See Us in Hell

Although, clearly, it is not a good idea to Trifle With the Etiquette Grrls, foolhardy persons, things, and even entities persist in doing so. The Etiquette Grrls remind the following Grievous Offenders that we will, in fact, See Them In Hell:

Amtrak. Why, exactly, does FRANCE have better trains than we do? And why did Amtrak think hiring Mike Dukakis as a Spokesman would be a Good Thing??

Harvard. To date, the EGs have only met THREE Harvard graduates whose egos could fit in the same room with them and who could hold a decent conversation. And the EGs have met a heck of a lot of Harvard alumni...

Goat Cheese, especially the runny kind which looks WAY too much like mucus. In fact, anything that resembles mucus can see the Etiquette Grrls in hell.

Yale. Hmmm. Would a GOOD college let in the likes of Kellie Martin, Claire Danes, and Jennifer Beals? Plus, it's in New Haven, where people get shot.

Anyone touted as "the next Grace Kelly." There IS no next Grace Kelly; nor is there "this season's Audrey Hepburn" or "the nouvelle Kate Hepburn." The EGs are particularly offended whenever Gwyneth Paltrow is the woman being compared.

Wharton. Perhaps the lowest circle of Hell, in a Dantean sense.

Pseudo-martinis. Unless it contains gin, vermouth, and a Big Damn Olive, and ONLY gin, vermouth, and a Big Damn Olive, it is NOT a martini.

"Athletic Scholarships." The last time the EGs checked, getting an 800 on your SAT does not a scholar make. If you earn a Real Scholarship for Being a Scholar, and then Play Sports, more power to you, but please, let's not get Intelligence and Athletic Ability mixed up here.

People who tell the EGs to "Smile!" The EGs are, by nature, rather morose and contemplative, as befits all creative, intellectual types. The EGs are not about to begin running around grinning maniacally just because some Gas Station Attendant suggested to.

The idiot who drives a red Ferrari through the peaceful streets of Fairfield, Connecticut, nearly running down Small Children, the Elderly, and Cute Lined-Up Ducks.

Sandals in the winter, and/or sandals worn with socks.

Cubicles instead of Real Offices. The EGs should NOT have to hear every conversation going on within 20 feet of their desks, smell Other People's Smelly Food, etc. The EGs want, nay, deserve a private office with a door.

Tank tops.

Cargo Pants which actually contain Cargo, as seen recently in the Miami Airport.

Bottled water treated as a fashion accessory.

Professional Wrestling, in any way, shape, or form.

Any polo shirt with an embroidered logo other than the wee Lacoste beastie (GRRR!), the Lilly palm tree, or perhaps the Ralph Lauren polo player (although the EGs think the latter is pushing it).

Ostentatious tombstones. If you're important enough to merit a statue, someone else should erect it for you, and preferably NOT over Your Grave.

IKEA. The EGs aren't fond of Swedish Modern, especially Swedish Modern you have to go to Elizabeth, New Jersey to buy, then put together yourself.

Martha Stewart (who used to be, coincidentally, sort of a neighbor of one of the EGs. Trust us, Martha, you ought to be grateful EGL moved, as Westport isn't big enough for both of us...).

Those stickers that go on one's windshield that reiterate what car one is driving. Should you be proud to be driving a Datsun? No.

Ricky Martin/ Enrique Iglesias/ Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony/ the Mambo Number Five guy, etc. Singing in Spanish doesn't change the fact that this is run-of-the-mill Top 40 crap. (If the EGs released a Pop Album in French, would that make it Good? Hardly!)

Bill Gates. See entry for "Harvard," above. Nevermind that he didn't graduate.

Marshmallows, especially the minuscule ones in hot chocolate mix. If the EGs wanted small bites of pumice floating around in their beverages, they would collect some the next time they find themselves in the Ring of Fire.

The expression, "It don't matter."

When saltines are allowed to run around in foods where they obviously don't belong, i.e., omelets, cakes, puddings, macaroni and cheese, atop any sort of vegetable side dish, etc. Saltines are meant to be topped by Good Cheese, and that's it.

When the EGs and Friends fancy a Good, Old-Fashioned Snowball Fight, but the snow is of a fine, fluffy, powdery consistency, and completely useless as ammo.

SUVs. If you fancy driving a Jeep, join the Army, where they are plentiful.

American Idol. Does the world need another Annoying Pop Star? Hardly.

Graduates of Certain Ivy League Schools who do not realize that there is a Long-Standing Tradition of Mocking les autres Ivies when one is a Graduate of, say, Princeton.

Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, et al., for convincing Little Girls that it is Perfectly Acceptable to Run About Looking Like a Wee Streetwalker. (And who are Utterly Devoid of Any Sort of Musical Talent, to boot.)

Upstairs Neighbors who Stomp. And/or hold Karaoke Parties.

Newark International Airport. As if JFK and LaGuardia aren't hellish enough.

The fact that all of the Street Signs in Boston are, apparently, AWOL.

Downloadable cell 'phone ringer sounds. Why, there weren't enough Annoying Tinny Noises pre-programmed into the device, so you need to get more?

Scary Long Nails. Especially avec "Nail Art."

If you find yourself listed above, the Etiquette Grrls suggest that you make haste to make reparations. Notes of apology may be e-mailed to the Etiquette Grrls at grrls@etiquettegrrls.com.