during the Ceremony (un peu inappropriate), but
you should certainly not feel guilty about sharing Your Happy News
with Your Family. And of course, Dear Reader, you're not going to
be trotting around the Reception yelling, "I'M ENGAGED! LOOK,
LOOK, LOOK AT MY RING! YEEHAW!" whilst High-Fiving Everyone
In Sight, n'est-ce pas? It's perfectly proper to tell people quietly
at any time. An Engagement is Happy News, and it is Certainly Not
Cause for the Bride to feel Upstaged. As a matter of fact, she should
be very happy that you will also be Getting Married! (However, we
suspect that for Brides like this Rude Bride, the Wedding Itself
becomes more important than The Fact That They Are Getting Married,
and believe us, you don't want to get the EGs started on that.)
Best of luck to you, Dear Reader! Let us know
how it goes!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I simply Adore your website and your Book. Thank
you ever so much for all of the wonderful knowledge that has now
filled my brain beyond capacity.
My question is: What is the proper way to wear
one's wedding and engagement rings? I was once told that one would
wear the wedding band over the engagement ring, sort of "sealing"
the betrothal. However, every single woman I have seen wears the
rings in the opposite manner, band than ring above it. Is there
a proper way to wear the rings? Or can one wear them as one wishes?
I hope that there is an answer available for this
head-scratcher.
TTFN,
Miss T.Z.
P.S. The EG's Artichoke Dip was the hit at my office's Halloween
Pot Luck Luncheon. Thank You!
Dear Miss T.Z.,
First, thank you so much for your Nice Words about
us! We are particularly happy that the Artichoke Dip was a Big Success
for you.
Now, we're pleased to answer Your Question. A
woman wears her wedding ring at the base of her finger, with her
Engagement Ring above it (if she chooses to wear her Engagement
Ring after Her Marriage, that is). As we've heard it explained,
the Wedding Band should be Closer to One's Heart. (For this reason,
a woman wears her Engagement Ring on her Right Hand during her Wedding
Ceremony, so that the Wedding Band may be put on in its Proper Place.
After the Ceremony, she transfers her Engagement Ring back to her
Left Hand.)
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dearest Etiquette Grrls,
I read your site regularly and I look forward
to it. My fiancé has also become a fan of yours. Yay! We
are getting married in two and a half weeks, and my family is outraged
that his mother is wearing a white dress to our wedding (after I
requested her not to do so). (My fiancé's family are not
Etiquette Fans, to say the least.) She simply doesn't understand
where I am coming from -- that you never ever ever wear white to
a wedding. Unless you are the Bride, of course. Also, I am used
to the idea of the Groom's Mother following the dress of the Brides
Mother. In this case, my mother, who was hoping to wear gloves and
a hat to our (Catholic) Church Wedding, has had to follow the Groom's
Mothers Dress, which is an insult to my Mother. What may I do to
give back this special moment of being the Mother of the Bride to
my Dear Mom?
Bride Brushed Aside
Dear Bride Brushed Aside,
Oh my. We cannot imagine what the Groom's Mother
is Thinking! Yes, Dear Reader, you are quite right -- wearing white
is a big no-no at a Wedding, unless one is the Bride... and it is
an especially big no-no if one is in the Wedding Party! Horrors!
The Etiquette Grrls are wondering, however, if there is someone
who might Prevail Upon Her to See Reason and follow your mother's
example. Perhaps your fiancé could have a Good, Sit-Down
Talk avec his mother? He could explain that it would mean a lot
to him, and to you, and to your mother, if she could wear something
else. You might try to win her over on the Gloves and Hat, too,
but if that's a Lost Cause, we see no reason why Your Mother cannot,
in perfect correctness, wear Gloves and a Hat to Your Wedding. After
all, this is not a statement of Fashion, but a sign of Respect for
the Church wherein the Ceremony will be held. But, Dear Reader,
even if the Groom's Mother continues to be Rude, Stubborn, and Unreasonable,
this cannot take away the fact that Your Mother is the Mother of
the Bride. Nothing this other woman does, or wears, can diminish
that. Thank you, Dear Reader, for visiting our site frequently,
and we send you all good wishes!
Best of luck,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I was married in December and am unable to say
that I have completed writing all my thank-you notes to all my husband's
friends, relatives, and colleagues. How shameful is this? Shall
I express any remorse for my tardiness in the thank-you notes? Please
advise. Thank you.
A Belated Bride
Dear Belated Bride,
Oh, that is Shameful Indeed! So Shameful that
the EGs are, as we speak, Tossing Back a Restorative G&T to
Calm Our Nerves! While we understand that after an event like A
Wedding, it is a Formidable Task to Take Pen to Paper so many times,
it is of the Utmost Importance to complete one's Thank-You Notes
in a Timely Manner! Yes, absolutely, you should Express Your Remorse--which
should be Immense Indeed. And furthermore, Dear Reader, do we correctly
understand that you have sent Thank-You Notes to your friends, relatives,
and colleagues, yet you have neglected to send them to Your Husband's?
That, Dear Reader, is Even More Shameful. Stop reading this Right
Now, and Start Writing! We mean it! STAT!
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am going to an engagement party this weekend
and the invitation read, "no gifts please." I'm planning
on buying them a wedding gift, but wondered what I should bring,
if anything, to the engagement party? I hate going empty-handed.
I was going to bring flowers for the hostess, but what should I
bring the happy couple?
Flustered Guest
Dear Flustered Guest,
You need not Worry One Bit about what to bring.
Gifts are Optional at all Engagement Parties. We think bringing
flowers to the Hostess is a Lovely Idea, though--for the Happy Couple,
a Lovely Card expressing Your Good Wishes, or, indeed, Those Good
Wishes expressed In Person, will be Perfectly Fine.
As ever,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What does the word "RSVP" on invitation
cards mean?
Jovie
Dear Jovie,
It means you should Buy Things You Need to Be
Told, Our Book. Tee hee!
The EGs are just having a Bit of Fun with you,
Dear Reader. "R.S.V.P." is not A Word. It is An Acronym
for the French phrase, "Répondez S'il Vous Plaît."
Translated, this means, "Please respond," so you are Bound
By Etiquette to let the Hostess know whether or not you plan to
Grace the Event With Your Presence.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Darling Friends,
I write to you again after recovering from a serious
bout of the Vapors.
My friend, in whose wedding I am to be in later
this summer, informed me today that she put her wedding invitations
in the mail over the weekend and that I should expect mine any day.
Indeed, when I arrived home from work, it was waiting for me (Crane's,
of course--but that's another story). I eagerly opened up the inner
envelope, not knowing what to expect, since I had not seen a proof
of the invitation before she purchased them. When I pulled the card
out, something stuck to the tissue paper and fell to the floor.
It was a small white card. I picked it up, thinking that the couple
had enclosed a parking voucher or a direction card of some sort.
(In my own wedding next year, we are paying our guests' parking
and will have to enclose their tickets, similar in size and color,
with the invites).
I was wrong.
It was a bridal registry card. I gasped.
There it was, in black and white. The store name,
the account number, and other information necessary to run out to
the nearest galleria of kitchen gadgetries and purchase ostentatiously
priced items! Are people supposed to now know what gifts are acceptable
as admission items to this event?
I beseech you, What Was She Thinking?
As an aside, when she asked about the invitations
and I mumbled a feeble, "They were lovely," she announced,
"Crane's, of course. And you know how PRICEY they are--"
(rolling her eyes around, making sure everyone in Starbucks heard
her) "but I figured, if I can spend $3,000 on my dress, good
stationery won't kill me."
It was all I could do to drag myself into the
car and drive home.
1. How do I live through a weekend wedding with
this woman? The Hamptons may not prove large enough for both of
us.
2. What is the deal with the damn registry card?
What should she have done to let people know where her stuff was
listed, if anything?
I need a mint julep. Excuse me.
Shocked Yet Again In the Midwest
Dear S.Y.A.I.T.M.,
While you're making Mint Juleps, would you please
Mix Up Two More? The EGs need a Restorative Drink too, after hearing
Your Story!
Dear Reader, we do not know What This Girl Was
Thinking. While the EGs often seem Rather Omniscient, we cannot
understand What The Hell Was Going Through Her Head. To include
Registry Information in an Invitation is Too Tacky For Words (T.T.F.W.)!!!
And discussing How Much Things Cost is Even More Tacky!
Now, the EGs are not Mental Health Experts, but
we oftentimes wonder if Those Folks who write the DSM-V ought to
include "Pre-Wedding Bridal Psychosis" as an Abnormal
Psychiatric State. If you are indeed a Very Good Friend of hers,
you might Have a Word with her, but if she is truly Pre-Wedding
Psycho, your words might go In One Ear and Out The Other. We suggest
that you Get to Know the Other Bridesmaids--if you cannot reason
with her As A Group, you can, at least, know that You Are Not Alone
in This Trying Experience. As for what people should do to spread
the word about Their Registry, well, it is T.T.F.W. for the Bride
Herself to Breathe a Word about this to ANY guest, except if they
Ask Her Directly. Otherwise, she will seem Greedy. At most, she
should simply let the members of the Bridal Party Know, and count
on them to Spread the Word if Anyone Should Ask.
Now, let's mix another round of Mint Juleps.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Is it appropriate to wear a bright red dress to
a wedding? The wedding is a formal evening affair, and the dress
would be appropriate for any other formal evening event. It is flattering
but not overly sexy (narrow A-line skirt, full-length, no slits,
sleeveless with a scooped neckline that only shows the slightest
hint of cleavage), but I'm worried it might be too attention-getting
because of its bright colour.
Fashion Un-Conscious
Dear Fashion Un-Conscious,
Honestly, the EGs aren't so sure about this. Are
we talking Glowing Scarlet? Like the color of a Bullfighter's Cape,
or a Fire Engine, or a Really Ripe Tomato? If so, we think the dress
might be Un Peu Too Flashy. We think it's very, very difficult to
carry off Really Loud Colors, particularly at events when Your Outfit
should not be Distracting (e.g., weddings, funerals, Art Heists,
etc.). The last thing a Girl Wants, Dear Reader, is for someone
to notice the color of your dress before they notice YOU-- and it's
particularly terrible if someone notices the color of your dress
before they notice, say, The Bride. We think a dress in the style
you described might be okay (with the addition of a Nice Wrap for
Your Shoulders, and assuming the neckline is more reminiscent of,
say, Audrey Hepburn than of the St. Pauli Girl), but do ask a Dear
Friend with Very Good Taste about the Color, since the EGs can't
take a look at it ourselves. A more muted color in the red family,
such as a lovely Burgundy shade, might be more suitable.
Yours truly,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My husband and I are invited to a wedding. The
Bride is the sister of a friend. We barely know the Bride and Groom.
We are unable to attend the wedding because of a prior commitment.
Are we required to send a wedding gift anyway? Please let us know.
Sending My Regrets
Dear Sending My Regrets,
No. If you barely know the Happy Couple, they
should have sent you a Wedding Announcement rather than an Invitation.
Inviting people one Hardly Knows to One's Wedding strikes the Etiquette
Grrls as Fishing for Presents, which is Terribly Rude.
Yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Hello again. Thanks for your help last time! I
love the response; it was what I was hoping to read.
Could you help me out with a quandary I have at
the moment? What is the definitive answer on the length of time
that one has to give a wedding present? I've heard one month, six
months, and one year, but I'm not too sure. What do you think?
Many thanks,
Julia
Dear Julia,
Thank you, Dear Reader! We're always happy to
hear that Our Humble Advice has Aided one of our Dear Readers! Well,
we've heard the one-year business too, and we don't really get it.
A year? An entire year? To send one gift? Why would anyone want
to wait that long? The Etiquette Grrls, being From New England,
are Rather Fond of Promptness. We think you should send gifts before
the wedding, or bring them to the reception (most easily done when
the gift is small, of course). We hope this helps!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First of all, thank you for creating an informative
and entertaining site. Lord knows, the web needs more of those.
Second, I am coming to you today asking more for
advice than an answer to an etiquette question. Since one of you
is engaged, I thought that you might have some helpful, objective
advice pertaining to my upcoming nuptials. I prefer to have a destination
wedding, that is, I want to go to someplace away from home (i.e.,
Jamaica, Hawaii) to have my wedding. Destination weddings are a
breeze to plan, and I am not too fond of being the center of a big
production as I would be in a traditional wedding. My fiancé
and his parents want to have the traditional wedding.
Friends and family tell me that it is "my"
day, and that I should have the final word. I feel that it is "our"
day, and that we need to make a compromise. It may also be noted
that I have a feeling that I will be paying for it all. I would
genuinely appreciate any comments or suggestions you may have.
Sincerely,
Engaged and Confused
Dear Engaged and Confused,
Congratulations! We'd be happy to put in Our Two
Cents' Worth. The EGs think you're correct… a compromise would
be in order here. Perhaps there are elements of the two kinds of
Weddings that you might combine, pleasing everyone? You don't necessarily
have to be the Center of a Big Production even if you stay in Your
Hometown, and, likewise, you can have a very Traditional Wedding
in, say, Tuscany. Furthermore, if you're worried about the planning
aspect of it, we'd urge you to be careful of Destination Weddings…
there often are a lot of Hoops to Jump Through regarding residency
requirements, licenses, and that sort of thing, and it may be more
of a hassle than you realize now. At this point, we'd recommend
that you and your fiancé investigate all the options very
thoroughly. What exactly do he and his family mean by a "Traditional
Wedding"? What seems most attractive to you about a Destination
Wedding? From your letter, it sounds like the ease of planning…
but there may be a Nice Hotel in your area with an experienced Wedding
Coordinator who could make things go just as smoothly as a Wedding
Coordinator at a Resort in Hawaii… and you'll save on the
long-distance bills. Then, once you have all the information, sit
down with your fiancé and discuss the pros and cons of everything…
at least then, if anyone is disappointed by what you two decide,
you can truly say you've done your research and chosen, together,
what you felt was the best option. Let us know what you decide!
And thank you, Dear Reader, for complimenting our site. We're very
flattered!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
A girlfriend who is recently engaged was told
by her fiancé that he needs a break and wants to reconsider
his proposal. How long is she to put her life on hold while he decides
if he does or does not want to get married? Should she be expected
to leave the home they share while they are on a break (the mortgage
is in his name)? Lastly, is it appropriate for her to date others
while on this break? Thanks for the advice, and your site rocks!
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
A "break"? He wants to "reconsider
his proposal"? The EGs are Aghast, Dear Reader, that your friend
would tolerate Such Nonsense from a Boy! Let's just be Absolutely
Clear, everyone: Your Engagement is not a 'Phone Call. You are not
permitted to put it "on hold"! Either the Engagement is
On, or it is Off--there is no State of Engagement Purgatory in between.
If the Poor Girl were a friend of ours, we'd tell her to Run Like
Hell--out of the Shared House, and, certainly, Out of the Engagement.
We're very glad you like our site, Dear Reader,
and we hope our advice is helpful!
Most sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First, the good news... My fiancé and I
have been shopping for engagement rings, and I found one I really
want.
Now the bad news... Yesterday, I ran into one
of his friends and he mentioned THE ring and the cost!
I'm VERY UPSET!!!! I don't think the cost of my
engagement ring is a subject for public disclosure. I have already
expressed my feelings to my fiancé and he agreed not to speak
of the price to anyone else.
I don't even want to talk about rings and honeymoon
plans right now because I'm so upset. I don't want to call off the
engagement, but I don't know what to do. What is my next move? I
don't think I can get the ring I want; I would feel uncomfortable
knowing strangers know more about the ring than I would have divulged
to them.
HELP!!!
Diamond Dilemma
Dear Diamond Dilemma,
First things first: The EGs definitely do not
approve of people going around discussing How Much Things Are Worth.
This is, indeed, Very Rude. We hear, Far, Far Too Often, "What
a swell Vintage Coat! How much did you pay for it?" and we
are always Rather Offended. So we think you were right to bring
this to the attention of Your Fiancé. We also think that
his response--of promising not to discuss this with Others--is appropriate.
However, Dear Reader, the EGs are rather troubled
by the particular things you seem most concerned about. The EGs
beg to remind you that Your Engagement is Not About Your Ring. No
matter what Those Rules Girls would have you believe, this is simply
not so! Do you want to Marry This Boy, or just Wear a Diamond? If
it's merely a Pretty Ring you want, there's nothing Stopping You
from trotting over to the nearest Tiffany's and plunking down your
VISA! Dear Reader, the EGs are not trying to be Mean--we just think
you need to Take a Deep Breath and Gain Some Perspective. You mentioned
"Rings and honeymoon plans"--aren't you forgetting that
Wee Thing called A Wedding that usually comes between them? And
what about the Years of Marriage that then follow? If the EGs may,
for a moment, impersonate Those Mysterious People Who Write the
SAT, Your Engagement Ring : Your Marriage :: The Fact that You Have
Nice Writing Paper : Writing a Thank-You Note. It's nice if Your
Ring (and Your Writing Paper) are Exquisite. But it's not more important
than the Latter Item in each half of the Analogy! As long as your
fiancé keeps his word and doesn't discuss What Things Cost
from now on, we think you can probably deal avec the fact that one
person knows how much your potential Engagement Ring might be worth.
Dear Reader, repeat after the EGs: IT IS NOT ABOUT THE RING. We
hope you can Get Over This, and we wish you and your fiancé
good luck and happiness.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What does it mean if someone is invited to a bridal
shower and not to the wedding?
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
It means, "The Bride is Horrifically Greedy."
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
The girl broke off our wedding engagement. Do
I get the ring back? Should I ask for it, or let her give it back
if she wants to?
Jilted
Dear Jilted,
Yes, You Poor Dear, you get the ring back! No
decent girl would dream of keeping a ring after an Engagement has
Ended, especially if she is the One Who Ended It! (In fact, Dear
Reader, we have heard that if you live in New York State, she is
Required By Law to return the ring to you. But we're not the Free
Legal Advice Grrls, so you might consult a Lawyer Friend.) If she
is So Impolite as to Keep It, sure, go ahead and ask her for it.
Yours sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I received an e-mail from my daughter recently,
informing me that she and her husband have registered at a local
department store for their one-year anniversary. She has conveniently
added a list of other possible choices in gifts that we might wish
to pick from. Since when do people register for one-year anniversary
gifts, and does this type of thing continue throughout a couple's
entire marriage? Am I wrong in feeling that this is a rather greedy
and uncouth request? After all, my husband and I did pay for her
wedding one year ago. She has e-mailed this same request to several
other family members and quite frankly, I'm embarrassed by her behavior.
Please reply!!!
Mortified Mother
Dear Mortified Mother,
This crazy registering business has Got to Stop,
Immediately!!! The EGs aren't sure when this Started, Dear Reader,
but believe us, we do not Condone It--for a first anniversary or
any anniversary thereafter. EVER. And no, Dear Reader, you are certainly
not Wrong in considering your daughter's behavior to be Greedy and
Uncouth. Even if for some reason she could have Convinced Herself
that she Should Register, she should under no circumstances have
Spread the Word to Her Family!! The EGs just abhor Greediness! We
are very sorry, Dear Reader, that your daughter has behaved like
this, but we have an idea for a good Anniversary Present for her.
Just Follow This Link.
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Next week I will be meeting up with some Friends
of my Grandparents (Lovely People) for Lunch or peut-être
Un Café while they are Visiting my City. They recently got
Engaged (at the Ages of 70 and 74!) and I would like to Congratulate
them in the Appropriate Manner. Would giving them a Small Bunch
of Beaux Fleurs be okay, or should I just express my Most Sincere
Congratulations and enjoy the time I spend with them?
Merci!
Well-wisher
Dear Well-wisher,
Oh, How Sweet! Flowers would make a lovely gift,
but if the couple is visiting your town, presenting them with flowers
may be A Bit of A Hassle for them. If you take them to lunch, and
they're planning An Afternoon of Museum-Going, it might be Un Peu
Inconvenient to Tote the Flowers Around... or have to Drop Them
Off at Their Hotel. Why not get them a Wee Something that will remind
them of Their Trip? Is there a Local Specialty, like Maple Sugar
Candy, that would be easier to Carry Around than Flowers? Or perhaps
a Nice Book on Your City's History? If you want to do the Flowers,
perhaps you could have a small arrangement sent to Their Hotel in
advance of their arrival. We hope you have a Grand Time, and do
convey the EGs' Best Wishes to the Happy Couple!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I love your site, and your book is great. I don't have an etiquette
question, but I thought I'd share a story that my friend told me
recently that's both appalling and funny. My friend's parents were
invited to a wedding of a friend from work. Now we know that it's
horribly tacky to include a registry card in a wedding invitation,
but I must say that it's even worse to hand out "wish lists"
at work-- which is exactly what this bride-to-be did. When my friend's
parents attended this wedding (with an expensive gift from the request
list in tow) they were shocked to see that they were the only ones
dressed appropriately for a wedding! Everyone else was wearing jeans
and other casual clothes, including the bride and groom! It gets
worse. The reception was held in a cafeteria and the food being
served consisted of cheap beer, soda, and the main dish, rice and
beans. And the tables were called up one by one to get their food
(they had to serve themselves...). Does this horrify you as much
as if horrified me?
A Dear Reader
Dear Dear Reader,
In a Word, Yes!!! Arrrgh! Pitcher Number Two of G&Ts will now
surely be Necessary! We have Had It Up to Here with the Greediness
that Comes Out at People's Weddings! Now, we have no problem with
Modest Celebrations, such as Potlucks, Nice Picnics, Barbecues,
Garden Teas, etc. These can be Quite Lovely, and honestly, no wedding
guest should expect anything more than the pleasure of Sharing the
Joy of the Day with the Newly-Married Couple. In fact, the EGs will
take a Simple Buffet Reception held in the Bride's Parents' Back
Yard over a Big, Splashy, "Look at how much money I dropped
on this party" Reception (complete with Champagne Fountain,
Dove Release, Horse-Drawn Carriage, Eight-Foot Tall Cake, and some
sort of Laser Light Show set to a Bette Midler Medley) ANY DAY!
To this point, one's impression of an event is colored so much by
what one thinks of the People Hosting It. If the Young Couple had
Very, Very Limited Means, but put a Lot of Effort into creating
a pleasant gathering for Their Guests, they could have served Lemonade
and Cookies and everyone would have had a Smashing Time. This Young
Bride, however, seems to care primarily about How Much Stuff She'll
Net, and that attitude would make the Most Elegant Reception in
The World seem Tacky.
The EGs have Said This Before, but we'll say it again, in case
anyone was Napping. Putting Registry Cards in ANY invitation, distributing
"Wish Lists," etc., etc., is just The Height Of Rudeness
(THOR). The EGs don't approve of Greediness! Ever!
We're so happy you like our site and our book, Dear Reader! Perhaps
it might make an Ideal Present for these Newlyweds, who clearly
Could Use It.
All best,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
What is the correct way for a young gentleman
to reply to a (very tasteful) wedding invitation that (quite rightly,
perhaps?) lacks a response card (and stamped envelope, to boot!)?
Prostrate before your wisdom, I remain, sincerely
yours...
An Invited Guest
Dear Invited Guest,
Back In The Day, invitations did not come with
Response Cards. These are a Recent Invention aimed at Getting the
Silly Guests to RSVP, Already!, and are not required enclosures
in invitations of any sort. Many hostesses do find them Convenient,
but should you receive an invitation sans Response Card, you should
respond in the Traditional Manner. You do this simply by mirroring
the form of the Invitation in your reply. For example, if the invitation
reads:
Mr. and Mrs. Tripplethorn Wentworth
III
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Miranda Smythe
to
Mr. William Knightly
Saturday, the twenty-third of September
at seven o'clock
Princeton University Chapel
Princeton, New Jersey
then you would reply:
Mr. Invited Guest
accepts with pleasure (or regrets that he is unable to accept)
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Tripplethorn Wentworth III
for Saturday, the twenty-third of September
You should use plain white or ivory writing paper
and dark blue or black ink, and you should center your reply on
the page. (This may take some practice.) We hope this helps, and
that (if you are accepting the invitation) you have a smashing time
at the wedding!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My fiancé and I are getting married this
October in Las Vegas. We're not really eloping, since we've told
everyone. Many of our friends and family members are coming with
us. Would it be rude to send invitations out, even though we're
not having a full shebang wedding and it attending requires plane
tickets and hotel rooms for everyone? We still would like as many
people as possible to join us. Most of our friends and family members
would have to fly to where we live now for a traditional wedding
anyway. Why not make it more fun and have a half-a-shebang wedding
in Vegas? What do you think? Should we make an announcement or just
shut up?
Bride in Vegas
Dear Bride in Vegas,
Well, there's nothing wrong with simply getting
married in Another City or, indeed, Another Country, and inviting
Your Friends and Family to be there. In fact, it's Quite Nice of
You to want them to come, and to be concerned about the expense
for them. What, however, is a "half-a-shebang" wedding?
It's still a ceremony and reception, right? We're just concerned
that if you're planning, say, one of those Drive-Thru Weddings which
one can indeed have in Vegas, your guests might feel un peu silly
for having traveled any great distance to attend. We think it's
OK for you to send out invitations as long as you are going to have
something people can, in fact, attend and enjoy. If it is going
to be a very, very small wedding, which many people cannot attend,
you might choose to send invitations only to a very select group
and announcements to everyone else.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First, thank you for your Lovely and Inspiring
Column. It has been a Source of Joy for moi et mes copains. I have
even linked to you on my website. But now I have a Dilemma that
perhaps you can help me with.
Several weeks ago, I and mon tres cher ami sent
a Gift Certificate to my Brother and His Bride-to-Be. It was sent
express mail and did not reach them before they left for the Wedding;
hence, it was eventually returned to The Shop.
The Shop called me sometime later to inquire how
the gift might be delivered. I then emailed them to explain, sorrowfully,
that while the Wedding took place as scheduled, four days later
my Dear Brother passed away unexpectedly. They were So Sorry and
credited my account.
What shall I do, dear EGs? My Dear Brother's Widow
is in Pain. I do not wish to Trouble Her; yet, they were indeed
married. I do not wish to ignore this fact by neglecting to give
her something. And yet she is in No State to cope with Wedding Gifts.
Any suggestions, EGs? I await your advice.
Best wishes,
Sorrowful Sister
Dear Sorrowful Sister,
Let us first express Our Condolences to you. You
have our Deepest Sympathy for the loss of Your Brother.
What a heart-breaking situation, Dear Reader.
We commend you for trying to do the Right Thing... and we think
thus far that you have. We agree that a Traditional Wedding-y Gift
would not be Appropriate right now, given the circumstances. However,
we do think that a gift presented to Your Brother's Widow in Memory
of Him could be a beautiful and gracious thing to do. Perhaps you
could make a Donation to Their Favorite Charity? Or purchase something
that simply reminds you of Your Brother-- a framed photograph of
a place that you associate with him, or a beautiful edition of a
book you know he loved-- and give it to His Widow. You need not
say it's in lieu of a Wedding Gift; you can just express Your Sympathy
to her, and say, "I thought you might like to have this. It
reminded me so much of my brother."
Most sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My son will be getting married in November. I
am his birth mother. He is now thirty years old. I gave him up for
adoption when I was sixteen. We were reunited six years ago and
have flourished. Not only is he getting married, I am officiating
as the Justice of the Peace.
I have two questions. His adoptive mother will
also be there, of course. Our idea is for myself, my husband (not
his father), and his adoptive mother to enter the reception hall
together and be introduced as my son's parents--simple without a
lot of complicated explanations.
Also, in this case, who should do the blessing
before the meal? I feel it should be the oldest member present--either
a patriarch or matriarch on either side. Does this sound right?
Can't find any etiquette in the books on this one. Hope you can
help. Thank you very much!
Birth Mother of the Groom
Dear Birth Mother of the Groom,
How do your son and his adoptive parents feel
about the order of introductions as you enter the Reception Hall?
We think that your instinct of avoiding "complicated explanations"
is a good one--but this plan should be something your son favors.
Etiquette for blessing food varies. Without listing
every possible situation, the Etiquette Grrls feel it would be nice
to ask any Priest or Ordained Minister who might be In Attendance
to Say the Blessing. Otherwise, the EGs are Big Fans of Honoring
Our Elders, and we think it would be Peachy Keen to ask an Older
Relative of the Bride or Groom to Say Grace. But do ask this person
well in advance, and make sure he or she is In Favor of the Idea!
It is Quite Rude Indeed to surprise someone, especially at a Large
Event like a Wedding Reception, and ask them to Please Say Grace
In Front of Everyone! Some people have Public-Speaking Issues, and
some people just aren't comfortable in this sort of situation, so
please make certain that Your Candidate for Say-er of Grace is Actually
Happy to Take Part.
Best wishes to you and your son,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I am eleven years old, and I was just the bridesmaid
in my parents' wedding. My parents have been together for thirteen
years, and when I tell people about the wedding, they look confused.
Do you have any suggestions for polite ways to deal with this problem?
Sincerely,
Maid of Honor
Dear Maid of Honor,
We're sure Other People don't mean to be Confused,
but, as you probably have noticed, Other People can be Rather Dense.
Our advice is to try to Ignore any Clueless Looks you might encounter.
If you feel some explanation beyond "I was a bridesmaid in
my parents' wedding" would help, we think the way you phrased
things in your question was Perfectly Clear. However, please do
not feel you owe An Explanation to anyone! No one should even DREAM
of asking questions about Your Parents' Relationship, and you should
feel free to tell them as much, or as little, as you want. Dear
Reader, try to Forgive the Clueless People. It's a Shame, but they
just Don't Know Any Better. We think it is Very Sweet that you're
worried about how to Deal With Them, when they are the Rude Ones!
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I recently discovered your web site, and I am
delighted by it! What a treat. Thank you. I think you are just the
grrls to advise me about a dilemma I am having.
My briefcase was recently stolen. While it was
terribly distressing to lose such valuables as my passport, checkbook,
and keys, that was not the worst of it. My engagement ring, which
I was taking to the jewelers for cleaning, was also in the stolen
briefcase! My dear husband and I were both in tears upon realizing
that the ring was gone. Months have gone by, so I believe the police
will not find it. My husband, naturally, wishes to replace it.
My original ring was too wide to wear next to
my wedding band, so I wore my engagement ring on my right hand after
the wedding. Since we're going to replace it anyway, I decided I
would prefer a ring that will fit on the same finger with my wedding
band. My husband is fine with the replacement being something other
than an exact replica. It then occurred to us that since our five-year
anniversary is approaching, we could purchase an anniversary band
instead of replacing the engagement ring (which, after all, is irreplaceable).
My dilemma is this: I had always considered anniversary
bands tacky. I thought of them as the jewelry industry's version
of Secretary's Day (and other such "holidays" invented
by the greeting card industry). Is this just a personal pet peeve?
Are anniversary bands generally considered tacky, or are they as
acceptable as any other form of (nice) jewelry? Are there other
etiquette implications when replacing a stolen engagement ring after
one is already married? I eagerly await your advice.
Sincerely,
T.L.
Dear T.L.,
Oh, How Distressing! The EGs cannot even think
How Distraught we would be to have Suffered Such a Loss! You Poor
Dear! We do hope that despite the Amount of Time which has passed,
a Sharp-Witted Officer of the Law will Crack the Case and Recover
Your Ring.
The EGs, also, think the idea of "Anniversary
Bands" is rather Tacky. We're always a little bit suspicious
of Those DeBeers Ads. What's next, the "Birth of Your First
Child Tennis Bracelet"? But we digress. Dear Reader, remember
that what is Tacky about "Anniversary Bands" is only that
they are Marketed as Anniversary Bands. Plenty of people had that
same Style of Ring well before the Marketing People got their Grubby
Little Hands on it and decided it should be called an "Anniversary
Band." In fact, when EGL and Her Then-Boyfriend (Now Fiancé)
were strolling through Jewelry Stores, looking at Rings, a nice
salesman in Shreve's told us that the three-stone engagement ring
has always been popular In Boston, and that he thinks it is a Bit
Odd that it is now being called an "Anniversary Band."
Formerly, he said, it was simply known as a Boston Setting. So,
Dear Reader, we say, if you like the Style of a Ring, get it, and
To Hell avec the Marketing Spin! And might we suggest looking at
Estate Jewelry? That, after all, was made before Those Annoying
Diamond Ads, and thus bears Absolutely None of Their Sleaziness.
Many thanks for saying such Nice Things about
Our Site! We do hope this has helped you, Dear Reader--let us know
what kind of ring you choose!
Most sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
One of my closest long-term friends has announced
her engagement, and asked me to be her "maid of honor."
I am delighted and thrilled to stand by her side as she takes her
vows, but I'm not sure what else this position of honor entails,
as I am a man, and have never attended a bridal shower (which I
believe I am supposed to throw). I plan to assist with local arrangements,
as she lives across the country but will be getting married here.
What else should I expect in this otherwise traditional ceremony?
(Don't be ridiculous, I am not wearing a dress!)
Mr. Maid of Honor
Dear Mr. Maid of Honor,
Sometimes the EGs think they have seen it all,
but we have not seen a male maid of honor. Not yet, anyway. However,
you must have a very special friendship with the Bride-To-Be, if
she has asked you to take such an important role at an otherwise
traditional wedding! We imagine that the Future Bride would be your
best source for what to expect during the ceremony. While we could
tell you what the general duties of a MOH are, the Bride may want
to alter them slightly to suit her ceremony, so we recommend you
ask her to go through the plan in detail. As for the shower, that
is traditionally held by the MOH, but perhaps you might work with
other members of the bridal party to plan it, as they will probably
be more familiar with what goes on than you. You sound like a Great
Sport to participate in Your Friend's Wedding, and the Etiquette
Grrls send our best wishes! Do send updates!
Cheers,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I love the site! Maybe you can help me with yet
another wedding question. My brother married his girlfriend of ten
years last summer and I made it through the event without making
any major faux pas, but now it is time for me to give them a first
anniversary gift. I know there are specific gift themes for each
year of marriage, but I have no idea where to find them listed.
I saw some really cute things in tin, could that be the theme for
year number one?
Please advise,
Sister-in-Crisis
Dear Sister-in-Crisis,
Thank you so much for your kind words! The theme
for a first anniversary is Paper. Which means, of course, that one
of the EGs' very favorite things, Lovely Writing Paper, would make
a perfect gift.
Have fun shopping,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
First off, thank you for maintaining such a wonderful
site. It's become my Monday afternoon tradition to read your thoughtful
(and often very entertaining) advice.
Now I would like to ask for a bit of guidance.
I recently became engaged (and haven't stopped smiling since, although
I've been trying not to make "I'm getting married!" the
very first thing I say to people). My fiancé and I, having
never been engaged before, are at a loss for what we should do now
that we've told our immediate family and friends. Should we tell
our distant family now, or just send them a wedding announcement
when the time comes?
Also, my parents are separated and my father is
in a difficult financial situation whereas my mother has retired
and is doing quite well for herself. They get along very well, but
I'm concerned that my dad will feel bad that he will not be able
to help us out with the wedding. We're more concerned about *actually
getting married* than having the elaborate niceties (although it
would be nice to do something special, since this is the biggest
party we'll ever throw)... My question (pardon my rambling) is this:
can you think of some way that I can ask my dad to be involved in
the planning process without in a way that the financial issue isn't
an issue? I'd really like him to be a part of everything and I don't
want him to feel frustrated.
Thank you very much, and again thank you for such
a wonderful site and congratulations on your book! I'm looking forward
to reading it.
Sincerely,
Jenn
Dear Jenn,
First, the EGs would like to offer you our Congratulations
and Very Best Wishes on your Engagement! What splendid news, Dear
Reader! And thank you ever so much for your kind words about Our
Site and Our Book. We are very glad you visit us each Monday!
Regarding Distant Relatives, the EGs think you
probably do not have to call, or write, to them all and announce
your engagement to them. We do assume that you mean your second
cousin, twice removed, who lives 3,000 miles away, and with whom
you do not normally correspond or exchange telephone calls. If you
do, perchance, happen to speak or write to this second cousin, you
would of course share your news, but you don't need to do so just
because you are Related. If, however, we're talking about your second
cousin, twice removed, who lives 3,000 miles away but with whom
you spent every single summer of your childhood at the Family Beach
House, well, then, you might want to drop her a line. Then you would
say something like, "Dear Priscilla, I know it's been ages
since we've talked, but I simply had to write and share some Very
Big News with you... I'm engaged! I so wish we weren't so distant,
because I would really love to introduce my fiancé, Roderick,
to you and your husband. We plan to be married next June 22... it
would be really wonderful if you could be there, but of course I
understand that it would be Quite a Trek for you. I hope all is
going very well for you out in Portland... how is the New House,
and how are things going at work?... etc." Of course, if your
family is anything like that of the Recently-Engaged EG, the grapevine,
led by the Etiquette Mom, will take care of notifying every single
relative.
Dear Reader, we think there are plenty of ways
you can involve your dad in the Wedding Planning without Hitting
Him Up for Cash! We do think it might be a good idea to sit down,
individually, with him and with Your Mom to go over the budget and,
in the case of your dad, let him know that while you don't expect
him to make a big financial contribution, you hope he will be involved
with Planning the Wedding. (The EGs aren't terribly keen on discussing
money, but in a case like this we feel it would be the best thing
to do. It would be bad if your dad, say, took out a Second Mortgage
or something silly like that just because you hadn't discussed things.)
Does your dad like Music? Maybe he can help you select songs for
the ceremony, or help you evaluate musicians' demo tapes. Maybe
he could help you with the Seating Plan for the reception... or
pick Readings for the Ceremony... we think that asking someone's
opinion on Significant Issues is a nice honor, and a good way to
make someone feel involved, even if they're not Writing Out Checks.
Best of luck to you, Dear Reader, in Planning
Your Wedding, and we wish you and Your Future Husband Much Happiness!
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I just received a note from a friend stating how
nice it was to have me at her wedding, which was about 10 months
ago. She also thanked me for the forthcoming gift and assured me
her and her husband would enjoy it. Yes, I have dragged my feet,
but I also was under the impression it was acceptable to give a
wedding gift within a year following the wedding. I saw my friend
shortly after the wedding and made it clear I knew she hadn't yet
received my gift, but I wouldn't forget her. Now, I feel like a
scolded child and her expectance reduces any joy I have in giving
the gift. I like to send something personal and I do take my time,
but I've never gone over a year and I've never not sent a gift.
Is it better to send a card right away and follow when I find the
right gift to send? Or do I just resort to an impersonal registry
gift? Furthermore, I know I need to have manners in this regard,
so do I just dream about pointing out to my friend how rude it was
to remind me to send her gift or is there a tactful way to let her
know she hurt my feelings?
Un Peu en Retard
Dear Un Peu en Retard,
Okay, Dear Reader, first we need to Make It Clear
that the EGs think the "You have one year to give a Wedding
Gift" rule is A Bunch of Hogwash. What, we wonder, is so Incredibly
Difficult about selecting a Gift, even if One Takes One's Time to
find something Perfect (as one obviously should with Any Gift)?
Usually, one knows about a Dear Friend's Upcoming Wedding well in
advance, and we humbly suggest that if you for some reason feel
you need four months to Shop, you Just Get Started Early. Note that
we are Not Saying to just Pick Something Impersonal and Random from
a Registry, or anything of the sort-- we just think that Procrastination
is Never a Good Thing.
However, isn't your friend is being Quite the
Snippy Little Newlywed! We think it is Extremely Rude and Greedy
of her to send you a Gift Reminder. (Would she, perchance, be the
Sort of Bride who made you Pre-Address the Envelope for Your Thank-You
Note at Her Shower? Just Wondering.) She assured you that "she
and her husband would enjoy it"? What a Catty Thing to Say!
We think that the Best Thing that could come of this would be for
both you and your friend to Change Your Ways and become, respectively,
a Prompt Gift-Giver and an Unselfish Person. (To accomplish this,
we recommend you both read and discuss a copy of This Very Helpful
Book.)
Sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
This letter pertains to an altercation that happened
between a friend of mine and me right after September 11. My friend
was getting married on September 14, and I was slated to travel
to Baltimore from my home in Brooklyn, N.Y., by car on Thursday
night.
Due to the following circumstances, I did not
attend the wedding. First, because of street closings, I was not
able to get to my rental car as of Thursday night (and Friday was
iffy). Taking a train to Baltimore was too expensive, and a bus
was out of the question; neither option permitted travel with a
pet, and I was not leaving my cat alone in my apartment (especially
with the smell and the smoke wafting over my apartment). Plus, everyone
and their brother was trying to leave NYC that week, so the bus
and train stations were a tad crowded. On top of all this, my parents
were strongly advising me to stay put since travel in and out of
NYC was limited at best, and they could tell how absolutely scared
out of my wits I was (I figured out later that I was passing under
the buildings on a subway when the first plane hit). The bride's
parents were already informed that I would not be attending.
The problem came with my friend when I told her
I would not be coming. She didn't think she could forgive me-- this
would be 10 times worse than when we were separated on the bus in
third grade. She mentioned that others were renting cars and driving
(finding another rental in NYC that week was next to impossible,
not to mention expensive). I tried to explain what I was going through,
that I was afraid to leave my house and how disturbing the whole
experience had been to have survived a terrorist attack, but it
was to no avail.
I have not heard from my friend since. My mother
reported that everyone who attended the wedding asked how I was
and understood my desire to not travel. The bride was the only one
without sympathy.
I can see now that it is for the best that this
ungrateful person is out of my life, but I still wanted your take
on the situation. Interestingly, any New Yorker to whom I've related
this story has been appalled; all others are just astounded at the
level of selfishness displayed at such a trying time. I don't think
bride-to-be jitters could excuse her callousness. I could see if
she was upset at losing the money for the dinner, but since I gave
her hundreds of dollars of free design work as a wedding gift, she
made out okay. I was also at her first wedding (at which she was
six months pregnant).
I love your Web site and support your efforts
at making this a more polite and refined world! THANKS!
A Reader in Brooklyn
Dear Reader in Brooklyn,
Holy Mary, Mother of God-- this girl is being
Completely Horrible!! Yes, skipping someone's wedding might be 10
times worse than getting separated on the bus in third grade, but
you were only skipping it as a Direct Consequence of the Most Horrible
Act Ever Committed on American Soil! That's a Little More Serious
than ANYTHING that could have happened while you were on the School
Field Trip to Old Sturbridge Village in 1985! What the hell is WRONG
with her?? No, Dear Reader, nothing excuses Callousness Like This.
Absolutely NOTHING. Even if others were driving down, your city
went through an Unimaginably Terrifying Event, and not everyone
deals with that in the same way! The EGs have some Dear Friends
who wanted to Get Out of Town Immediately, and felt better doing
so, and we have other Dear Friends who were Shell-Shocked, rendered
physically and emotionally incapable of leaving their homes for
Quite a While after September 11. And we understood that These Responses
(and a whole Spectrum of Others) were Totally Acceptable. Oh, Dear
Reader, the EGs' Hearts Break that anyone could be So Mean to someone
who had just lived through Such An Atrocity! For Shame!
We hope you are doing well, Dear Reader, and we
assure you that any person with the Merest Shred of Decency would
have Understood.
Most sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
A friend is getting married in December in a suburb
where everyone pretends they are old money. She and her groom have
decided to make the wedding "black tie optional." Now,
I think this is both ikky and a cop-out. First of all, it's not
prom, and they're not the Royal Family. Secondly, either make it
black tie or don't. If you want your guests to wear black tie, just
tell them to wear black tie. My brother and some other relatives
are threatening to go the pastel tux route (with black ties, of
course.) Is "black tie optional" as rude as I think it
is? What do I wear?
Thank you,
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
You're right! "Black Tie Optional" is
entirely silly! We think this sort of dress code just serves to
make people feel either Conspicuously Overdressed or Conspicuously
Underdressed, and we're not Big Fans of Making Your Guests Feel
Bad About Themselves.
We think the origins of "Black Tie Optional"
were probably In Good Faith, but we still think this needs to stop.
Now. If you would like your guests to wear Black Tie, then say so.
(Of course, the Etiquette Grrls dearly wished we all lived in a
world where everyone simply knew that invitations for weddings,
formal dances, etc., meant "Wear Black Tie" without anyone
having to Say So, but, sadly, those days are Long Gone. Sniff.)
Dear Reader, you should really discourage your
relatives from wearing Pastel Tuxes. While this would be funny,
in theory, it's Un Peu Rude to Make a Spectacle of Oneself at someone
else's Wedding. (Although between you, the EGs, and The Lamppost,
we think that These Nincompoops Are Asking For It...) If you happen
to own your own Evening Clothes, then fine, wear them if you feel
like it, otherwise merely wear Your Best Suit.
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
Your site is truly excellent, and quite helpful.
Your Random Capitalization and French-phrase peppering are an entertaining
assertion of style and character.
Anyhow, here is my question: Assuming you're an
average, employed late-twentysomething, neither rich nor poor, what
is a proper amount to spend on a wedding present? Is there a sort
of "schedule" of appropriate expenditure based on your
relationship with the people who are being married?
For example what would you spend for: a family
member vs. close friend vs. co-worker vs. friend in your group but
you're not actually that close to said person?
Or is it totally just a case of "it depends
on how you feel about that person"? I would appreciate your
thoughts.
Perplexed Gift-Giver
Dear Perplexed Gift-Giver,
How kind of you to compliment us on our site!
Merci beaucoup! We're glad you've found our advice helpful; we do
so enjoy answering the Etiquette Quandaries of our Dear Readers.
As for your particular quandary, though... yikes!
While the Etiquette Grrls are All in Favor Of Clear-Cut Rules, there
are just too many variables here. All of the factors you've mentioned
regarding the closeness of the relationship apply, but also, we
imagine the appropriate amount to spend would Vary Widely depending
upon Where You Live (are you in New York? or a Remote Small Town?),
exactly what you mean by "neither rich nor poor" (very
relative to the Circle You Move In), etc.
We would simply say that it is not the amount
you spend but whether the gift accurately conveys how you feel about
its intended recipient. After all, you could find lovely, yet inexpensive,
Silver Candlesticks at a Flea Market, and they might be the perfect
gift for a Very Dear Friend who happens to Collect Silver Candlesticks.
Any bride who would care about how much each guest has spent on
a gift sounds like a Rather Tacky Bride, in the Etiquette Grrls'
opinion, so we would encourage you to enjoy shopping for gifts and
not worry about the price!
Sincerely yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I discovered you through a friend whom I am visiting
in New York. You helped her with a matter pertaining to ladies and
ale. Needless to say, you are now the darling of the beautiful set
in Australia. Much Congrats, you fabulous Creatures. I thought that
I would ask about a certain quandary that I face. The other day
I received a wedding invitation. The couple stated that in lieu
of gifts, guests should deposit money into their bank accounts.
I was horrified. There were many private attacks of the vapours.
This horror does not end here. The Couple then called my friend
in New York to tell of the gift arrangement. She did not say anything
to them, but she felt mortified because she had brought them a beautiful
American quilt, figuring that they would be delighted to receive
a parcel from across the Atlantic. I don't think that she should
have to send money to a wedding that she won't attend. Such Greedy
People don't deserve anything. I know that I am all upset and therefore
possibly un peu irrational, so we could both really do with the
wise counsel of your good selves.
Yours in anticipation,
Horrified Guest
P.S. Why do people sit in the back of cabs here?
It seems awfully unfriendly.
Dear Horrified Guest,
"In lieu of gifts, guests should deposit
money into their bank accounts"??? Pardon the EGs whilst we
toss back a Few G&Ts to Recover Our Composure. We think this
is Unspeakably Rude! Any mention of Gifts on any Invitation is Bad
Manners, but to Demand Cash is the Too Tacky For Words! What's next,
asking for a Blank, Voided Check and the Routing Number of each
Guest's Bank Account so that a Predetermined Amount of Money can
be Directly Deducted? The EGs remind Our Dear Readers that Selecting
Gifts is the Prerogative of the Gift-Giver, and no matter the occasion,
you should feel free to give any gift you feel is Appropriate. The
EGs wouldn't send this Couple One Red Cent, thank you very much.
We think the Beautiful Quilt your friend chose sounds like the Epitome
of Thoughtfulness, and we feel that your friend should definitely
send it instead of Money (assuming she has not chosen to Sever Ties
avec this Rude Couple due to their Horrific Behavior). If you decide
to Forgive the Greedy Couple, you should also shop for a Real Gift--sending
it, rather than the Cash They've Demanded, should Convey the Message
that you've chosen to Ignore their Tacky, Selfish Orders.
Regarding your second question, that's just the
way it works in the U.S., we're afraid. Plus, most cab drivers in
New York are Rather Scary, and we'd rather not be seated in the
front of the car when the driver plows into an Unfortunate Pedestrian
(something we are always Sure Will Happen each time we take a Taxi).
We bet Cabbies in Australia are Rather More Polite, and refrain
from Burning Incense / Listening to Frightening AM "Religious"
Broadcasts / Leering at the EGs, etc.--other reasons we've always
been Thankful there's a Divider between Ourselves and the Driver.
Finally, thank you very much for Your Compliments,
Dear Reader! We have always been grateful to have an International
Audience, and, indeed, to Our Delight, have Corresponded with many
Australian Fans. We hope that Your Circle will not hesitate to Contact
Us with any Etiquette Questions they may have.
Yours sincerely,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I'm trying to plan a wedding for next summer,
but my excitement is starting to wear thin. My parents are not traditional
--my brother is getting married this September and they are splitting
the costs with his fiancé's family. They were expecting to
do the same with my fiancé's family for ours. The catch?
His parents are VERY traditional and will only contribute what is
their responsibility. (This is the answer they gave when we asked.)
Our problem? What, exactly, is the groom's family's responsibility?
The only thing we know is the rehearsal dinner. Other things vary
from magazine to magazine. Some say limos, others the church costs,
some even include flowers. We are at a loss what to expect --and
it would help to know what we need to budget for. (You're probably
thinking why don't we just ask them, but that is simply not done--don't
ask.)
Thanks,
Seriously Considering a Vegas Chapel
Dear Seriously Considering a Vegas Chapel,
Well, honestly, we're not sure the groom's family
has to contribute anything. Traditionally, there are expenses that
are the responsibility of the groom himself, but we've consulted
our favorite Old Etiquette Books, and about the only thing the groom's
family really should do is throw a luncheon, dinner, or party for
their son's fiancée to introduce her to Their Circle of Friends.
There are several things that are, traditionally, the groom's responsibility;
these could, we suppose, be extended to the groom's family, if they
wished to help. Like the Rehearsal Dinner. We're sorry to be the
Bearers of Bad News! However, the Etiquette Grrls wonder, if your
fiancé's parents are truly traditional, why they haven't
a very clear idea of what they expect they should pay for. We do
hope that if you need their help, they'll offer to assist you, but
if they do not, the Etiquette Grrls are sure you can have a lovely,
elegant wedding, whatever your budget may be. And yes, Dear Reader,
there's always Vegas.
With best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
My ex-roommate (who dropped out of school in the
middle of last year, though we remain friends) is getting married
on April 7. She's sending me an invitation, but I won't be able
to make it up to Washington for the event. I do, however, want to
send her a gift to show that I wish her well. There are a few problems:
1) I can't stand her husband-to-be. I don't know
where to begin, but basically he's one of those kids who uses his
trust fund for evil instead of good. (Rockets for the side of your
car? What are you, twelve???) I'm polite to him, but honestly, she
could do better.
2) The second problem is that the reason for their
marriage is Surprise! she's pregnant. I'm not a big fan of premarital
pregnancy and hasty marriages in case of a "surprise,"
but it's happened and it's a little too late for moral objections.
3) Finally, taking into consideration that they're
"in a family way," and they don't have any reliable means
of supporting themselves aside from his fast-diminishing trust fund,
I want to get them something useful. A book of love poetry might
be nice and romantic to couples with a little more foresight, and
a blender might be boring but useful, but what is the best, non-insulting
thing to get a couple in this situation?
Now, I know that the EGs would agree with me that
the whole affair drips with bad taste, but what's done is done,
and another person's bad taste is no excuse for poor etiquette on
my part.
Sincerely,
In Need of Advice
Dear In Need of Advice,
My, my, my. Dear Reader, you have Sent the EGs
into Shock with your mention of a Boy avec Rockets on the Side of
His Car. The EGs have never heard of such Ridiculous Antics! We
wish to remind everyone that, no, sorry, you are not a Superhero,
and you should therefore not have any Wacky Superhero Accoutrements
on Your Car, in Your Home, or upon Your Person. Oh, Dear Reader,
we think the world is Going to Hell in a Handbasket! But we digress.
Dear Reader, this affair is not merely Dripping
with Bad Taste, it's a Veritable Tsunami Wave of it. Yet you are
Correct, of course, that you are still obligated to Behave Properly.
If you would like to get a gift for them, feel free to get something
Practical. (We wouldn't, however, be Ultra-Practical and get them,
say, A Baby Stroller, which would be un peu Insulting.) Something
for Their New Home would be in Excellent Taste. A Blender would
be Perfectly Fine (as a Matter of Fact, there are some absolutely
Darling Retro-Style Blenders that the EGs would simply Adore...
check at Williams-Sonoma or Crate and Barrel). Other ideas would
be a Nice Set of Mixing Bowls, or Mugs, or Glasses.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I'm 34 and getting married for the first time.
My fiancé is 37 and this is also his first marriage. We've
accumulated LOTS of stuff over the years. We don't need a bunch
of towels, dishes, etc. We need cash or gift certificates. What's
the best way to let gift-giving well wishers know in advance, tactfully?
The Intended
Dear The Intended,
Gee, are the EGs experiencing Déjà
Vu? Anybody else heard this question here before?
For those new to EGs.com, we'll Repeat Ourselves.
Dear Reader, there's No Way In Hell to do what you propose in Any
Tactful Manner. Yes, you heard the EGs correctly: NO WAY IN HELL.
And that, Dear Reader, is That.
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
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